Life time relationship desired

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
Posts: 606
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm

Postby sunlight » Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:15 pm

Hi Deb & happy belated one year wishes! :D :D That's a lot of days-at-a-time!

Your post reminded of "Some of us tried to hold onto our old ideas & the result was nil until we let go absolutely." pg58

I paid dearly for holding onto those old ideas & was nearly killed doing so. No drama, just fact. I wanted to prove to myself in 2 relationships that I was attractive, lovable & had value, even though the relationships were unhealthy & downright dangerous. I wanted what I wanted! Self-will run riot, even though I didn't think so.

My 2nd sponsor said "Do you REALLY think this is God's will for you?" I replied that I'd put so much time, energy & MYSELF into the relationship that I couldn't let it go. She laughed the laugh of the free & said "That's just like my lawnmower. I put so much time & money & energy into it & it simply DOESN'T WORK. So I got rid of it."

I always hear "Let go & let God" Yeah, that's great. I wish I could do that.
For me, I need God's help just to receive God's help! I also need God's help in being patient in knowing His will for me & help in carrying it out.

With practice, it begins to come naturally & I know what to do, but only if I don't get full of myself! Even then, I bounce it off my sponsor.

I'm so happy for your one year! First things first & the rest follows

Posts: 606
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm

Postby sunlight » Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:12 pm

Hi again Deb!

You have been on my mind all night cuz I have SO been where you're at.

One thing that has been helpful for me in "letting go" is to direct my focus away from the problem/person/scenario and towards the solution. This usually involves getting out of self in whatever way presents itself to me in the present moment. It ALWAYS involves action on my part.

Yesterday I had severe pain in my cheekbone,eye,teeth. Just telling myself to let go & let God solves nothing! I made an appointment with my doctor & just taking this constructive action was a relief. Sure enough - I have a sinus infection & was prescribed antibiotics.

In relationships, I always seemed to be looking over my shoulder to check on "how're we doing?" Y'know like asking "How are you feeling? What are you thinking? Where is this going?" This leaves no room to breathe or grow or be yourself & is a subtle form of control. I have strangled many a fine relationship this way. :oops:

I knew this wise AA & people were always going to him for advice. One man asked how he could get his wife back. The wise AA said, "That may never happen,but what you CAN do is develop yourself into the kind of person who she'd be delighted to be with, should she come back." (This says STEPS to me)

Makes sense, huh?

Take care of yourself & your sobriety, help others & keep that conscious contact going! We are with you in the fellowship of the spirit.

Posts: 365
Joined: Tue Nov 13, 2007 6:55 pm

Postby GeoffS » Fri Oct 31, 2008 12:04 am

debvan wrote:I am hoping my husband notices this and realizes how postive the effect of being sober is. I want him to be happy with me. Then we can help each other with our fears that have brought us to where we are now.

Did you send him the memo? Does he know the part he's supposed to play in all this? Might there be a little playing/thinking god here?

You need to accept his right/need /reason to behave the way he does. You cannot change him, only yourself. Give him time to see you being sober consistently (you've only been sober for a year- good on you for that btw!-).

You need to show him patience tolerance and love, no matter what.

Present him with your truth consistently, that is your honest actions through sobriety and what happens with him will happen and be exactly what should happen.

If your own motives and actions are honest and you will get whatever god has waiting for you. If you are trying to work things towards a position or situation you think is right, from my experience in my life it rarely works out and is often painfull to try that.

Great to hear from you, and hear you are still travelling well...

Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Mar 23, 2008 2:14 am

Postby debvan » Sat Nov 01, 2008 11:16 am

Thanks Sunlight and Geoffs for your responses, you all always give alot to think about.

I have wondered many times if I have thinked, thinked, and thinked this into overkill. I always come back to my Higher Power---God. Let go and let God. And it will happen in his time. Hard for me to wait! I am like you Sunlight, I need HIS help in being patient and waiting.

It was a wonderful evening at the meeting when I received my 1 year. That was where I gave all the honors to everyone else. Several said do not ever forget about you. It took you listening to God, making phone calls, reading the BB to stay sober...............I try to remember that.

