From the 12 and 12

[918gma]

I was at a meeting the other night and we were reading from the 12 and 12 on step eight.
The paragraph starting on the bottom of page 79 and finishing on the top of page 80 jumped out and hit me very hard.
It talks about the damage we have done others and ourselves. It actually tells us that many of the experiences we have had can lie deep down in the subconcious and have a negative effect on our emotions altering our lives for the worse.
For me personally, this was a tremendous insight. I have been through and seen many things that were terrible tragedies. My reactin to them, and holding onto them over the years even into sobriety has definately tainted my thought process. I often wondered when and where this kind of thing would come out, but to me it didn't seem that the steps addressed it. It wasn't until I read that section again that I realized that like evey other aspect of the life this too is covered in the steps. There is a place to deal with it and a place to put it when I am through dealing with it.
Yes it means back through the steps yet again.
Funny though, the fist time I went through the steps, I was defiant. The second time reluctant, and so on. Today I can't wait to get rid of this new thing that has surfaced. Yes it's a big aspect of my life and who I am. But today I know that holding on is the wrong choice and the program has taught me where wrong choices will take me. I don;'t want to go there today. It's easier and softer to just deal with it along with the help of a sponsor and a Hp, so I can move on with my life.
So more is relvealed as we go through recovery. It is revealed to us when we are ready to see it. For this I am grateful.

[musicmode]

"Progression...not perfection".

There have been many times where, something that I know I've read and have read at meetings--done many times...then...out of the blue... ! The words will strike something "new", giving them an entirely different meaning...for me. That is why, when I hear of people who honestly believe that they have done the steps, only once...believing that if you "do them right the first time, you never have to do them again," concerns me--I am concerned about that person. Maybe that's the way it is for them, but my own personal experience with the steps has shown me that if I would have done them only once, I would have sold myself short on what was yet to come. Recovery is a journey. Once I did my steps a couple of times was I only then able to embrace the program. Today, situations occur that indeed stun me, yet..."somehow" ### as I understand ####, I go through the situation remaining calm...I believe that it is the program, in turn...working for me...showing me the meaning of "it works if you work it".

If I have honestly and truthfully, without reservation, handed my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him, He will step in and the ugliest moments become manageable--yet, I have put no conscious thought into it. What I've learned, and this is a biggie for me...when I keep my mouth shut, and don't get wrapped up in any entanglement, even when the other party would really like me to...things go well. One can't argue with someone who just looks at you, waiting patiently for the words to finish--and when the other person is standing there, waiting, eagerly for you to say something...they begin to look so baffled, and they back away when I say nothing. We can hang up on an annoying telephone salesperson, shut the door on a door-to-door salesperson--we can, in effect, "hang-up" on the person before us. I even find humor today, in how confused the other person will look . One of the things I was taught in show business was, (and a good example is a heckler), when they do all the talking, and you don't feed them any word what-so-ever, and, in fact, leave the "spot-light" dangle on them, they retreat. The same works everywhere...I just had to be sober for a few years, and do the steps a few times, to finally figure that out . It bugs the heck out of the other person . My point is...### think???####...I used to be one to get into it with the other person, get all ruffled and bent out of shape. If you wanted to play push&shove, you picked the wrong person, because I'd play back--only...I'd be hurt #######, angry...then resentful...and hang-on to it...forever. Be angry about a tragedy, angry at the people around how could've should've been different, because then the tragedy wouldn't have happened. Replay and replay moments in time that are ALLLL past&history, except for in my mind. Over time, I am discovering that these principles...this solution that we have, does indeed, work in all aspects of life, in all situations. "To practice these principles in all our affairs"...takes, well...practice..and awareness. The ability to recognize that things that happen are just things that happen, they are not a personal attack...and yes...sometimes, other people are quite wrong...when they are wrong, and we know it, rather than reacting defensively (which is more customary for me to do), there is Something, higher than me (Higher Power), Who now makes it so that I--remain calm. When the dust settles, and it's worked out rationally, I'm not hurt...and the other person realizes and, sometimes, actually admits their wrong--which is ultimately what we try to achieve by "fighting back". In this program, the desired results are, in fact, achieved. The key...is not to retaliate...move away from the point of the flare up, talk it over with someone who is mutual (TALK), and move on.

