Good morning Finally,
Thanks for letting me know that I didn't offend you. It means a lot to me, because my head tries to do a lot of talking to me, and it gets me feeling frustrated when it lingers in my mind too long.
First off... try to let go of the frustration that you're going through in the moment. Frustration can be another way of describing "restless, irritable or discontented" and when we're new in sobriety... stuff like that can send us off into emotional intoxication... which can seriously inhibit our pursuit of sobriety, happiness, peace of mind, and serenity.
I don't like to meddle into "sponsor stuff" between a guy and his sponsor... but I do feel that it's okay for me to say, that if I were you... and in your situation... I would pause what I'm doing with the 4th Step, and begin to look around in my Home Group for some old timers that I admire in the way that their lives appear to be a good example of A.A. recovery, and... they talk a lot about the 12 Steps and the Big Book. And, I would go have coffee with them and explain my problem and my confusion to them. Then, see what kind of suggestions they offer you. They may or may not be hesitant to say anything. But, I'm sure you're going to find someone who will understand... and they will be willing to help you. (The reason most of us have a desire to help others... is because we know that the only way we can get the help that we need... is to reach out and try to help another).
When I was new in A.A., I had to do exactly that myself. And, it took going to other A.A. meetings outside my home group, to find the group of guys that I felt could help me. Once I found those guys, they were able to get my head out of the spin. When I would get frustrated or experience other conflicts and problems, I could turn to them, and they always seemed to be "watching my back" and looking out for me. Most of the good guys that I found, were not the guys who would walk up to me and just start trying to give me advice and suggestions. The good guys seemed to be quiet... and they would only offer direction or suggestions if I went to them and asked them for help. If I didn't ask them... they wouldn't say much of anything other than "how's it going?".
This Internet stuff is great... I love it... and it's valuable... but, it doesn't replace the face to face value that we can get from sitting down with another alcoholic over a cup of coffee... looking each other in the eyes, and trying to help each other that way. I'll be willing to bet that there is some real good old-timer A.A. members up in your area, who have a solid foundation in A.A., members who have a lot of experience with Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps, and they will be most ready to help you.
Take some time off from what you're doing that's frustrating you... and start looking around for that group of guys or the old-timer(s) that can help you. Yes, we do "launch into a course of vigorous action" to get that 4th Step started... but we also need to remember things like: First Things First. Easy does it... but, do it. Relax and take it easy. Getting nerved up about anything... can make us thirsty.
One of the things that I identified in my own past, in regards to my own drinking patterns... was that me trying to swallow other peoples concept of God and their religion ideas ... kept me drinking long after I had become alcoholic.
On page 63, of my book... it refers to me having a new Employer (in regards to God, as I understand Him). In most every job I've ever had... the Employer furnished my tools... explained how to use the tools... and then, it was up to me, to do the work using the tools. It would have been nice to find a new Employer who would just say "the hell with the tools kid... and to hell with the work... here's your check, now go spend it and be happy while I do all your work for you!!"
A little further down on page 63, it mentions about that new Employer providing every thing I need to get the job done. For me... everything I need to get the job done... means... the 12 Steps, the Big Book (which is the instruction guide on using the tools)... my sponsor, and fellow members of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's why the book, for me, is so vital... it precisely shows me how to use the tools that God has provided.
Imagine getting a new job and a new Employer... and the Employer gives you a chain-saw to use to get your job done... a chain-saw is a great and powerful thing... and can do some wonderful and productive work in a very short time.... but, it can also be dangerously fatal... to someone who operates it without instruction. They could lose a hand, an arm, a leg, an eye, or worse! If we lose a leg... we're not going to grow a new one! And, for some of us... who are real alcoholic... if we start drinking again... it can be much worse than losing an arm or a leg or an eye!