Hi ya Kelly...pm'd ya the other day, don't know if ya got it yet...been having, uh...e-hem
..."discussions" with my computer.
Focus on staying sober and getting well...while I work the steps, and focus on today and do what I am to do...the rest all falls into place.
As for us married people (uh..yes...hel-lloo
, over hear
)...everything gets better...one step/day at a time
. And..yes, the sex gets better over here on "married street", too
. As with everything else, I have learn that I don't need booze to "loosen up", or to calm the nerves or whatever...we aren't fearful. Sex becomes more intimate as we lose our fear of getting too close to someone/or having them getting too close for us. I no longer use sex as an "ego boost" (self-serving)...in otherwords...I'm there for the right reasons...because I really love and cherish my husband. Yes, there was a wake of a mess to clean up, a lot of it was the baggage of the past--that was caused because of my own self-will run riot. I did not understand intimacy, I didn't want anything to do with loving-tenderness and the closeness--because I was sure that "you just wanted something out of me anyway". My thinking...my perspective was all twisted up and abstract, it was also that way about love and sex. I didn't trust, didn't get close and made sure you didn't get "too close" to me, and I would decide the distance. I needed to learn and understand that love did not mean sex, and sex did not mean love...was wrong thinking. It was selfish thinking. Simply to feed my own animal instincts was really what it was all about--to fill that void, when alcohol failed. The issue with that though, was that the sex did not fill that void either, I was still left with those rotten ugly feelings...that I'd then further drown with booze. I was only fuelling the monster...lust, sex, greed, with glazed over eyes (alcoholic).
Giving it a year is a very good suggestion, otherwise, we might be actually replacing the alcohol with sex...we "need"(ed) alcohol, right? Do I need sex, a man, a drink, the obsessive compulsive trait still lies there. I am aware of a lady who replaced drugs with booze only, then she replaced those with gambling, then she replaced that with shopping--she'd buy shoes, dresses, whatever...and sometimes would not even be her size--it was a 'rush' for her...it filled a void...temporarily, though, is what she learned when she stopped replacing one problem with another. She was not using drugs when she was drinking; then she was "clean and sober", but slipped into gambling; then she was clean of all of these things, but....right? I was cautioned to also watch for eating disorder--that was from someone who knew me well enough to know she should say that--might be over eating, might not be eating at all. I am aware of another lady who keeps coming back--and going out, and coming back, and...you get it. She goes to the bar, "doesn't have anything to drink", didn't drink...ends up going home with a guy cuz she "needs" a man. Robin Hood and Maid Marion are fiction...nobody is going to come along and sweep us away (easier softer way??). This lady ends up going back out, cuz the "relationship" fails, then she's all "boo-hoo"...then goes back out. Get your own head on straight first. I've seen this lady's example way
too many times. The wait a year thing though, I've heard that put out there to a lady who was actually considering leaving her long term marriage...sobered up and went "what the f*** am I doing here?" She took her sponsor's suggestion to give it a year...if she still feels the same about leaving, then at least she's doing that with clear headed thinking. Year passes, the lady ended up staying in her marriage because...she had realized that their marriage had been all about her, her, her...and she saw that when she did her steps. Her husband was extremely supportive and understanding, and when he was giving her her space, she, at first (newly sober) thought he didn't like her anymore, she got all definsive and wasn't going to tolerate that, when...what he was doing--was giving her space for her recovery and to get her feet planted into the program. He knew all along that he was going to get "her old self" back...meaning...the person he knew before her alcoholism had progressed to full blown.
Sex is a spiritual connection between 2 people who are just 'right' for one another--and you know that feeling when it happens...like it has for Paul. Paul didn't sober up yesterday or last week/month...or even year. (Yes, I know Paul...you are here...don't wanna come across like I'm talking about 'cha like you're not). Love is not something you "find"...it's something that just happens
, and, you just know
. The "Hollywood version" of love, sex, lust...is all just fools gold. I can not call that when I first saw my husband and "bang/shot dead love/at first sight", however, when I first saw him, I just knew
...it was a no nonsense kind of knowing. I was so relaxed, that what would've been a "gotta have" under normal circumstances (my kind of normal, under active alcoholic conditions at the time
)...this was one of those times, though, when I had sobered up and stopped drinking (one of those "on my own" times). I knew he was the one, I also knew I was not ready for any contact...had a "fleeting suspicion" that my idea about sex and relationships was wrong somehow??? Just didn't know any more than that--something was wrong inside of me, that much I knew...which is nothing. I would see him a few times through out the next couple of months...and, every time...he was the one. A couple of months really isn't that long, at the time, I was 25, wasn't drinking, life was getting better--I didn't have the knowlege or the understanding of alcoholism, otherwise, I would have known that 2 months isn't very damn long kid
. What happened? Well...I'll tell ya...I celebrated
my birthday, including my good friend Jack Daniels, saw this guy, knew he was the one/known this for a while, swooped in, made my moves...went back to my place...one night stand, well, he came back the next couple of nights, then went up north to work. I...sobered up again...not feeling too good about myself. A month later...guess what? I'm pregnant. Long story short, this guy is my husband today, we have 2 daughters...but it hasn't been all "happily ever after". This one worked out, only because, I know...that God as I understand Him, made it so...cuz I
came SO close to losing it all...because of alcohol. I sobered up, and there's been a lot of times where each of us have realized where we never really knew each other. He didn't have the "real" me, cuz I was too damn afraid of the "real" me. I didn't like, never mind have a love for myself...and there's still a long ways to go...I'm just now, after 7 years and a few months in this program...I'm just now beginning to discover for myself who the "real" me is, because up until recently, I haven't been willing to give even me a chance. Funny thing about that is, that was one of the first clear statements I remember when I first started coming in to AA, and that was to give me a break/a chance...that I might discover that Anne isn't so bad. I'm learning to let go, and the more I let go, the better things get.
I'm happy for you Paul.