- dating the first year

dating the first year




Topics and discussions related to being single and or dating while in recovery

dating the first year

Postby tess » Sun Sep 25, 2005 10:09 am

Hello,

I am in my 5th month of sobriety and just recently joined this site. I would appreciate any words of wisdom in regards to dating. I have been casually "dating" another member for about a month - I am freaked... Although I like him and would like to continue a friendship, I think it is too soon, too fast.... and I am unsure of what to do - what to say to him (I do not want to feel uncomfortable at meetings, etc...). Although I am a grown woman, have dated many times before, I feel like I am dating for the first time - actually, it really is the first time I have been completely sober. Any thoughts regarding early sobriety, dating, and how to handle a uncomfortable situation, would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
tess
 
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Location: virginia

Postby Dallas » Sun Sep 25, 2005 12:50 pm

Hey Tess, welcome to the Forums! Glad you are here!

Great question! Thank you for asking the question.

I’m sure your question will spark a lot of answers that may or may not make sense to you. Some people have some hard and fast rules about it, and some don’t. When I was new to AA, the last thing I wanted to hear about were rules and guidelines.

When I heard of a rule or guideline, or someone say “you have to do thisâ€
Dallas
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Dating

Postby JR » Sun Sep 25, 2005 3:07 pm

Tess,

A common suggestion is no relationships in the first year, but few are able to do that. I agree with Dallas, use your sponsor.

I have never known of a single healthy relationship that was formed during the first year of sobriety. Now is the time for YOU. Focus all your energy on learning to use the tools described in the AA literature.

When we women get to AA, we are usually not very good at selecting the right man for us (our picker is broken). You are going to be amazed at the changes that will occur in you as you stay sober and do the steps and continue practicing everything you will learn.

Many of the women have relationship history that needs to be looked at with a sponsor in order not to make the same mistakes we have always made in selecting a partner.

I promise you that you will sell yourself short if you get involved now. If you practice the principles of the AA program, you will become a woman of grace and substance. There are many promises in the BB and 12X12 and not just the ones listed after step 9. There are promises sprinkled throughout all the literature of the happy, joyous and free experience we have embarked upon.

The type of man that is attracted to a newcomer is a whole different variety than the man who is attracted to the woman fully established in recovery.

I know it is scary, but get with the women.

Easy Does It,

JR
JR
 
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Thank you very much

Postby tess » Sun Sep 25, 2005 5:20 pm

Thank you very much, Dallas and JR. You words are solid and wise - ones that my "gut" tells me to follow... I went to a meeting today - the topic was "First Things First" (how absolutely amazing), called my sponsor and spoke to another member regarding the situation and my feelings... I am so not ready for a relationship and need to keep my sobriety my number one focus... I am relieved, very grateful, and appreciative of your thoughts. I will be talking with my "friend" directly about my feelings and my plan to cool it for at least a year.

With much gratitude,
"Tess"
tess
 
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Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2005 1:17 am
Location: virginia

Postby LisaG » Fri Oct 14, 2005 11:34 pm

its none of any bodys business about dating. it doesn't say you have to have a desire to stop dating to join aa.
LisaG
 
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Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 10:58 pm

Dating

Postby ap » Sun Mar 21, 2010 1:06 am

I am an alcoholic that could not manage his own life, including dating.

No human power could relieve my alcoholism, which is everything about me and GOD could and would if he were sought.

Trust God, clean house and help others.

MY experience is that when I do those things...GOD has done his work in the world and that has included realtionships and dating :D
ap
 
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Re: Dating

Postby ap » Sun Mar 21, 2010 1:09 am

JR wrote:Tess,

A common suggestion is no relationships in the first year, but few are able to do that. I agree with Dallas, use your sponsor.

I have never known of a single healthy relationship that was formed during the first year of sobriety. Now is the time for YOU. Focus all your energy on learning to use the tools described in the AA literature.

When we women get to AA, we are usually not very good at selecting the right man for us (our picker is broken). You are going to be amazed at the changes that will occur in you as you stay sober and do the steps and continue practicing everything you will learn.

Many of the women have relationship history that needs to be looked at with a sponsor in order not to make the same mistakes we have always made in selecting a partner.

I promise you that you will sell yourself short if you get involved now. If you practice the principles of the AA program, you will become a woman of grace and substance. There are many promises in the BB and 12X12 and not just the ones listed after step 9. There are promises sprinkled throughout all the literature of the happy, joyous and free experience we have embarked upon.

The type of man that is attracted to a newcomer is a whole different variety than the man who is attracted to the woman fully established in recovery.

I know it is scary, but get with the women.

Easy Does It,

JR
ap
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:44 am

Re: Dating

Postby ap » Sun Mar 21, 2010 1:12 am

JR wrote:Tess,

A common suggestion is no relationships in the first year, but few are able to do that. I agree with Dallas, use your sponsor.

I have never known of a single healthy relationship that was formed during the first year of sobriety. Now is the time for YOU. Focus all your energy on learning to use the tools described in the AA literature.

When we women get to AA, we are usually not very good at selecting the right man for us (our picker is broken). You are going to be amazed at the changes that will occur in you as you stay sober and do the steps and continue practicing everything you will learn.

Many of the women have relationship history that needs to be looked at with a sponsor in order not to make the same mistakes we have always made in selecting a partner.

I promise you that you will sell yourself short if you get involved now. If you practice the principles of the AA program, you will become a woman of grace and substance. There are many promises in the BB and 12X12 and not just the ones listed after step 9. There are promises sprinkled throughout all the literature of the happy, joyous and free experience we have embarked upon.

The type of man that is attracted to a newcomer is a whole different variety than the man who is attracted to the woman fully established in recovery.

I know it is scary, but get with the women.

Easy Does It,

JR
How bout if the man and woman can and do fully RECOVER? That is the promise of the basic text...aren't we playing GOD if we give our opinions.
ap
 
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Joined: Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:44 am

Postby Dallas » Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:27 am

Sorry that I can't answer that question. If I answered the question -- I'd be giving my opinion. :wink:
Dallas
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Thanks again.

Postby ap » Sun Mar 21, 2010 1:58 pm

Dallas wrote:Sorry that I can't answer that question. If I answered the question -- I'd be giving my opinion. :wink:



Exactly. If we are going to believe the BIG BOOK, we need to believe every word of it.
ap
 
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