- I'm single, and still scared

I'm single, and still scared




Topics and discussions related to being single and or dating while in recovery

I'm single, and still scared

Postby 918gma » Sun Jul 31, 2005 11:49 am

I have been sober a little over a year now. I have been through the steps once, and am working my way through them again. I have seen many couples that are in the program. They seem to have a conection that I have never experienced in a relationship.

I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I do knw beyond any doubt that when I do, he will be in the program and probably have some good sobriety under his belt.

I have just made so many bad choices in my drunk a log that I am still very timid about doing it agian. I have a lot on my plate these days and it's hard enough to stay on task.

I am just now getting used to have real friends. Quality friends that give a #%^^# about me and what I'm doing. That in itself is a big change for me. I have to be responsible to keep in touch with them, and call if I'm not going to be at a meeting or keep an appointment I had made with them.

This program has given me so many things, and maybe some day, it might give me a partner in life, but not today.

I am interested in hearing about people that do date or have relationships in the program. I can always learn for later
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re: Single and still scared...

Postby Dallas » Mon Aug 01, 2005 7:51 pm

re: Single and still scared...

Hello 918gma!

Thank you for your post. I was beginning to wonder how long it would take for someone with enough courage to start the messages here!

Since you have been sober for a little over a year, and you’ve been through the Steps, I’m sure you are in a lot better space and place than you were in previous to that! :lol:

I have also seen many couples in the Fellowship, that appear to have a connection that I never experienced in a relationship… and it looks so totally awesome and incredible… and unbelievable. And, once I get to know them for a while… many times, the inside of the house has no resemblance to the outside! :lol:

My experience has been both, good and not so good relationships in the past. It’s kind of like that country song, “The Gamblerâ€
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Postby crickit » Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:19 pm

[quote]It’s kind of like that country song, “The Gamblerâ€
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Wow

Postby 918gma » Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:34 am

Cricket

In a way, you sound a lot like me. I also have two bad marriages, and three kids. I have been a single parent most of thier lives.

Both of the mairages were disasters, but yet I still went through the hell your going through now on both of them.

I was still drinking when I ended both of mine. So the grieving process got diluted some what shall we say.

I do have a lot of experience in being alone though. It has its advantages and diadvantages. But I can also tell you that bad isn't better than none. Once you let go and grieve and put the relationship behind you. The relief from the guilt of living a lie and the strain of being with some one you really don't want to be with is tremendous.

I have a certian indipendance from being alone that has made me a stronger person. It wasn't easy and I won't insult your intellegance by lying to you about it.

At this stage in my life I may occasionally think I want a man in my life, but I know I can live without one. I feel relationships based on want as opposed to need are going to be stronger. In other words I won't be settling for some thing, because I have to fill a need. I can be with him because I know thats what I want.

About making bad choices. We've all been there. That's what this learning process is all about isn't it, to learn how to make better choices. We can't use our choices as an excuss to back out and drink. We already know thats not going to work. And now that you have AA under your belt, and us, you are going to have suport which is some thing you probably haven't had too much of, if you anything like me.

I'm not overlooking the wheelchair, I heard it loud and clear. I have a handicapped Daughter. I have a good understanding of how scarry it can be to do things by yourself with a handicap. Remember you also have a higher power to turn this over to now, that you didn't have before. What a blessing that is. I hope I have helped some. Good luck friend and stick with the winners. We won't let you down.
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Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:36 am

Crickit,

You asked
How do you force yourself to make a decision you know you have to make but are too scared to make it?



#1. I run ALL major decisions through my sponsor. And, I talk it over with him, first.

#2. By having my sponsor know everything that's going on in my life and what I'm doing... he is able to help me get to the other side of any problem that I've faced so far.

You also mentioned "fear".

I know that right now you are working on your Fourth Step, and you'll be making a list of your fears, and by the time you are finished with your 4th Step, you'll know why you have the fears.

In Step 5, you'll talk about those fears with your sponsor.

In Step 6, you'll be (hopefully) ready to have God remove the fears.

In Step 7, You'll ask for the fears to be removed. And, they get removed.

That's the wonderful thing about the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's not about me working on stuff to fix it... it's about getting it fixed for me by applying the 12 Steps to it.

As I understand this deal, until I let go of trying to fix something, Life, God, or "the gods" as you refer to them, stand by and wait until I'm finished working on it. Once I finally surrender, and admit that I can't fix it, and ask for the help, I get it.

