BatonRouge wrote:But it seems that I am just unable to internalize the fact that I cannot manage my own life!
How-do today BatonRouge,
I swear you are a gold mine of good for me! I really am grateful you joined us. You really and honestly can't believe how much inspiration I get from your posts. This is no lie - God as I understand Him speaks to me, it seems like almost directly, through your posts. Absolutely incredible!
Like you said, perception is everything.
Look at your posts a little closer. It sounds to me you have "admitting defeat" down pretty well. You said you know your powerless over alcohol.
But right in this post you just made, you showed me that your life is indeed unmanageable. You did the perfect first step, and you didn't even realize it!
BatonRouge wrote:I still play the victim, and how self-pity is my worst character defect."
You said you're not actively drinking. The alcohol is gone and what happens? You play the victim and feel sorry for yourself so much that you recognize it as a character defect. Can anyone else identify with that? I know full well I can! I totally understand.
Lets just plug "me" into what you just said. Whenever I "play the victim" (which has been pointed out to me even today sometimes) and/or whenever I feel sorry for myself (I've already admitted to pouting a number of times), it means that I unwittingly make a choice to let people, places, things, or circumstances "manage" the way I feel and perceive things
. In other words, my life is being managed by someone or something other than me - at least that is my "victim" thinking telling me that someone other than me is responsible for the mess I'm in.
Isn't that another way of saying "I'm not able to manage my own life"? "If it wasn't for my evil wicked sponsor - if it wasn't for my incompetent boss - if it wasn't for that POS Jeep breaking down in the midday sun in the middle of the road - well, I'd be in a much better mood today." Holy cow! Who's in charge here now that alcohol is gone? I thought it was supposed to be me. My life has all of the sudden become unmanageable.
For this alcoholic, "life" was always unmanageable. That's why I drank. Alcohol was the solution to my unmanageable life. Now agreed, it made my life even more unmanageable like it says in the Doctor's Opinion:"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance on things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."
If you look at that, it describes that "once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it", then it's all over. Everything else just becomes a plain and simple fact. My problems pile up and become "astonishingly difficult" to solve.
Now the point of this is, once I become "powerless" over alcohol, I automatically have a pile of problems that seem to fall right in my lap, that are indeed "astonishingly difficult" to solve. This "problem pile-up" of mine - ITS THERE - EVEN AFTER I STOP DRINKING! Then add on to that I haven't got a clue about how to "manage" anything in life sober in the first place - and buddy let me tell you what - I got a mess on my hands! And if I don't start working a recovery program, my piled up problems NEVER go away. Even when I work a recovery program, I been taught it's impossible to do it perfectly. I strive for progress - quickly, slowly, whatever. So that means I still have a pile, lets call it a "backlog" of problems that are difficult to resolve. My life "had become unmanageable."
The biggest part of my unmanageable life now that I've stopped drinking, are my character defects. Try this one on for size...If I didn't have character defects, my life wouldn't be unmanageable
now that alcohol is gone! If I didn't have any character defects, I could face "life on life's terms" perfectly. My life would then be manageable instead of unmanageable.
BatonRouge, if you give it a couple minutes of thought, which you now have freedom to do, I think you'll find you're fully qualified and have "both parts" of step 1 alive and well going on. At least that's what I see. Otherwise, I don't think you would have said:
BatonRouge wrote:When I started this topic I should have wrote "Sponsee problems" instead of sponsor problems
God bless you my friend, and thanks again for helping me so much.