So when things are not just right, wherever, I say the serenty prayer, I call upon God for help and make those phone calls. Those all do really help. And home that evening was the pits. No matter how hard one tries to be kind and considerate it does hurt when you are not given the same.

Geoffs, tolerance was a topic a meeting not long ago. It was also the topic of the Daily Reflection. It was a super meeting. Tolerance and Patience are to seperate animals. I trying to be patient and love him 24-7 but my tolerance level will wane.

Just certain remarks, actions............................I know as you said I need to accept those behaviors. I have been told at meetings that my past as earned me those. He just did not make up his feelings or comments out of the blue. Oops.

I have gone on enough. I am talking from my shirt sleeve right now but only temporarily. First of all I need to be honest with ME and honest with him. I believe God already knows!

Thanks again.


Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Postby Dallas » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:53 am

Hello Deb,
Sorry for the belated congrats on your 1 year!

Whenever I sign on and then sign off, or my connection dies, before I read the new messages -- the different colored icons disappear and I forget to see if I read and replied to a new message.

I've experienced some of the things that you've mentioned, in a similar yet different way, but never with a 34 year relationship. So I may not be any help to you -- but, as I re-read the messages up to this point, what came to my mind was the times that I tried to "Let go and Let God."

I got mad at God a few times, because I heard other people saying "let go and let God" worked so well for them... that I thought it might be in the Big Book, if it worked so well.

I searched and searched and searched and never found it.

What I did find, in regards to "let go"... is that it's only used one time in the book, and I believe it's on the bottom of the page that Sunlight referred to above. And, it's "let go of our old ideas... absolutely"

I realize that sometimes some problems are so big and ... after we've done all that we can do to solve the problem... and we know we can't fix it anyway... we "let go" of the fight to try to change something.

One of my sons has real serious resentments towards me... because I stayed sober and stayed in A.A. He considered that as weak. He felt that I should get back into the fast lane of life and make a bunch of big time money, like I used to do when I was drinking. To him, surely... if I could stay sober this long... why do I have to stay totally abstained from alcohol? He doesn't get it. And, he spends a great deal of his energy and life trying to turn my other sons against me. You see, when I was drinking... I was the kind of dad he thought I should be... I had big fat pockets and whenever he wanted something I was the Higher Power that would buy it for him.

So, what would that have in common with your situation? Maybe lots.

When you got sober -- and you started to recover -- your husband probably felt as though he had lost what control that he did have over you and your lives. And, maybe he resents it. Maybe he's angry that A.A. and God were able to do for you -- what he was trying to do to you -- but he just couldn't get the job done. Or, maybe he's similar to some other members of other fellowships that I've met -- and, they get the idea that they are not supposed to play God, so they give that up, but hang on to the idea... that they're supposed to be the punisher of their mates sins and failures.

Love and tolerance and patience... I discovered during a particularly painful relationship -- did not mean that I was supposed to lay down and become a doormat.

I don't give relationship advice. But, I will repeat what my sponsor once said to me... "I'm not going to tell you what to do in your relationship... and if someday you're old and still hanging on to a losing proposition... and you get into your old age... and you've discovered that you've wasted what bit of life that you had left -- remember, it was your decision to stay there and get what you got."

If I had a wife that was secretly stashing and building up great sums of money... in her own name and in her secret ways... I think I would call a lawyer before I called my sponsor!

In the case with my sons... once I tried to call them again... after several attempts at making amends and making things right... and all hell broke loose with them. But, I sat and listened to it... wondering where the strength was coming from... during my shaking... that I refused to argue with them.

I was really upset and called my sponsor to tell him about it. (I should have called him first, but I didn't).

He said "You've made your amends. Now, forget about it and get on with your life. You did what you could to make amends but it wasn't good enough for them and they didn't accept your amends. They may never accept your amends. That's their business and it's no longer your business. Get on with your life and stop wasting your time thinking about it." And, I did.

