- dwelling

dwelling




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

dwelling

Postby Position3DAT » Wed Nov 21, 2007 11:49 am

"Take care of yourself and don't dwell on things." Those were the last words she said to me after we broke up. Breaking up with me was the last thing she did just as I was starting to sober up.

I'm starting my 8th step and I don't think I'm going to be able to make amends to her. She left me for someone else at one of the most difficult times in my life and I don't know how I can forgive her for that. A part of me wants to forgive her but only because I still want to be with her. It's been almost two months. I worry that trying to make amends to her now would be too soon. I feel like it might put my sobriety in jeopardy... but I also feel like making amends to her at all might put my sobriety in jeopardy.

Here's a little background. In the past we've broken up, gotten back together, broken up, gotten back together, over and over again. The last time she said it was because we weren't compatible anymore. I attribute this to my drinking (not being able to sleep normal hours, mood swings, etc..).

I've been praying and meditating on it and my intuition tells me to wait until March (not sure why March but that's what it tells me!). Waiting until I have quit smoking, until I have my own apartment, my own furniture, my own life before pursuing any amends with her... but only to show her that she made a mistake. She didn't think that I could get or stay sober. I'm doing it. Because I'm not spending my entire paychecks on booze I'm gradually accumulating more money to save for the necessities for living. I'm trying to pull myself together. But while I'm doing it for myself (and it DOES feel good!) I'm doing it for her. Is this wrong?

I also wonder how much I should trust my intuition and conscience. My intuition and conscience IS ALSO my higher power. It was the best option at the time and so far it hasn't failed me yet. It's been literally guiding me like a higher power should, telling me the difference between right and wrong and what my next move should be and I totally believe that it's bigger and more powerful than I ever will be. However, the intuition part of it confuses me. It will tell me one thing, and the things I can see with my own eyes have always played out just like my mind tells me it will. But it's the things that I can't see that bother me. My higher power tells me that things aren't going to work out between her and her new boy... How am I to know that this is true? Do I just trust in blind faith, or do I try to be logical about it? And if it is true do I still wait until March to deal with her? Do I wait until I have put my life back together? And my higher power tells me we'll be together again. Should I really believe this?

I am just so stressed about this. It's the one thing that spins around my head over and over again. I wonder if just because my higher power is usually right, what if this particular subject is clouding it? I worry that my 52 days of sobriety could end simply because I'm thinking about this subject. I worry that it could end because I've been putting too much faith in my higher power and it could be wrong. I've been taught through out my whole life not to doubt my higher power... But I guess what's bugging me is if it's wrong then that would mean my higher power has failed me and that it wasn't real... which would lead me to drinking.

Before I go here's an example of my higher power working in my life. I was talking to a mutual friend of hers and mine last night and I told him that I had been dating but that I didn't think I loved this new one. He told me that it was okay, and that eventually I would find the right girl, it just took time. I responded with that I had already found the right girl. His response to that was this:

"Hey you never know, thing's usually work themselves out if they are meant to be."

It was one of those moments of clarity that came at just the right time from just the right person.

Anyways thanks in advance for all of your thoughts and suggestions. I'm really interested to see what everyone has to say. If more info is needed just let me know. I really need to get this all worked out in before I can move forward.

Justin
Position3DAT
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2007 4:54 am

Postby DebbieV » Wed Nov 21, 2007 12:58 pm

Justin Wrote:
I'm starting my 8th step and I don't think I'm going to be able to make amends to her


I was going to reply to your message, but I had to think about it some more, and I think Paul and Dallas said everything I could have said better.

We need edit buttons in life. That would be so great. :wink:

Debbie
Last edited by DebbieV on Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
DebbieV
 
Posts: 213
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2007 12:22 pm
Location: Silverton, Co

Postby garden variety » Wed Nov 21, 2007 1:16 pm

Hi Justin,

I'll chime in here with this wealth of ES&H (yeah right!)

Well my lady-friend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. We were exclusively involved for almost a year. It's a shame it ended because she is a sweetheart and I did, and still do love her.

Here's the thing, though. It is what it is. She didn't want to continue the relationship and it ended. There's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with her. The song says it this way "There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys. There's only you and me and we just disagree." That was the end of our relationship for me - even that's simple and I understand it. It's all I need to know to live a simple life today.

I pray each day for God to give her the very same things he gives me. There are no hard feelings. I truly in the bottom of my heart want what's best for her. I do wish it was me, but it's not me today.

But that relationship started 10 years after the last relationship ended with my wife. There was nothing in between for ten years. Except one thing - I worked through the 12 steps of AA.

I don't want to sound mean, but I'll tell you what I was told with two months of sobriety. They said if you don't have a sponsor, you're listening to the same dummy that got you here. If I were listening to my "intuition" with two months of sobriety and thinking that was my Higher Power - I would also be listening to the same dummy that got me here.

