First let me say - I am not a professional. I don't understand relationships that well. So take what I say lightly.
Let me share with you that I think I understand how you might feel. I have been married. I have watched a beautiful relationship go completely sour over a short period of time. I have slept in separate rooms with the woman I loved and cherished - then chased away with my alcoholism. I've also slept in the same bed with a former girlfriend that I still love to this day, but we didn't have a relationship in the comanionship sense. These kind of crazy things seem to happen to alcoholics. I don't know why.
Watching my marriage crumble in a way similar to what you described happened to me. I slept in a different room for several months. We no longer had physical or emotional intimacy. I was very much alone. This was the biggest heartbreak I ever experienced. Dallas said he was married once and breaking up nearly killed him. That's how it felt to me with my wife. It nearly killed me. It really REALLY was a bad heartbreak. Very bad. But it was a heartbreak that my drinking brought about.
It took a long time after I was sober to "get through" the hurt and make amends. A good long time - say 6-7 years. But the day came when I could look back and thank God that I did my very best at correcting what I did that was wrong. Today I know in the deepest part of my soul, my amends were the right things to do, and it cleaned up my side of the street as good as it can get. Today I'm relieved of that heartbreak, but there are times when it will still bring a tear.
There was a lady that I had a realtionship with, but we still remained friends after we split up. She moved in with a guy who abused her, and she had to get out of that relationship, but had no where to live. I told her my door was always open. What I didn't expect was her showing up the next day on my front porch. I gave her my room, and slept on the couch. She felt bad because she knew how much my bedroom was "my bedroom" - it was me (a part of my identity) - my place to find peace from everything - my "sanctuary" so to speak. She pretty much insisted that I sleep on my bed because she didn't feel right about just showing up and "taking over" my bedroom. So I slept in the same bed - it was a BIG king size bed - but we didn't have a "physical" relationship.
But let me tell you what (I know here - we go!
). There were mornings when I woke up and she would be snuggled against me holding my arm. Now she wore some really pretty "nighties" - Victoria Secret style - and then there were some nights when she wasn't wearing anything but a smile, and, lord have mercy! Could she ever wear those things well!
Buddy let me tell you what! I had some pretty strong feelings - I mean I still love the girl. So to wake up with her holding me on some nights without clothes, well that was something I had to come to terms with. She wanted her life without a relationship with me or anyone, and I offered her a place to stay until she could get her own life together (she wasn't drinking or using). So it stayed that way.
What a challenge! I mean there were many many nights I layed awake looking at the ceiling as she slept (boy did she ever snore!), or stare at the door of my bedroom and wondered how on earth did I ever end up in this kind of a situation. This was something I never would have planned, or set out to do. But there I was, having one hell of a desire to make love to this woman I loved before. And there was that still small voice of God deep within me making it inuitively clear what was pure and what was loving.
There's that profound alteration in my reaction to life - very very profound - see what you AA's taught me? So what I'm saying is that sleeping in the same bed with someone you once were physically intimate with is possible - if I can do it - anyone else can. It wasn' t the happiest or most comfortable time in my life, but it was my responsibility to be her friend, and not her lover, because "that hand of AA" was reaching out for help - with a bare butt in the middle of the night no less!
In my heart I knew, especially after the rough times she had, I owed her the dignity of respecting her wishes, even though I wasn't the one to hurt her or abuse her. Like it says "for that I am responsible".
She's still a friend, and she is a very good friend. While she was living with me she busted her tail cleaning up my home and doing things that made it a comfortable and beautiful place. She bought me clothes - but I never charged her rent. She "looked after me" at times reminding me to take care of myself when I'd get stupid by "burning the candle at both ends" or seeing the doctor when I needed to. And yes, I also started seeing another girl and she knew about it. But that's all part of being a friend to a girl, I suppose - even after you break up. I still call her "Angel" which was my pet name for her when we had a relationship. I guess you could say I wouldn't feel the same, or much less want to, sleep with a "friend" that was a guy in the same way. So it was "friendship" with no intimate physical relationship, but being "friends" with a girl is pertty different than being "buddies" with a guy.
But even with this girl naked in my bed and holding me on some nights, I knew I was still "alone". I let her know a couple times that I still wanted her and loved her, and she knew it of course. But somehow we managed to love each other as friends without the extra burden of a physical relationship.
Now maybe that sounds crazy, so that's why I say take what I say very lightly, and I'm no relationship expert. But I do think I know a little bit about the way you feel and what you might be going through.
I'll ditto what Dallas said - keeping sobriety first is the most important thing any alcoholic can do. Without sobriety, everything else will disappear.