Hello Tamburasi,
It's good to see you back on the site. Haven't read anything from you in a while.
Geez, I wish I personally knew more about you, your sponsor and your situation, to make some kind of useful comments or share some of my own personal experience -- that may be helpful to you.
I don't like to get in the middle of Sponsor-Sponsee stuff -- so, I go to any lengths to try and avoid it.
Is this the same sponsor that you were having problems with, about a year ago? I looked up one of your old messages to see what it was like last year.
www.step12.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3891
Perhaps, it's time to do something different on your recovery path.
In my own life, I try to stick to the Big Book suggestions, and look until I find my part in any problem that I have. If I look close enough -- even if the other guy or gal had a bigger part to the problem than I did -- I still, always had a part in it.
Sometimes -- my part in the problem is that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time -- doing something with the wrong person to be doing it with. When that's the case for me, I try to find out which of my character defects were in play, when I was making the unhealthy choices.
Was it my self-esteem? My pride? My "herd instinct" of wanting to be "a part of the in-crowd"? Was I being selfish? Self-seeking? Dishonest? Or, afraid?
Also, in Chapter 5, of the Big Book, in the info for Step 3, pages 60-63, it appears that even when my motives and intentions are perfectly good -- there are going to be times, when things are just not going to go my way, and it will end up in minor and major problems for me.
After I figure out "the exact nature of my wrongs" (without looking at the other persons wrongs) -- then, I have something to work with. And, it becomes information that I can use to make some changes for the better.
Of course, my next Step, after I identify "my stuff" -- is that I need to find someone "who understands" what I'm trying to do, and talk to them about it.
They may not have any good advice or suggestions to give me. But, often, that doesn't matter. It seems that when I can hear myself, talking about what I need to change -- the truth becomes clear and obvious to me.
If I were in your situation, and perhaps, in a way, sometimes I have been in the same situation, but in a slightly different way, I would want to find someone who is familiar with A.A. and with alcoholics and alcoholic thinking -- and talk to them about the problem, explaining my parts in it, and seeking their help.
There have been times when I've felt offended and hurt by something my sponsor has said to me or the way that he said it. Personally, I get terrified to get angry with my sponsor. I have to find a sober and sane solution to my anger or hurt -- because I've seen the horrible things that have happened to others -- who got angry with their sponsor.
The way I look at it for myself is: Maybe God did have something to do with me picking the sponsor that I picked -- and, making it possible for that person to be my sponsor. Maybe not. But, what if He did? In reality -- I'll probably never know -- for sure -- the full answer to that question. It's okay with me -- if I never know. Because, in my reality -- it doesn't matter to me. And, the reason that it doesn't matter to me -- is because
I believe that "if I use the tools that God has given me" -- "the 12 Steps in guiding me what to do" -- God will somehow direct -- my thinking and my actions and choices and decisions, which will impact my results. And, either way how it turns out -- even if it explodes in my face -- God can help me, to make the best of it, so that the things that didn't look like they were good for me -- became the building blocks for what was best for me.
I don't like to think about changes that will be uncomfortable, or difficult or painful. But, sometimes, difficult, uncomfortable and painful changes -- can lead to my highest and best good.
I hope that I've helped rather than harmed. I wish you the best in making some choices and decisions -- that only you can make.
Dallas B.