The only thing that I know about God's will, is what I've discovered in our book. He wants us to be happy, joyous and free... and sober. Living the life that He has given to us to the fullest. To be of service to those about us. To be helpful to others. To not sit around with morbid thinking that creates more of our own misery. God gives us solutions to our problems -- He doesn't give us problems so that we can find a solution. Just like you wouldn't create a problem for your kids... just so they would come crying "Mommy please help me!" God doesn't do that either.

I read in our book, that I can't always be helpful to everyone. I can't always be of service to everyone. There will be some that I can't help and I can't be helpful to them. My job is to make the effort to try... and if they accept it they accept it... and if they reject it, then so be it. My job is done and I can move on.

I discovered that if I was looking to another person for security, happiness and someone to take care of me in a relationship... that it would probably, backfire on me and I would lose what I was trying to achieve through and with them. I learned that for me, I was supposed to put my trust in God... because God is the only One that never fails... the rest of us are prone to fail. Only God is perfect... none of us are perfect or ever will be perfect... because if we could be perfect... we would boot God out of His position and take over as Higher Power of the world. It ain't gonna happen! :wink:

I discovered that I was supposed to be imperfect. And, all the others were going to be just as imperfect as they are. If I can't be perfect... why do I need to get angry at me for being imperfect? And, if others can't be perfect... how can I get angry at them? For me... this has become the reality and the method to live without fear and anger... just like I read in our book. There is no instruction in our book... that tells us to do something that we can't do. Rather, it shows us... how to do what we have to do.

Sorry for the long share.

Best wishes to you.


garden variety
Posts: 750
Joined: Fri Aug 04, 2006 7:39 pm

Postby garden variety » Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:22 am

Hi again Debvan,

Congrats on your first year!

What a hard spot to be in. It would be hard for me to be in your shoes and "tolerate" a loved one's reactions hoping and praying for the best like you're doing. You already have so much "invested" in the 34 years of your relationship.

For me, the thought of "losing" something that precious and dear to me would be devastating. I get upset when I lose my candle-lighter, for crying out loud! I totally understand how you can "think into overkill". God bless you my friend - I understand a little bit about where you're coming from.

I think I know what you mean by those "little" remarks and actions - or lack of actions. Like those times when you're maybe "anticipating" a phone call from your lover maybe in the middle of the day to just chat, or a smile that says "I'm happy to see you" when you walk in the door. It hurts bad when those things seem to vanish into thin air. Then there's nothing but an eerie "quiet" spot that wasn't ever there before. Then comes the "thinking", then comes "afraid", then comes more "thinking", and suddlenly you're an emotional mess. From hopeful and giddy to "this thing is over" within a couple seconds. I think I know what you're saying.

This is hard - it has to be. Your feelings are plenty normal. I wish there was something I could give you other than "I don't know".

Your fella sounds like he is at a crossroads. It sound's like he's in the process of making up his mind. It's a heavy situation for you because the remainder of your life together is now a question mark. The outcome, pretty much, is in his hands and not yours. I know what it's like to have to rely on another human being when it involves a "life decision". To "think" and NOT FEEL IS IMPOSSIBLE. My heart goes out to you Deb.

When I've been in a "relationship" situation that has a big question mark right in front of me, my sponsor told me something that helps me a lot. I haven't seen it posted here yet. I'll pass it on to you.

INVENTORY. It might be a thoughtful thing to look at the "good side" and the "not so good" side of things in your relationship. I mean a written inventory like step 4. It always helps me. It also shows me which things I contributed to, both good and bad, and those things I had no control over. I'm usually relieved to find out that I really did do at least a few things right. Everything "wrong" is not totally because of me. It also lets me see things I did wrong and what I did to try to make amends. If there's anything missing that I haven't made amends about, then it sticks out like a sore thumb. An inventory can show that I have more actions to take that might bring about a better outcome, or if I've done as much as I could. That tool of "reflection" in this simple kit of spiritual tools has always helped me - maybe it can help you too.

Site Admin
Posts: 4830
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm

Postby Dallas » Thu Nov 06, 2008 6:38 pm

All the roses that I've discovered in my life --
had thorns.


Return to “Relationships in Recovery”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests