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[garden variety]

I'm sorry for taking so long to get this posted. It took a little longer because I needed to sit back and re-read it and edit it. I hope it's simple and clear enough because spiritual things are sometimes a lot deeper than I think. When I go to put them into words, things can get tangled up, because its not always easy to explain.

The Third Movement of Unloading the Unconscious is probably the most dynamic and emotionally-charged phases of centering prayer. Dallas used a term that describes the Third Movement: he talked about “Transformational Therapy”. What is “Transformational Therapy”?

This is one that I can keep pretty simple! Three words: Restructuring of Consciousness. What a concept! The Third Movement of Unloading the Unconscious is the driving force behind Restructuring of Consciousness. In Big Book terms, the Third Movement brings about “a profound alteration in [my] reaction to life.” The Third Movement of centering prayer will (over time) bring about changes in the state of consciousness that I’ve never had before.

The Third Movement comes about because I consent. As a result of consenting, I move my will to consent or conform to God’s will. Part of the process that takes place in this Movement is a form of “Divine Psychotherapy” that allows me to “empty out” the unconscious. When this happens, a “new freedom” will begin to take hold.

The “obstacles” that once blocked the “sunlight of the Spirit” begin to move away. Although the UNLODING and EVACUATION Movements of centering prayer will lead back to the REST Movement, the byproduct will result in “closer conscious contact” with God. When “interior obstacles” are removed, Grace is allowed to freely flow in my mind, emotions, and body. Wow – what a concept “closer conscious contact” is unfolding into!

Unloading the Unconscious is similar to the Forth and Fifth Step in some ways. The major difference is that the Movement is directed by a “Divine Therapist”, and it involves UNLOADING emotional pain inflicted by another human that has sunken to an unconscious level. I don’t realize it’s there. But it is there because there is evidence of it in my daily life.

When I cry about something emotionally painful that happens today “in the now”, where do the tears come from? The tears don’t come from a recent source of grief that I can identify. Today’s trauma hasn’t had time to be “processed” in my mind, much less reach deep into my heart and soul – my tears cannot possibly be the result of today’s trauma.

My tears come from the amazing process of association which my mind engages in unconsciously. The “Spirit of Truth” lies in the center of my heart and soul, and the emotional hurt of today moves the spirit within me to compassion. But there are layers of old emotional debris or “junk” on top of that center that have gathered over my lifetime. Movement at the center dislodges a chunk of that emotional debris. It floats upward to the level of consciousness and evacuates through my tears.

Another difference between Unloading and the Fourth Step is that the unloading process does not focus on a single event. The process is (literally) directed by a Higher Power, and I don’t know the order it will follow. I consented to let God as I understand Him direct my will, so the Third Movement of Unloading the Unconscious is under the complete control of my Higher Power. Wow – that’s a pretty scary thought for alcoholics that have a tendency to want to be control!

I’m not really looking for “my role” in any event. But if I had a role, the Divine Therapist will help gently bring that truth to light – I will learn the truth whatever that may be. God can also use this Movement to address any difficulty that is blocking spiritual growth – past or present. The process of centering prayer through its Movements essentially opens up the unconscious to God. Consent allows Him to integrate all aspects of my mind so that “psychic healing” can happen which improves conscious contact with God. Centering prayer Movements are closely aligned with Step Eleven.

At a “therapeutic level”, a miraculous phenomenon starts to happen within me as the unconscious begins to unload. My mind, just like my body, has incredible natural resourcefulness to “get well” simply from exposure to the truth. In seeking “the truth”, however, there might be layers of irrational attitudes, false ideas, or false beliefs that I need to face and confront.

Unloading these “emotional hassles” can be intense, and it also forces me to face other “interior obstacles” that I may have once seen as the “best” of my own personal virtues. But the “Divine Therapist” will gently allow me to see the “darker side” of my personality, so that I can consciously face a certain “truth”.

In the A.A. program of recovery, I learn there is a “loving God” who expresses Himself through our groups and through each member. I also learn that this Higher Power is a Power greater than us. Let’s look at this for a moment.

When I think about a “loving God” who is a “Power greater than ourselves”, a certain set of “Divine assumptions” take root in my consciousness as a natural course of 12-Step work. “My understanding” of “God” gets more meaningful the more often I seek through prayer and meditation”. One of the most “uncomfortable” realities I have to face is the attribute of Love manifested in the Divine. God is far more loving than me – I can accept that. But in accepting that fact alone, I begin to realize that even my best personal motives or “virtues” are driven by some kind of innate selfishness that is even “more pronounced” in the alcoholic. It says this in the Big Book.

