What if???

Experiences along the way that bring us closer to our Higher Power
garden variety
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm
Location: Ohio

What if???

Postby garden variety » Tue Dec 04, 2007 8:00 am

I woke up this morning. I was as powerless over alcohol as I was the day of my last drink. I was as powerless this morning as a new man or woman on their first day.

I had a very sobering thought - just for a moment.

I thought of what the world would be like if there were no Alcoholics Anonymous today - no fellowship of men and women with the same malady - no meetings - no online recovery forum - no Bill Wilson or Robert Smith - no book with 164 pages - and no Power greater than ourselves.

What if?

I'd be drunk in an Arkansas minute.

Every "thing" I own today would either be destroyed or belong to someone else.

Every friend and loved one would disappear.

My pants would be damp around the crotch and my head would be pounding.

I would be the only thing in the world that mattered.

But after a short time, I would disappear too.

Then what was left of me would linger on and feel the lonliness, pain, and sorrow that only another alcoholic knows and understands.

Without this fellowship, the 12 Steps, the Big Book, and a God of my understanding, I would truly be doomed, today.

My name is Paul, and I'm an alcoholic.

Thank all of you for being here when I woke up this morning.
Thank you all for the gift of today without a drink.

Posts: 178
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:11 am
Location: alberta

What if?

Postby musicmode » Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:05 pm

My name is Anne, I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you, Paul, for your insight and strength that you continuously give away so that I have what you have. I am grateful, every day, and many-many times throughout the day..I thank God as I understand Him for my sobriety, for removing that incideous obsession, for AA and the fellowship, for the principles and the tools...for saving my life. I am grateful to be able to step outside and absorb His majesty, the Earth, just as it is today...every day, I am awestruck and breathless of the nature around me.

Watch out for those what if's, man...they're traps. You okay, dude?

In the Spirit of the fellowship,

garden variety
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm
Location: Ohio

Postby garden variety » Wed Dec 05, 2007 1:52 pm

Hi Anne,

Thanks for your caring concern. I really do appreciate it when someone cares enough to ask how I'm doing and really mean it. When I was drinking, the few people that were concerned were losing their concern quick - and I didn't care either. But today, I'm happy, joyous, and free today yet another day. I say that with truth, not because it's a "standard AA line". If I'm not having a good day, I know who the cause is and where to look - in the mirror. That "tool" is sometimes a mixed blessing, but its 100% better than avoiding or ignoring the problem.

Anyways - that "thought" clanged during my morning meditation yesterday. I think God as I understand Him wants my heart to be pure each day, so sometimes I might get an interruption from what might be "a rote prayer". Yes - I think it's necessary for me to ask Him for the Power to overcome the compulsion and tendencies to want to pick up a drink, but maybe yesterday was a reminder to give it a minute to go beyond "rote" and imagine life today without the blessing. Maybe it was like a "call" to not regret the past, but also not to shut the door on it. A realtime "get real" moment.

Lately, I've been working a recovery program and taking actions and probably re-doubling my efforts since the girl broke up with me. It seems the more I give (whatever it may be), the more that gets returned. Today, I have more "things" under my care than I ever had in my life - ever. I almost feel guilty - like I'm "spoiled" because the Giver keeps giving. I accept that I'm really only a manager over the "assets" in my possession and I do what I can learning to be a "steward' instead of an owner. I can't take anything with me, and these crazy Monks tell me to not become attached to anything.

And that's the irony, the less "attached" I try to be to "things", the more "things" keep showing up in my yard, house, driveway, etc. Today, I have every need met with "things" left over and the more I give away, and I mean literally give away like cars, computers, furniture - more "stuff" sneaks back that is even "bigger and better". I'm sort of befuddled about why, but I don't really give it much thought why. But I do enjoy these things then I try to pass them on to others instead of spending them all up for just me. I have a good time in life, and sometimes I forget that I can get miserable if "my will" takes the reign.

I was homeless once. I lost everything. I didn't know up from down from sideways. I was sick and shaking. I almost blew my brains out.

The "landscape" has changed so drastically from then today. And there is only one thing different today from back then.

Today I said a prayer and didn't pick up a drink. I owe this incredible life to the AA Recovery Program, the Fellowship, the Big Book, and a God of my understanding that I learned how to find today with your help.

