Hello loriwp!
Welcome to the site -- and welcome to the forum!
Ism's, huh?
Well. You could do what many self-respecting power-grabbing alcoholics do... and just get married to the guy!!!!
When I was in a situation that was similar to yours... "they" (my AA buddies, sponsor and mentors) said ... that I was "dancing the Dance of Death."
And, I thought... "What the heck does that mean and how do they know?" And, I didn't hear a word that they were trying to say to me -- until it got so painful that I ended up on the ledge of Jumpling Off Point!
I, too... sought some assistance from some well-meaning and good intentioned Al-Anons. They seemed to be more like the Black-Belt Old-Fashioned Al-Anons -- so they didn't use any mincing terms like "co-dependant." They were strickly Big Book type Al-Anons. And, they didn't use terms like "issues." And, thank God, that they didn't... because they were able to offer me some sound advice that a recovering alcoholic could use.
Here's what was suggested to me:
1. Make a list (inventory)... of all the times that I could remember that it was "on and off"... moving in or moving out.
2. When the list was finished to review it... and then to ask myself if it seemed like "sane, mature, and sober behavior" to me.
They said "if it sounds like sane, mature and sober behavior to you"... then, you need to discover the difference between sanity and insanity. And, if you don't know the difference... then you're probably also lacking the maturity that's required for a sane relationship.
They said, that as outsiders, observing what I was telling them... that I was doing the same thing over and over and over again... expecting different results.
They also asked me... "When you were doing that with your drinking... how successful were you at making it any better?"
And, they said "Yes. We know what your sponsor is calling "the dance of death." They said "Chances are one or both of you will return to drinking if you continue doing what you're doing... and, sooner or later, one of you will die. And, the one that lives... if there is one that lives... will go look for another dance partner and start the dance all over again."
Well. For me... in my situation, they were right. She went back to drinking and I nearly died. And, I was stupid enough to ask "What should I do now?"
My sponsor finally told me (not suggested)... "Look. You go move back in with her if you want to. But, if you pack up again and move out... or, if she moves out... you've got to have an end point. So, if it's on today and off tomorrow... then tomorrow is the end point and it's over. Finale. You move out and you stay out. You don't go back."
My Al-Anon friends suggested that the only way I was going to get over it (the pain and the insanity of it) was that I would have to do it just like I did with my drinking. I would have to make a decision that "this is for good." And, then follow through with "abstaining from it one-day and one-moment-at-a-time."
In other words... they were saying "Just like I plugged the jug and didn't drink one-drink-at-a-time... I had to put the plug on the insane relationship." For a period of time, I couldn't answer the calls, return the messages, or make the call. I had to cut it off entirely.
And, that's what I did to get through it.
Did I love her? You bet! Did I want her? More than anything. Did I want a relationship with her? Of course I did. Did I want to stay sober? Yes. Much more than anything. Was it hard? The hardest thing I ever did... besides being a newcomer!
That experience helped me to discover a question for myself that I could ask me, in regards to other relationship possibilities in the future... and to other things that I was doing. The question was:
"Is is sane? Is it sober? Is it healthy?"
I wish you the best in your situation.... because, I really do understand.
Dallas
I am new to this forum chat room thing. I do not know the rules or ettiqutee. please forgive any lapses in those areas.
