- All relationships seem different now.

All relationships seem different now.




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

All relationships seem different now.

Postby crickit » Sun Jul 31, 2005 10:48 pm

Hello all. Glad to see the forum is back. I've come to enjoy all the messages daily.

On the topic of relationships. It seems like all my relationships are changing, some good and some bad.

My son still refusing to let me see my grandson but mainly it's his girlfreind that's causing the problem. I was so upset that my own son would turn on me like that, then I relized how badly he has been treating me. His girlfreind has convinced him that I'm the cause of all the stress in his life and I guess he finally believes it. I've been almost 6 months in recovery and can now see clearly what's happened. I spent the first 4 months apologizing for everything I've done to no avail. I finally told my son to please stop arguing with her about me, just work on the relationship and all will turn out well. Well they split up a couple of weeks ago and she sent me an e-mail saying it was all my fault and that now I would definately never see my grandson. I was not very nice in my reply, and I regret that now, but I just couldn't take anymore of her abuse. So now they are back together and I'm out of Ryan's life. Part of me is very upset that I won't see my grandson grow but the other part of me has accepted that they have to work things out between the two of them. If he believes I am the horible person she says I am then I don't need that in my life anyway, son or not. I just pray everyday that they will be able to work things out and raise their son in a healthy happy environment. They will no longer have me to blame for their troubles.

My relationships with my sisters on the other hand has improved. One of my sisters died last month of cancer and another sister is still in the final stages. I have 2 other sisters besides and we have all become very close. I don't think I could have gotten through this if I hadn't been sober and working the steps.

My 2 daughters have watched the dramatic change in just 6 months and tell me all the time how proud they are of me. They are 15 and 18 and they are starting to make better choices after watching what alcohol and drugs have done to me.

Last but not least, my husband. He left me 3 weeks ago because he couldn't handle the stress. I was diagnosed with MS 1 1/2 years ago and he has had a very hard time coping. For the first year after my diagnosis I drank myself silly until I relized that this disability is not going to beat me down. I joined AA Feb 14 and stopped running. My husband also had an accident in January that fatally injured the man in the other car. The accident was in no way his fault but he saw the man cut in two under his truck and has not been able to deal with it. He instead hid himself in drugs. It seemed that the more I got better the worse he got. Our relationship completely changed. Well the latest update is that he came back this weekend to try again. I told him I love him dearly but I will not let him affect my sobriety. He has to deal with his stuff how every he knows how. Part of me feels guilty, knowing that he is ill and probably needs my support. Being ill myself I would hate for everyone to abandon me. So how do I give him the forgiveness and tollerance that I expect people to give me. Taking care of me still seems very selfish but I also know I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself.

So for me, relationships are very different now. It almost seems real LOL and I can think with a clear head for the first time in a long time. I sometimes wish things could go back to the way they used to be but I also know that my perception of things was not always very acurate. So one day at a time, I do the best I can to make ammend when I can and try not to feel beat up when I'm not accepted. One day at a time, I ask the gods for tollerance of the people that have not been able to open their hearts and forgive. One day at time I pray that I can be living proof that the program works and things do get better. One day at a time I pray the gods will give me the capacity to forgive and not hold any resentments to the people in my life that are not well, battleing addictions themselves.

When one day at a time is too much to bare I take it 60 minutes at a time and remember to always stay in today. Working the program and doing the best that I can, all will be exactly the way the gods want it to be.

The best relationship of all is the one I've learned to trust the most. The relationship with the gods of my understanding. It has aloud me to make new freinds with people in AA and on this forum. I almost feel whole again and I'm getting to know me all over again. I remember reading one of the stories in the big book when someone said they didn't know who they were anymore. Her sponsor replied 'then you can be anyone god wants you to be".

For that I'm greatful

Happy 24 hours,
Love and Bright Blessings
Crickit
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fullplate

Postby Rusty Zipper » Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:17 am

good morning Cricket... i hope finding you well? Cricket, your post touched me very much. man, oh man. is your plate ever full. you are the one of the people that realy help keep me grounded. i try to stay pretty humble. at times my disaese wont let me. but when i hear stories like your's. i get all choked up with tremendous "Grattiude"... Cricket i have a very dear recovery buddie that has a real full plate also. what she say's is a lot like you, sometime's it's a min. at a time. it seems like your trying to do the right thing. really work on your recovery, and deal with the life issue's, and yourself issue's... relationship's, Cricket, my relationship with my recovery buddie has gone through many changes in the year, and a half we've known each other. i had a post about it, but of course it was lost. maybe i write it again sometime. "God's will not mine" :wink: we have gone through up's, and down's... the one thing that is a given... we have grown individualy. we are there to support each other. we try to communicate the best that we can. keeping in mind we are both alky's. :roll: so for today, thing's are well. yup, "One Day at a Time".... keep up the "job" Cricket ........ hope to hear more. all good wishes, and xoxo Rusty Z :D
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Postby crickit » Tue Aug 02, 2005 1:59 pm

Thanks Rusty for the kind words. It seems strange to me now but all the reasons I had for drinking before have now become the reasons why I don't drink. As they say, 'there is nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse'. We always have to remember that no matter how bad things get there is always someone with worse problems and I always wonder how they get through it. My sister is my best example. She is in pain constantly since the cancer has moved into her bone. She keeps a brave face in front of us all and even cracks jokes (which are very hard to deal with sometimes) but we all no how afraid she is. I stay sober for her when I can't think of reasons for myself. I am so greatful for the opportunity to be there for her. It's not something I could have done a year ago without drinking away the saddness in my heart. Now I appreciate every day I have with her.