No other person is worth my sobriety. No situation is worth my sobriety. I can't stop situations and people, but I can change...my thought patterns, by prayer, practicing the principles and working the steps, and talking to people who understand&know what it's like. The thought pattern I needed to change was the "by myself" pattern. "I can do this by myself; work this out myself; figure it out for myself...". That's the thinking that leads to drinking. Trust the BB, trust the program&the principles, trust...God as I understand Him...be honest with myself about how I do, indeed, feel, and the rest seems to fall into place.

There's a line I heard, and it is one that I have been focussing on, and that is: know your limits and stay within them. Recognize when something is over my head, and admit when something is more than I can handle (pride). There isn't one thing wrong with asking for help.

Easy Does It.
Anne M.

[918gma]

I agree with you completely. The things I am looking at now are things that wern't really even about me, they are things I just absorbed by being selfish and self centered. In the days that these things happened it was all about me then, and I used those events to create a person that really wasn't me, more for a protective wrapping to keep others out. I was really good at that.

[chuckc]

Great stuff...

Every time I read a chapter in the BB or the 12&12 it affects me differently. I think the subtleties of spiritual growth have "changed my eyesight," and a new understanding and appreciation unfolds.

One really cool thing that I realized over time is that, along with those buried dark events, there were just as many messages of God's grace that I missed along the way. Those still pop up from every now and then, and I'm much more aware of that grace today. Those subtle messages of love, hope, life...events long forgotten...you name it. So, both my eyesight and my hearing have changed working the steps!!

[918gma]

It is obvious to me today that my higher power never once left my side, I just didn't see him there. Today it's easier to see when I stay open minded and willing

[musicmode]

Good evening to all.

I hear ya, Chuck. I was so focused and absorbed in all of the darkness, and the ugliness. I discovered that by doing the steps, as I went along to get rid of the mud and the sludge, low and behold, there were tiny glimpses of "diamonds" in the rubble. I grew up believing "nobody liked me, everybody hates me"...the negative doom and gloom was all that I could see. As I got rid of this stuff, what an amazement to see that...wow, there was this person who didn't seem to see that fat ugly monster everyone else saw, this person said I wasn't that bad, and that I would get taller. The name calling drowned that out, and eventually, the alcohol drowned it out. There were good spots, and good people, and every now and then...those people will pop up in my life, and are as glad to see me as I am to see them, and no phoney show about it. It is remarkable what I we see when we take off those rose-colored glasses and, in essence, give our heads a shake.

Good topic.

Here's to another 24 to all,
Peace&Serenity,
Anne M.

[918gma]

Yea, I lived in negativity for a long time myself. So naturally I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I was one of those alcoholics that after doing the steps, found myself to be an empty page. It took a while to realize that the page could be written on again. The choice of what to put on it became mine. It's hard some times to not revert back to that thinking. I have to follow the steps every day to stay where I am today. It's worth the effort.

[musicmode]

Ya...ya. Like: Who am I? What AM I all about, anyway? If there was something about me that someone didn't like...vip--that wouldn't be there anymore, whether it be a piece of clothing, a pair of shoes, or a comment on how I would word a phrase, or make a mistake on word usage. I erased, essentially...me...and 'allowed' others' to create me. My opinion didn't matter...I became invisible. I got to that point in sobriety where, I too, was looking at that blank page, and going: ...o-kaa-aay?? So, what AM I all about? What do I hold close to my heart? What words do I like to use/or what words just come out naturally? It became evident when the opportunity presented itself where...I was able to touch base with a family member of an old friend who had passed away. As we began to talk...there was SUCH a sense of relief, as though someone had punctured this balloon that had built up in my chest--I was speaking with someone who "spoke my language". I came away from that moment in time with more of an internal knowing rather than a conscious one...of what I am all about; what I believe in; and just even a flickering...of who I am really...according to me...not according to everyone else outside of me. Of course, and goes without saying...I believe in God as I understand Him. I trust that He has done MUCH in restoring me to sanity. We...I have to have the desire, the will, and the ambition. I have to take action, action that is not of my own will, but by the Power and Direction of God as I understand Him. I surrender to trusting Him, trusting in the power of the steps and the program...and the farther away I am from that last drink...more is revealed about...me. The real me. Have I reached a point of where I like me yet? Wellll...I'm still getting to know me. When I don't settle for anything lessm and am honest with myself, about how I feel about things...I feel...serene. I buy the clothes that I like. If someone today comments, hinting they don't like it...today I say tough...instead of never wearing it again. Be true to yourself.

Thanks for allowing me to share, and thanks for my sobriety.
Peace,
Anne

[918gma]

That was beutiful, thank you for sharing. The effort to recrate us is a big chaleange, but so worth the effort