Sober relationships

[Dallas]

The first thing that I learned about relationships in recovery -- that seemed to be worth learning, was -- that "I have a relationship with my own recovery. And, the quality of all of my other relationships in life -- will be a reflection of the quality of relationship that I maintain with my recovery."

Dallas

[garden variety]

Hey Dallas,

That was an interesting comment. I'd like to ask you to give me something more to chew on about what you mean. Maybe you can elaborate a little bit deeper? How do I "measure" or "assess" the relationship I have with my own recovery? What am I looking for? You know - I need them numbers and bullets!

Thanks!

[Dallas]

Relationships are about giving.

And, I know that I can't give what I haven't got.

So, the quality of my relationships with others... is a direct reflection of my relationship with myself.

If I don't have a good relationship with myself -- how can I possibly offer to give to someone else -- what I haven't got, to give them?

Perhaps giving is not the word I should be using here. I can't actually "give" a relationship to someone else. All I can do is to be around them... and they will automatically experience the effects of me.

If my cup is over-flowing... whatever is in my cup is going to spill out and on to them. And... by the same token... if my cup is empty with nothing to give... I'll be like a siphon... draining out of them what they have.... because I have nothing of my own. In other words... I'll be a taker... instead of a giver.

So, what's in my cup? What's in my cup is dependant upon what's in myself. And, all the good that's in myself -- is a manifestation of, and a result of, my relationship with my own recovery.

For me, my recovery represents living "my design for living." And, for me, my design for living... is our design for living... that I've learned and discovered and applied in and through A.A.

So, the quality of my relationship with my recovery... is a result of my application of our tools and our way of life.... And, if I'm applying it... and living it... I'll end up having a good relationship with myself.

There was once a time in my life... that I just couldn't stand myself! There was good reason for that... I needed to make some major changes. Once I made the changes... I eventually began to like myself.

Have you ever been with... or been in a relationship with... someone who didn't like their self? It sucks.

So, if I don't like myself... what good do I have to share with someone else?

When my relationship with my recovery is right... it gets me right on the inside and on the outside... and I'll end up liking myself... and enjoying being the me that I am. And, with that... I'll feel happy to be me. And, if I'm happy to be me... I'm happy. I can't make someone else happy. I can't give enough of anything to make them happy. But, I can give happiness to myself by using our tools and way of life. And, if they are happy to be around me... they are experiencing the happiness that's inside me... that is a direct relationship to my relationship with my recovery.

Dallas

[eastcoastscott]

I agree totally, I have an example. My wife and I met while I was 2 years into sobriety. I continued on for another 10 or so years. She and her 2 kids never saw me drink or get drunk. When I relapsed they sure noticed the change in me...for the worse of course. Now that I am back in recovery and putting a lot of effort into it, my wife commented recently " we have the old Scott back" . I am definitely more calm, understanding, patient, loving etc. I am far from perfect but am on the right track. I also feed off her positivity as well and I do have more to offer when I am sober. I have a son from a previous marriage and all 5 of us have been together now for over 10 years as a blended family, life is good, God willing.

Scott

[Dallas]

Thanks for sharing Scott!!! I appreciate it!

Dallas