As far as my husband goes, I'm kind of at a stalemate. I think we both know that it's over but just don't know how to end it. For me it's just that I don't feel strong enough to go out on my own. He has agreed to provide for me and always be there for me but doesn't know if he can continue to live with me. If this had been a year ago I would have drank myself silly out of self pity. But now I see that we have grown in different directions and although we still love each other very much, we are not good for each other. Part of me likes to think that everything will work out and we will be together forever but at this point I think it's just denial. There has been so many issues that I don't know I can get over. For now, I'm not making any decissions I may regret in the future.

Relationships have never been one of my strong suites but knowing what my flaws and insecurities are has made me a better person. I now have freinds in my life, real freinds that I trust. With the Gods help, I will get better and become the person I should be.

Bright Blessings
Crickit
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re: Changed relationships...

Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 02, 2005 3:34 pm

Hey ya’ll :lol:

As I read your posts it takes me back in time to when I was new in AA.

When I got sober, I didn’t know that most all of my relationships were so screwed up before I got sober! I thought people were just treating me mean after I got sober because they wanted me to drink again!!! And, some of them did want me to drink again! They said I was better when I was drinking! So, I had resentments and guilt and remorse all bundled up nicely inside me! One minute I would focus on how bad and mean they were treating me. In the next minute I was full of guilt and remorse for how bad I was and how badly I did treat them. Talk about a mess!!! Extreme feelings. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization… sober!!! That was enough to make me want to drink!!!!

It took a long time for me to sort it out and even a longer time to get through it.

People in AA used to say to me, “It’s not all going sideways on you now that you are sober. It was like that when you were drinking… you just didn’t realize it then, because you were drunk!â€
Dallas
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smile

Postby Rusty Zipper » Tue Aug 02, 2005 4:37 pm

Dallas, you are one of the best thing's that came my way in along time. yup, Mr Big Book, lol. i was just walking out the door,and herd an incoming.... Dallas, the good alky that i am, couldnt wait til i got back! no, no, no, instant gratification, grant me my wishes NOW... you alway's help keep me teachable. you just put the biggest smile on my face. my recovery buddie had not second's before. just text message me... you see Dallas, when i was first in the room's. i paid very carefull attention to all the people like yourself. the one's who had a few pitfall's, yik's, we might say, Landslide's. they had shown me from expierance, just how the i'l do it my way approach can lead into a bit of trouble... so from all the "One's" i thank you... my life is a beautifull thing... not the material, but the spiritual... yup Mr Big Book, i'm leaving with some nice goose bump's on my arm. and a big smile on my face. Dallas , i am glad that in your early day's you annilized... i'ze gunna "U - Ti - Lize" :wink: i really got to get going, but having to much of not being "Glum" xoxo Rusty
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re: Changed relationships

Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 02, 2005 4:54 pm

Rusty!!! Hey Buddy!

Ditto! You're a most welcomed benefit to my life, too!

I always like reading your messages. Keep 'em coming!

You got it right Bro'

Util-ize instead of Anal-eyes! :oops:

When I Anal-eyes ... :roll: it sure makes it difficult to see :shock: the Sunlight of The Spirit shining on my life!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 8) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

KCB!

Dallas
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Postby crickit » Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:04 pm

Util-ize instead of Anal-eyes!

When I Anal-eyes ... it sure makes it difficult to see the Sunlight of The Spirit shining on my life!


Ok, you guys, explain for the newbie. I'm working on my 4th step and I thought it was all about analyzing. Please share :D

Crickit
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Analyze. Analysis. Utilize. Anal-eyes.

Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:24 pm

Analyze. Analysis. Utilize. Anal-eyes.

Think about it for a little bit. Then, ask your sponsor, first.

Be sure to spell it out for the sponsor, so that they can give you a better explanation.

I'll come back a little later and post something on it.

Hopefully... Rusty will probably beat me to it!!! :lol:

Dallas
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4th step

Postby Rusty Zipper » Tue Aug 02, 2005 5:25 pm

ok criket, oh, by the way how ya doing? not any time, but make time for fellowship friends ... i Will "KISS" this one, you know the keep it simply simple, around here some people use the word stupid. i no like. Cricket. reflection upon day's past, as honest as you can be... analizing is trying to figure it all out. that's it! :wink: howed i do for the simple approach Dallas? .............. your turn :lol: xoxo run,run,Rusty today. got's Detox commitment, and right after that. downstair's to lead a step 5 meeting. cricket, hurry up and do your Step 4, the 5th, will be fresh in my mind lol :roll: only kidding. see-ya
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Postby crickit » Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:53 pm

Analyze. Analysis. Utilize. Anal-eyes.



reflection upon day's past, as honest as you can be... analizing is trying to figure it all out. that's it!


ok, maybe that's a little too simple because I still don't get it. I will ask my sponsor tonight. We have our home group business meeting tonight. I'm trying to get more involved in the fellowship as you suggested Dallas. I'm going to talk to one of our members who heads up the shut in meetings. Because of my MS I thought it might be a good idea to volunteer my time now because eventually I will be in need of the shut in meetings.

All I can think of when I think of "Anal-eyes" is thinking with my head up my butt. My sponsor has told me that some day I will hear the 'pop' and I'll know I'm finally thinking clearly. I see "Utilize" as using the tools I've been given in AA. Moving out of my head and into action.

How did I do?

I'm ok Rusty, thanks for asking.

BB
Crickit
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