I know a little about that situation you're talking about. I don't quite understand how or why things like you described happen with women and their sponsors in this northern Ohio area, but there is something wrong if you ask me. Let me tell you about some of the things I've seen.
I know a lady who had 12 years sober. She was needing a new sponsor, and this new gal from another state happens to show up at one of her meetings. The new gal from another state has 22 + years sober and this girl with 12 years gets together with her, they get to know each other, and the girl who moved here decides to sponsor the other girl after she was asked.
About 2-3 years into their sponsor-protege' relationship, the girl with less sobriety starts dating. Not new guys, just dating. She gets a steady boyfriend. The sponsor with 22+ years tells her protege', now with over 12 years that she is not ready to date. The protege' first of all gets hurt because the sponsor didn't give her any reasons why that made sense. But she likes the guy, and he is in the fellowship with many years too. The guy doesn't know the sponsor, but the sponsor "trashes" the guy and tells her protege' to stop dating him or else.
The "or else" happened. The sponsor dumps the protege' and trashes her to the group of girls they both hung around with. Now the protege' loses her support group because the sponsor has a habit of intimidating girls with less sobriety. Not a single girl will say anything about the woman with 22 years even though she is plain wrong and mean by now.
I won't mention names, Finch, because there is a good possibility you know somebody I'm talking about. Not saying that to say you're bad, but just letting you know that I know how a few ladies around this area conduct themselves, and it is a small world. And it is not a pretty sight to watch or be part of. And it's not heresay either. If you've lived around here any time and dated someone in the fellowship, you WILL run into this kind of thing.
See a lady I'm friends with also told me a few things about some of the differences between the way guys sponsor and ladies sponsor around here. She said a lady and her sponsor have "relationships" that are deeper then men do. I agree. That's in line with what you say about feeling "badly burned".
I hate to say this Finch, but what you're talking about is real and it hurts, and it happens a lot. I can tell you been through some of this by your words. I bet you probably blamed yourself when a sponsor who you thought was your friend just "turned" on you. You probably had a "relationship" with your sponsor (I don't mean sexual) and thought you were close. You probably cried when she "let you go" - like you said "no friend nothing". If you didn't get trashed in your support group, or you didn't have to "go outside your circle" to meet a new sponsor and build a new support group, I would be surprised.
My heart really goes out to you Finch - it's not supposed to be like this. Now I'll bet you have been nothing less than a compassionate and caring AA woman. You probably can be counted on to pick up the new girls, and you probably help your fellow AA women when they are down and out by giving them rides and talking to them when they're crying at 1 AM. Then BOOM - something happens you can't explain, and you're on the outs with your sponsor, your friends, and support group. Maybe you even feel like you hate AA at times because of the contradictions you've experienced.
Maybe I'm way wrong or off base. I'm sorry if I overstepped. I'm not trying to put you on the spot, either. But I tell you what, I might not be a girl, but I have seen some of the things you're talking about and more. I've been called a guy who thinks with his "hardware" (you know the other word that begins with "d"), and the lady sponsor that said that has not ever met me, and doesn't know me - and she is wrong (there were more than one who said things like this about me). I've seen too many girls get confused and discouraged because they thought their relationship was one way with a sponsor, but the sponsor had other ideas.
I don't know why it's that way. I wish it wasn't. Women have the cards stacked against them when they come into the program. "Society" judges women alcoholics different than men. Men are given more chances by both men and women. Women are given less. Women are looked at from the get-go as horrible and disgusting if they are alcoholics. Men are looked at as though alcoholism is expected. Relapses? Men can do it a whole lot more. Women that go back out drinking get snarled up and glared out of the fellowship by other women that were once friends or sponsors - to stay drunks or to die - or to maybe find a new group of AA girls across that river that doesn't know the first group of ladies.
You are right, there is nothing in the book or traditions that says this is how you sponsor. I don't blame you if you don't like it either - all I can say is I know you're not alone.