It's kind of like my drinking. As long as I was trying to fix it and control it, it just got worse. But, then when I surrendered, admitted that I couldn't fix it, and sought God's help to fix it... I got sober.

It's so simple how "It Works" and sometimes I used to have a tendency to complicate it. Now, I keep it real simple and let the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous work me -- instead of me trying to work it.

How do I do that? I simply take the actions. The 12 Steps and apply those principles in all my affairs. By doing that, the 12 Steps work me over!!!

Dallas
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Postby crickit » Wed Aug 03, 2005 3:04 pm

It's so simple how "It Works" and sometimes I used to have a tendency to complicate it. Now, I keep it real simple and let the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous work me -- instead of me trying to work it.

How do I do that? I simply take the actions. The 12 Steps and apply those principles in all my affairs. By doing that, the 12 Steps work me over!!!

Dallas


Thanks Dallas; It still amazes how simple this program is. I have to try not to complicate it. Just by changeing my perception and allowing the program to work me makes so much more sense. It relieves the sense of urgancey. Thank you Dallas.

I do have a lot of experience in being alone though. It has its advantages and diadvantages. But I can also tell you that bad isn't better than none. Once you let go and grieve and put the relationship behind you. The relief from the guilt of living a lie and the strain of being with some one you really don't want to be with is tremendous.


918gma; thanks for your comments. Your right, being alone is better that being with someone you don't want to be with. I brought up the topic 'making sober decisions' at last nights closed meeting at my home group. Everyone all ready knows the situation so I brought it up for discussion. There were about 20 people in the meeting last night so I got a lot of input. But the one that stood out the most was a fellow member 'if I have to ask the question then I probably already know the answer and I can ask as many people as I want but will probably never find the answer I want to hear". Humm, harsh reality LOL So last night I came home and prayed. During my meditation I gave up looking for answers and left the decision up to the gods. I can still offer my unconditional love and understanding and tollerance and still do what's best for me without being selfish. I woke this morning with a sense of relief knowing that no matter what happens, I never have to feel lonely again. I have also realized that I love my husband enough to let him go. Feeling this way is very new to me and don't exactly know how I got here other then prayer. Today, I feel no resentment, remorse,guilt or anger towards him. Making decisions with love and understanding is so much better than in haste out of anger. WOW, I can express how much gratitude I have for having the capacity to change perceptions. It's like being re-born every day.

Thank you all so much for helping me grow. My husband thinks I am now addicted to AA and that I'm being brainwashed LOL. I just smiled at him and felt pity. He doesn't understand and he never will until he takes the steps himself. Today, I am so greatful to be an alcoholic. If it's an addiction then it's one I never want to give up.

Bright Blessings to all from a very greatful alcoholic
Crickit
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Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:24 pm

You said:
thinks I am now addicted to AA and that I'm being brainwashed LOL


I'd rather be addicted to AA and brainwashed with AA than addicted and brainwashed without AA! :lol: Been there, done that, and paid for that life!

Sounds like you go to some good AA meetings!

Did you ever stop to think, that there are over 2 million AA members in over 150 countries. There is hardly a town or village that you can go to without finding at least a few AA members. And, you have a Higher Power, too!

How could you ever be afraid of being alone? The only way I think it's possible is to let your Perception and Ego run wild... and the 12 Steps will fix that, if you take them! You don't even have to try or work at it... it just happens automatically, as a result of taking the 12 Steps. (Page 83,84... Big Book: Step 10). :lol:

I spent many years trying to fix myself and only got worse. Then, I surrendered and took the 12 Steps, and they fixed me. What an amazing paradox! Simple. Not always easy... but always simple.

Dallas
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Postby new2this » Thu Aug 04, 2005 5:23 am

Wow.....it sure sounds like a lot of alkie women aren't so "uniquely different", after all! :shock:

I too have a couple of bad marriages and am still in the second one. But it's getting better since I started taking myself out of the picture and quit trying to "run the show". It's not like living alone, though. It's more like living with a roommate that I detest and avoid as much as possible! But hey, that's a step up from actually caring what someone else thought about me......especially when that someone didn't have my best interests at heart. I'm a lot happier now. I still get nutty sometimes....what can you expect....I'm an alcoholic. But it's nothing like I used to be before I started taking the steps and following direction(that I often didn't believe in :wink: )!