Something even more profound, and backwards, consciously begins to happen to me. “Divine Love”, naturally present in a “loving God”, seems to leap out and “accuse me” of being insidiously selfish even at my best behavior when I think my “personal virtues” are pure. This “accusatory” process makes even the most pious folks squirm in their britches. How can it do anything to an alcoholic BUT unravel him or her making them want to RUN and HIDE. This is a major reason why so many alcoholics almost automatically reject the concept of a personal relationship with a Higher Power.

But the “process” of seeking and finding a Higher Power inevitably leads me to the “lonely place” of facing my own spiritual poverty. This is, once again, a byproduct of seeking and finding God. The God “entity” doesn’t “point the finger” at me and say “you selfish, no good, so-and-so”. Accusation is an inevitable and natural part of a “structural change in consciousness.” But it is uncomfortable to say the least.

If you’ve ever seen a hawk or eagle fly, you see the grace and ease at which they perform this miraculous feat. They don’t have to think about it – they just fly! And it is beautiful. Another thing can happen while I watch the eagle fly. I might realize how inadequate I am when it comes to flying – and that I’ll never be able to fly with the grace and beauty of the eagle. Is it the eagle’s fault that I can’t compete with her when it comes to flight? Does the eagle look down upon me and cast judgment because I can’t fly? That might be an extreme example, but it shows, in the face of beauty I might want to possess for myself, that I starkly see where I fall short.

In other words, it isn’t “God’s fault” that His Love reaches a degree that no human power can equal. It isn’t “God’s fault” that He cannot “behold evil”. It’s just the nature of Divinity. So part of the “transformational therapy” I accept is, in the face of Divine Love, my human ability to love is dwarfed, and I see the truth about myself. I see that I am selfish, “and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, although he usually doesn’t think so.” When I clear the “interior obstacle” of comparing my own spiritual poverty to Divine spiritual “richness”, I learn to “accept the things I cannot change” about my nature. These are things everyone having a “God of their understanding” must come to terms with to make spiritual progress.

In accepting my spiritual poverty, I don’t downplay the incredible hope this realization brings. Remember, in centering prayer, I’ve “consented”, or moved my will aside to allow God to have His way at Directing my spiritual journey. When I “unload self”, there immediately becomes an empty space that will get quickly filled. In the world of Spirit, it is said there is no empty space. The great hope in this process is that God will fill me with His Spirit, or the Spirit of the Universe. Everything that is in God’s Divine Nature will become a part of my own “transformed” human nature. When I consent, I will not only know Divine Love, Divine Love will become attached to my “restructured consciousness” – my state of being will structurally change. I will truly learn to fly like the eagle.

The Unloading Movement seeks to bring me to the Truth which God knows about me, but of which I’m still unaware. As I mentioned before, in the light of an all-loving God, my best motives can’t be sheared away from self-centeredness. Unloading helps me to become aware of my unconscious, subconscious, and hidden motives. It reveals to me, in a dynamic way, some of the “psychic wounds” that have troubled me over a lifetime, and the less-than-effective “coping mechanisms” that I try to use to bring about reconsiliation.

A great benefit of this painful “purification” process integrates and “transforms” raw emotional pain into experience, strength, and hope to benefit others. Let’s take a closer look at this “core” of transformation. What exactly is being transformed? In the broad sense, my “consciousness” is being “reconstructed” which means having a spiritual awakening which brings about the “profound alteration” in my reaction to life that’s spoken about in Appendix II of the Big Book. But another more miraculous transformation brings about “profound changes” in me.

The turmoil of traumatic and painful emotions that were hidden below my consciousness are transmuted into virtues that allow me to become fit to be of maximum service to God and the people about me which the Big Book says is my real purpose in life. This is nothing short of a supernatural transformation of memories, feelings, and attitudes that kept me chained to the “bondage of self”. I begin to experience true freedom because “interior obstacles” that “shaded” and “jaded” almost all of my decisions have now begun to surface and heal. I begin to realize I now have choices in my reactions to life.

Reaching this point is challenging and painful. A true knowledge of self comes only when “junk”, “garbage”, or “wreckage” is dislodged and moved out to the “curb” so to speak. In this way, Emotional Unloading is similar to the 4th and 5th Steps. There will be centering prayer “sessions” where any kind of “focus” seems impossible because I’m being bombarded by extremely distracting and emotionally-charged thoughts. Unloading can feel like I’m “going backwards” giving me a sense of inadequacy when it comes to “meditation” or just “sitting still” at all. But giving up during this short-lived discomfort, which I’m tempted to do, will also mean giving up on experiencing the miraculous hope that lies just ahead.

As with “passing thoughts” of traffic jams or hurried work schedules crowding into my meditation time, the distractions of Unloading the Unconscious are handled the same way. I just wait for the distraction, or “emotional turmoil” to “play itself out” at the conscious level. Because I’m in centering prayer, I grab the faith I’ve been cultivating in my Higher Power. Sometimes I have to consciously remind myself that He is the Divine Therapist.

