Hello Deb,
Sorry for the belated congrats on your 1 year!
Congratulations!!!!
Whenever I sign on and then sign off, or my connection dies, before I read the new messages -- the different colored icons disappear and I forget to see if I read and replied to a new message.
I've experienced some of the things that you've mentioned, in a similar yet different way, but never with a 34 year relationship. So I may not be any help to you -- but, as I re-read the messages up to this point, what came to my mind was the times that I tried to "Let go and Let God."
I got mad at God a few times, because I heard other people saying "let go and let God" worked so well for them... that I thought it might be in the Big Book, if it worked so well.
I searched and searched and searched and never found it.
What I did find, in regards to "let go"... is that it's only used one time in the book, and I believe it's on the bottom of the page that Sunlight referred to above. And, it's "let go of our old ideas... absolutely"
I realize that sometimes some problems are so big and ... after we've done all that we can do to solve the problem... and we know we can't fix it anyway... we "let go" of the fight to try to change something.
One of my sons has real serious resentments towards me... because I stayed sober and stayed in A.A. He considered that as weak. He felt that I should get back into the fast lane of life and make a bunch of big time money, like I used to do when I was drinking. To him, surely... if I could stay sober this long... why do I have to stay totally abstained from alcohol? He doesn't get it. And, he spends a great deal of his energy and life trying to turn my other sons against me. You see, when I was drinking... I was the kind of dad he thought I should be... I had big fat pockets and whenever he wanted something I was the Higher Power that would buy it for him.
So, what would that have in common with your situation? Maybe lots.
When you got sober -- and you started to recover -- your husband probably felt as though he had lost what control that he did have over you and your lives. And, maybe he resents it. Maybe he's angry that A.A. and God were able to do for you -- what he was trying to do to you -- but he just couldn't get the job done. Or, maybe he's similar to some other members of other fellowships that I've met -- and, they get the idea that they are not supposed to play God, so they give that up, but hang on to the idea... that they're supposed to be the punisher of their mates sins and failures.
Love and tolerance and patience... I discovered during a particularly painful relationship -- did not mean that I was supposed to lay down and become a doormat.
I don't give relationship advice. But, I will repeat what my sponsor once said to me... "I'm not going to tell you what to do in your relationship... and if someday you're old and still hanging on to a losing proposition... and you get into your old age... and you've discovered that you've wasted what bit of life that you had left -- remember, it was your decision to stay there and get what you got."
If I had a wife that was secretly stashing and building up great sums of money... in her own name and in her secret ways... I think I would call a lawyer before I called my sponsor!
In the case with my sons... once I tried to call them again... after several attempts at making amends and making things right... and all hell broke loose with them. But, I sat and listened to it... wondering where the strength was coming from... during my shaking... that I refused to argue with them.
I was really upset and called my sponsor to tell him about it. (I should have called him first, but I didn't).
He said "You've made your amends. Now, forget about it and get on with your life. You did what you could to make amends but it wasn't good enough for them and they didn't accept your amends. They may never accept your amends. That's their business and it's no longer your business. Get on with your life and stop wasting your time thinking about it." And, I did.
The only thing that I know about God's will, is what I've discovered in our book. He wants us to be happy, joyous and free... and sober. Living the life that He has given to us to the fullest. To be of service to those about us. To be helpful to others. To not sit around with morbid thinking that creates more of our own misery. God gives us solutions to our problems -- He doesn't give us problems so that we can find a solution. Just like you wouldn't create a problem for your kids... just so they would come crying "Mommy please help me!" God doesn't do that either.
I read in our book, that I can't always be helpful to everyone. I can't always be of service to everyone. There will be some that I can't help and I can't be helpful to them. My job is to make the effort to try... and if they accept it they accept it... and if they reject it, then so be it. My job is done and I can move on.
I discovered that if I was looking to another person for security, happiness and someone to take care of me in a relationship... that it would probably, backfire on me and I would lose what I was trying to achieve through and with them. I learned that for me, I was supposed to put my trust in God... because God is the only One that never fails... the rest of us are prone to fail. Only God is perfect... none of us are perfect or ever will be perfect... because if we could be perfect... we would boot God out of His position and take over as Higher Power of the world. It ain't gonna happen!
I discovered that I was supposed to be imperfect. And, all the others were going to be just as imperfect as they are. If I can't be perfect... why do I need to get angry at me for being imperfect? And, if others can't be perfect... how can I get angry at them? For me... this has become the reality and the method to live without fear and anger... just like I read in our book. There is no instruction in our book... that tells us to do something that we can't do. Rather, it shows us... how to do what we have to do.
Sorry for the long share.
Best wishes to you.
Dallas
