My name is Anne, I'm an alcoholic.
There's been some talk over the past little bit about how we, in this program, in essence, become family, thus: relationships in the family. I had something occur with a "sibling" last night, and on one hand, I've dismissed it, but on the other hand, there was something of a feeling of which occured inside of me that I can not dismiss. So, it's not the issue or the incident, but rather the feelings that got stirred up that I need some help sorting through, please? There's a tiny twinge of resentment, but it's mixed with the thought that there's no possible way I can hold a resentment with this person, yet something bothers me?
The incident was very small really. On Christmas Eve, or maybe the night before that, I had nearly a 2 hour telephone conversation with this lady who has 29 years. ### don't get me wrong, I don't mean to talk bad about her at all, I'm simply relaying what ####. We had a good heart to heart conversation, and 2 hours later, we said good night, merry Christmas, etc. Last night, she called and it was almost 10, and I was very tired~~but that's okay. I would just listen, as this lady always has something to share, from which I learn, and always...and last night was no different, I walked away from the conversation with something to meditate on...and that was her perspective of how she has understood the principle of we are not affiliated with any religion. AA is the only religion she needs, she is very spiritual...it works for her, and I learn from her. That is not the part of the conversation that has created a stir within me. The part that creates the stir, is...the very forefront of the conversation, and it was her tone with me, and what she said: she'd been alone Christmas day, didn't receive any phone calls, not even from you (meaning me). Here's the feeling...I felt bad, that I'd done (or not done) something wrong, and I felt guilty, and I apologized, meekly. She says that was okay, but then starts talking on about who had called her, and telling me about those conversations, then trailed her talk onto some program stuff ### I always ####. We ended the conversation on a pleasant tone. It was through the night, after I'd gotten some sleep, and I woke up with this awareness. My "reaction" to her tone, and her words, were so deeply programmed...the child getting "drunkened" sh** from an adult, and wanting to run and hide in a closet or under a table or something--and even now, as I tell this to you, as well as when she was saying this to me, I started to shake, like a frightened tremor. I then had trouble getting back to sleep, because...the more I thought about this, I then got angry, thinking: this is why I don't trust alcoholics...they rope you in with kindness, then hit ya with the rope because of something you did/didn't do, you apologize, then they say with this "loving tone" that it's okay. I know, maybe I should have called her Christmas day. Did I know she was going to be alone that day? Yes, in the 2 hour conversation prior to the day, she said that she enjoyed the quiet time and that she was okay with that. Could I have invited her out? Sure...however, my husband and I had already discussed that this year, we wanted to stay home and not have other people around. This was the first year we didn't go anywhere, or have a bunch of people in, our children were able to open their presents, and play with what they got when ever they wanted to. The lady and I had talked about this, too, during our 2 hour conversation. Anyway...as I said...the trouble that stirs about within me is as a result of what was said and how. I look at the question: where was I selfish? I could have called her, certainly, of that, I am guilty. I did think to invite her out, that would have meant driving into town to get her, then taking her home again, which to me, isn't a big deal...but my husband and I had already predetermined weeks ago how our day was going to be, and this is what we did, indeed, stuck to. It was a no stress, no muss/no fuss Christmas day for us, and a first at that. It was nice. The only phone call made that day was to my Mom and Dad who are a 6 hour drive away. The feeling deep down inside of me is, like a want to cry...curl up against a wall on the floor and bawl. I gotta be honest with ya, I don't like this feeling, guys. What's going on here?
Thanks for your input,