And in spite of being married all my life, I also have pretty much been a single parent the whole time.

And this sounds real familiar to me, too....

"I'm married to an addict and we have drifted so far apart since I've been in recovery. The better I get the worse he gets. "

Originally, that was my type of thinking, too. But it's been drilled into my head enough now that I realize that "he" was really that bad all along. I was just to drunk to realize it. Or remember it. Or care. Things weren't getting any worse. I was finally noticing how bad they were.

So when I got sober I had to admit it had been pretty crappy all along.

I noticed that Dallas mentioned that the first thing you should do when making an important decision is to run it by your sponsor. And he's right. My sponsor and I have a little saying that came off a Garfield coffee cup....it said "Use your friends wisely". So "use your sponsor wisely"! Heck, that's what they're there for!

Of course, the tough part of that is actually following the advice and direction they offer. It only works if you work it! :lol:

We've all mentioned "God-shots" many times before. I think that relationships are probably a God-thing, too. And when it's time to have one, He lets us know. Sometimes it doesn't work out the way we want it to, but for whatever reason, I truly believe He had a purpose for us to be in it. Whether it be children or companionship or just teaching us what NOT to do in the future, there must have been a plan in there somewhere!

Anyhoo, it's great to hear from ya'll and have you prove to me again that I'm really not that different at all!

Ya'll??? Sheesh.....am I a bona-fide hillbilly or what?? :lol:

Take care all!

Cathy
Last edited by new2this on Thu Aug 04, 2005 11:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Dallas » Thu Aug 04, 2005 6:57 am

Well hello New2This!!! Long time since I heard from you!!!

Glad you could make it back to the board posting messages. I was getting a little concerned…. I had noticed that there was only two posts from you since the new board has been up!!! I was afraid that perhaps you had gotten a case of post-a-phobia, or developed an allergy to the keyboard :lol: Just partially joking, now. Don’t take me too seriously!

Welcome back to the board! You’re messages help me and I’m sure that they help many others… who may never even tell you how much you sharing your experience, strength and hope means to them. Some of those people may decide to come and look for your messages every day. You may be speaking to them, and you don’t even know it. Sometimes, it’s easy to slack up on the actions, because we start thinking in terms of “I’m doing this for me, and the benefits that I get out of itâ€
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two head's, can be better than one

Postby Rusty Zipper » Thu Aug 04, 2005 5:57 pm

hey stepr's, any room left for me :wink: have read a hell of alot of thought's, feeling's, and emotion's up there. the first thing i would like to mention is a word called "Boundry's" holly crap, what this? well as good alky's, we kinda were all over the place in our head's, raceing thought pattern's, projection, our past, knowing what's best for the other person. when we were realy thinking what was best for ourself's. how thing's should be. oh yes, the real crowd pleaser of all times. the never ending fear of impending doom! WHAMMO, what's gunna happen next, and how can i alter that from happening. i know now, it's the Power Greater Than running the show... now with the help of some Boundry's, and of course TPTB, i find that letting the other person be who their intended to be. weather they know that for themself's, or not .... not getting in their space. we have no control over what, and how the other act's. for me, my relationship with my recovery buddie now , is a true merical. early on, she said just let time, be time, and that's what we did. it was a very bumpy road. for me the respect, the commpassion, never putting demand's. the understanding of the other's own persional recovery, and their other life issues. be it spiritual, emotional, physical, and yes material. setting the Boundry's for myself, and the other person. at times it's not easy, i am an alcoholic. i'm supposed to meddle, i'm supposed to fix, i'm supposed to know what's best. yup all, for me, i believe that boundry's, and the Power That Be play a big part in having a relationship, shure i would love to say an everlasting one. i know cannot,.once i made the commitment to turning my life over to TPTB, thing's can never be the way that they were. i'm going down that Rabbit hole...... i can only enjoy what life has to bring me for that day. the tommorow's may come, and those are possibilities.. so when my Re Cov. Bud. and i live truly One Day at a Time, all is just as it should be... i stil may tell you all about it someday... enjoying it too much now..... there was a awufull lot of pain thrown in i might add. so how ever it end's up, be it good, bad, or indifferent. i'm along for the ride "Happy Destiny" to all xoxo :D Rusty
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