The book says it this way:

"Lack of power. That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that's exactly what this book is written about. It's main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."

I don't know about you, but I do know that it took a long time before my "intuition" was able to get repaired. Even today, I consult with my fellows in AA before I make any major decision. I always consult with my sponsor and follow his directions - I trust him more than I do myself and my "intuition" today.

About amends. I was taught that making amends has nothing to do with the way I feel. It is the right thing to do. Nowhere in the book does it say that making amends will put your sobriety at risk. I don't make amends to show the person I've wronged that they were mistaken about me. I approach them with a sincere and contrite heart, and I try to restore them to a place where they were before my "adventures" negatively interfered with their lives. It's not about me - it's about them. It's about correcting a wrong that I commited and someone who knew me or loved me faced a disproportionate share of suffering on account of my wrong.

Have you read the part in the book that says "Selfishness. Self-centeredness. That is the root of our problem! Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self pity we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate." If you haven't read it, go to the chapter "How it works". This is the part that explains the whole idea behind making amends.

About "realtionships", what worked for me and countless others is to first establish the most important relationship of my life with the One who loves me most. That is God. A God of my understanding. Any other relationship does not have a chance of working for the good if my relationship with Him is not right.

My realtionship with God is not right until I work through the first 11 steps of the recovery program. Then step 12 tells me "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps..." If I don't have a spiritual awakening, I don't have a complete relationship with a God of my understanding. If I don't have a working relationship with a Power greater than me, I have no other choice but to get drunk.

If your sponsor hasn't already told you to "stop thinking", you might be steering into harm's way if you do. If you have have worked step 3 to the best of your ability, then you have no need to be concerned about the outcome of anything that happens TODAY. I assume you worked step 3 because you said you are working step 8.

Here's the thing to keep in mind. KEEP IT SIMPLE!

All this talk about trusting yourself, your conscience, your intuition. Your head is spinning, you're stressed, you're worried. Will your "higher power" fail you - well if your Higher Power is not greater than you, DUH? Yes I'm slapping your chops a little Justin. Waiting to make amends with your ex until your life is back together? If I "had it all together" today, I'd probably forget where I put it! This is not meant to hurt your feelings or be offensive, but you're a ball of nerves spinning every which way - and if you let go you might fly off the planet altogether into God knows where?

Give it a break my friend, you don't have to fry any circuits. Keep it simple. Remember HOW. Honesty, Open mindedness and Willigness. To me that means taking a big break from listening to myself. I just hook up with a sponsor who is an active member of the fellowship who is living the steps in his life, then I play "Monkey see - monkey do". I don't do anything the sponsor doesn't do. I also don't do things he suggests to me that I not do, and I do things he suggests for me to do. Then I go and put one foot in front of the other (taking actions) and start focusing on the needs of others instead of me.

And if you must find something to worry about, keep it confined only to those hours and minutes and seconds that you are awake. That would be today, and today only! Leave last week go - leave next week for next week. Focus only on the things that need to be tended to today.

God bless and don't feel like your not loved! You've sure helped me today!
garden variety
 
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm
Location: Ohio

Postby Dallas » Wed Nov 21, 2007 1:51 pm

Hey Justin,

Thanks for checking in and lighting a fire in the forum fireplace! :wink:

Justin wrote:Here's a little background. In the past we've broken up, gotten back together, broken up, gotten back together, over and over again.


Been there and done that a few times myself! :lol:

Here's what I learned from it.

I looked at every relationship that I had ever had that was like the one you mentioned you had.... and the common denominator that I discovered in all of mine was: It was the wrong relationship with the wrong person.

I hear people talk about how "a relationship takes a lot of hard work."

If they do take a lot of hard work: I wouldn't want one.

I meet too many friends and strangers -- and it's not difficult at all to get along with them. it just seems to come natural. Smooth. Easy. Free-flowing. Sometimes, mutual intersts. Sometimes, not. But, there always seems to be a quality of easiness about it, and it seems to have integrity, respect, kindness, thoughtfulness and mutual consideration.

Well... I discovered for me... if I can meet friends and strangers and have that kind of non-relationship relationship with them -- and it doesn't take a lot of hard work -- why can't I meet a person, that I do want to have a relationship with, that comes as easy and natural as the relationships with friends?

I could have that. But, the first thing has to come first. Friends. Friendship. If I'm looking for a relationship -- I'm going to miss out a lot of opportunities to make new friends. And, if I do that, I'll end up with someone else who was looking for a relationship -- that was missing out on making new friends.

And, if I hook up with that one -- it's going to be a lot of hard work.

Why? Because neither one of us was looking for a friend. And, you've got to be a friend to have a friend. So, if you end up in a relationship with another relationship-seeker -- you probably missed out on having a relationship with a friend.

Think for a moment, "how often do I meet someone that I feel like they become my best friend?" For me... it's not very often. I could find a whole bunch of new relationships a lot easier and faster than I could find one potential best friend.