It was a good to take a minute to really "think" about where the "good things" in life come from, and where they could go if AA were gone.

No doubt in my mind, "once an alcoholic - always an alcoholic." I have no defense against the first drink. In my own power, I'm doomed. If there is something to drink, I will drink it if I don't keep trudging this spiritual path of action.

It's a great day to be Paul today, and it looks like your having the same kind of day. I'll bet you're the best Anne the world has ever seen today!

God bless :D

Posts: 178
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:11 am
Location: alberta

My name is Anne, I'm an alcoholic

Postby musicmode » Thu Dec 06, 2007 12:09 am

Hi Paul,

Ya'know...even though I can not hear your voice physically...there is a tone, though, that seaps through the subliminal channels with clarity, and that tone is deep inner peace. That's what I want...and it's interesting to me, to observe the so many who have that distinct sound.

I have experienced what you describe. Your words seemed to "ring true" deep down somewhere. When I meditate on what life would be like today without the blessing, things enter my head like: I'd miss the true beauty of the mountains, or the landscape at sunrise; or just passing moments that I seem to find honest joy out of--a child's laugh when they are really enjoying what is going on--I'd miss that if it were not for the blessing. If I were still "lucky" enough to be alive (if I were still drinking), I would miss so much, and miss out on so much. I'd be in such deep despair, and would not know why.

I, too, have noticed, and enjoyed the feeling, but never really took much time to ponder it...is the more I give, the more that gets returned. I have shared the feeling that goes along with that. When the less "attached" I am with things, the more things keep showing up. I recognize these things/meaning, knowing what all this is the result of. I will nod, appreciating where the good things in life come from...God of my understanding...I do thank Thee. Very impressed :wink: . I know, too, where they could go or could've gone if there was no AA.

Perhaps...I have just zero'd in on that sacred place within me. Where to listen for God as I understand Him. It's like...you almost understand, but not quite--but you do...sort-a. :roll: . What I've been reading in the Meditation forum, is helping a great deal. I need to practice just the 'be still' part. I sense that it has to do with something called patience :o ...gee, ya think? :P :wink: .

Glad to hear you're alright :)

Take it easy,

garden variety
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm
Location: Ohio

Re: My name is Anne, I'm an alcoholic

Postby garden variety » Thu Dec 06, 2007 6:01 am

musicmode wrote:It's like...you almost understand, but not quite--but you do...sort-a.

My relatives have a couple words to describe this that are translated "The Great Mystery".

I like that expression. God as I understand Him is the "Great Mystery" to me, but I'm at peace with having the Great Mystery stay that way. I don't need all the "answers", but like you said, I know where to look for the answers when I need them. And the answers are always there in that same place.

Someone else said it this way:"...more will constantly be disclosed to you and to us."

I like that "disclosure" is "constant". Still a Great Mystery.

Posts: 334
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2009 1:10 am
Location: Singapore

Postby Ranman99 » Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:34 pm

Just roamin' around and catchin' up on my reading. I had an esoteric ramble with a friend today. I feel more at peace than I have ever in my life and I also feel more than ever in my life that I do have a responsibilty to all fellow travelers with a special degree in drunks like me.

My little bit to a friend in Toronto:

I wonder how people would behave if they knew that the whole course of their lives were determined by how many people were praying for them and how many against??? Where all intent and thoughts of that person equals prayer. So if someone was praying please help keep that person safe and happy and healthy every day that added to the plus side and if another was saying I hope that f@#$%%r fry's in purgatory like a big BBQ that that was in the negative energy column. I wonder how they would live. I then wonder we check in with them again after a year like that and say. Oh ya by the way. Every time you think positive of another it ends up in your own plus column and every time you think negative of another it is in your own negative channel. i.e. you punish your own spirit in an equal or even greater proportion. Ya we would tell them greater. Twice as bad as when you think positive towards another eh! Then we tell them oh by the way the Universe is not expanding its rushing towards the source!!!! Ya we tell em' all this and see how it goes. How quick would people want to sort out the sh@#$!T if what I just said is true? Bottom line would be though that HP would not be the one keeping score it will be built in and we will be the masters of our own destiny based on the programming of this wonderful machine!! Just for today!

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