The Second Step gives me the confidence that although Unloading can be painful, it won’t be the same as “reliving” the trauma – I am being restored to sanity. I’m in a conscious meditative state, and responses that might have come from the “beast of instinct” within me will eventually be tempered into awareness and conscious choice – attributes of a “sound” and “sane” mind. There is a tendency to want to “cut and run” when I face a painful or ugly emotional experience, but my time is spent no better than by “waiting it out.”

I’ll know I’ve entered the Third Movement of Unloading the Unconscious when I notice that a particular distracting thought or feeling won’t “pass” – it sort of gets stuck. As an example, I might simply start crying for no specific reason at all. The queer thing about Unloading is that “bits and pieces” seem to surface without connection to an original event. So it makes no sense for me to try and focus on specific experiences. Certain events may have bubbled to conscious awareness at an earlier time, but some related phase of tears or grieving may not have been completed. So it also is not a good idea to frantically jump back to the Sacred Word to stabilize my mind while Unloading is going on. What I’ve been told to do is to actually “sink into” the feeling or thought that is being unloaded and to use it as the “Sacred Word” – consenting to the “feeling” within the emotional turmoil.

The process of centering prayer is essentially a method of “letting go” or “turning things over”. If a distracting thought has no traumatic origin, then “letting go” would mean not attending to the thought. But if the thought, feeling, or distraction is attached to a chunk of emotional garbage that needs to be unloaded, then “letting go” means allowing it to come to a level of awareness so that it can be consciously let go of. My consciousness embraces the emotionally-charged thought or feeling that was unconscious. By “grasping” or “sinking into” the thought and “waiting it out” by feeling it in its intensity, I can better know and understand what I’m letting go of.

The underlying concept of centering prayer can and should always be in the foreground – within my direct line of vision. I have a need to constantly remember that I’m consciously consenting to God as I understand Him and to His will. The Unloading Movement takes me directly to the doorstep of “knowledge of His will for us” – the exact thing I am praying for in Step Eleven. If I’ve worked the Steps to the best of my ability, I now “intuitively” have the faith to realize that I am “allowed” to be powerless (which is how I will feel in this Movement) in the presence of a loving God and all thoughts will pass if I wait long enough. Although I may have to patiently wait while feeling emotional pain and discomfort, the Third Movement will also provide me with the other thing I pray for in Step Eleven, “the Power to carry that out”.

The Third Movement of Unloading the Unconscious takes courage. What I am consenting to consciously face are incredibly self-destructive, emotionally-charged, “bigger-than-life” instinctive behaviors that have been a constant source of emotional conflict over the course of my lifetime. There will be times when I will end up in a depressed mood for several hours or a few days. I may feel tormented, persecuted, and downright insane at times.

This is because of the extremely forceful nature of unconscious emotional trauma. That’s how it got to the unconscious level and why it influences nearly every major decision I make during my waking hours. Unresolved emotional trauma even reaches into my unconscious hours through nightmares. The circumstances that brought about these emotionally-charged thoughts and feelings came at times in my life when I didn’t have a sensible “set of working tools” to cope with the trauma. I was vulnerable and without a defense. I was “powerless” to face my “interior demons”, and getting drunk was understandable due to the degree of pain I might have to face.

The Third Movement of Centering Prayer is designed to bring about a change in the way I perceive and react to reality. Unloading the Unconscious is “transformational therapy” that is a major part in the structural change of consciousness. There are two spiritual values that will help me continue following this challenging, but rewarding, spiritual path. I need courage to face my “interior demons”. I also need trust in this “unseen” Power I call “God”.

Of all the meaningful things I do in life, making preparations is one of the most important. In this Third Movement, it would greatly benefit me to be prepared to accept the fact that I’ll be (figuratively) walking into a thunderstorm and will end up getting soaked.

Also, the capacity to accept whatever comes into the “stream of consciousness” is a necessary part of the “discipline” I’m now learning and living as my sponsor helps me work through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The less kicking and screaming I do, the sooner this work of “transformational therapy” can bring about interior peace, emotional rest, and the much-needed profound alterations in my reactions to life.

The Third Movement of Unloading the Unconscious leads into the Forth Movement of Evacuation pretty naturally. But there are times when it’s also led me back to the Second Movement of Rest. However centering prayer and meditation moves you, going back to any Movement “out of sequence” is not something to worry about – or to think you’re doing something wrong. If my will and life is under the care and direction of a Higher Power, I have nothing to worry about today.

[Dallas]

Thank you, Paul.

I'm sure that writing this tooK a whole bunch of effort and energy! I really appreciate your contribution, and all the work that it took you to share this with us.