So, if I want a good, healthy relationship with someone that "I feel like I'm in a relationship with my best friend" -- the "best friend has to come before the relationship."

If I don't do it that way -- I end up sitting in the dirt, spinning wheels and bottoming out -- working hard to get the relationship out of the ditch.

Now on to "Higher Power"....

Why not take this time... to spend getting to know your Higher Power better? And, to be making conscious attempts to know more about your Higher Power? Your Higher Power -- is your #1 Best Friend. :lol: Why not spend this time working on that relationship for now?

Now about "March"... I agree with you and I'll bet that did come from your HP. Whatever you're doing in the seeking arena -- put it off until March. You'll be glad you did, because something big and something good is in store for you around the 13th of March. It would be too bad to see you hook up with good and see you miss out on best! :lol:

On Step 8 & 9 and making amends... there is a right time to make amends. It's not always the right time to rush out and do it. Some of them we do rush right out and do them.... (I do mine with a sponsors direction when we I them). ... other one's we do delay... (I do those with a sponsors direction, too). The reason I use a sponsors direction -- is when I follow my direction -- often -- I'll screw up and have to make amends over my attempt to make amends! :lol:

Good to hear from you Justin! Keep checking in!

Dallas
Dallas
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA

Postby garden variety » Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:56 pm

Dallas wrote:I could have that. But, the first thing has to come first. Friends. Friendship. If I'm looking for a relationship -- I'm going to miss out a lot of opportunities to make new friends. And, if I do that, I'll end up with someone else who was looking for a relationship -- that was missing out on making new friends.

And, if I hook up with that one -- it's going to be a lot of hard work.

Why? Because neither one of us was looking for a friend. And, you've got to be a friend to have a friend. So, if you end up in a relationship with another relationship-seeker -- you probably missed out on having a relationship with a friend.

Think for a moment, "how often do I meet someone that I feel like they become my best friend?" For me... it's not very often. I could find a whole bunch of new relationships a lot easier and faster than I could find one potential best friend.

So, if I want a good, healthy relationship with someone that "I feel like I'm in a relationship with my best friend" -- the "best friend has to come before the relationship."

If I don't do it that way -- I end up sitting in the dirt, spinning wheels and bottoming out -- working hard to get the relationship out of the ditch.


Dallas - you scoundrel - you rascal - you - you! :shock: :shock: :shock:

All this loose jive about not knowing what love is, or "growing up" enough to have a relationship. Oh, I must have left my boots somewhere but I see I need them now!

You silly man. :lol: :lol: :lol:

But seriously...hey buddy that really is a beautiful post. I mean it really is beautiful and from the heart, and it gives me a lot to think about and take home with me.

Thanks Dallas, you've helped me a lot today. :D
garden variety
 
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm
Location: Ohio

Postby Position3DAT » Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:54 pm

Oh heck! You guys gave me a lot of food for thought! I appreciate everyone's input. You're all heroes and for today I'm thankful for that. I've decided that for now I'm going to "let her go", wait until March before starting any romantic relationship seeking, and work on developing an even stronger relationship with my higher power. After reading everybody's replies the first thing that popped into my head was to "keep it simple." I realized I've been over complicating everything. So I'm going to work on that too for right now. In regards to listening to my sponsor, I do. He thinks it's neat that I have higher power that I can literally listen to. He still has me run everything by him first but he says anything my higher power tells me comes before anything he tells me.

Thank you Garden for your tough love. I actually have a lot of respect for people who give me a different perspective to see things from. You've helped me realize just how simple it should be for me to just halt, and leave this broken relationship alone for a while. The reason the amends are so hard for me to make are because her and I are both very delicate right now and I think any sort of communication with her would do more harm than good... I'll be able to do it sometime in the very near future so it will be ok. I'm glad this topic was able to help you out also. I thought it might help someone else! Awesome. 8) Also I know I said that my conscience and intuition WAS my higher power but it's... a little bit more complicated than that. I was actually trying to simplify it but I realized it came out all wrong... soooo, for now let's just say that's how my higher power communicates to me... through my conscience and intuition. Tells me the difference between right and wrong, and gives me insightful thoughts, clues, and inspiration as to what's going on out there and in here. I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and my HP's... There IS a difference... and NO, I'M NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC! MY HP's voice didn't show up until I gave in and prayed for it to. Anyways... The HP talk is sort of a personal deal for me and I've probably gone on about that for too long.

Dallas... All I can say is your encouragement and advice was much needed. I'm going to message you either tonight while I'm at work or sometime in the morning... I gotta go eat some turkey before I start my 16 hours of holiday pay! (8 today, 8 tomorrow)

Thanks again to everybody. I know that your words were a gift from HP and they hit me at the most perfect time. You all rock!

Happy Thanksgiving

Justin
Position3DAT
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2007 4:54 am


Return to Relationships in Recovery

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests









.








12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - dwelling



cron