- Loved one who is sick, but also drinking

Loved one who is sick, but also drinking




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

Postby garden variety » Thu Nov 13, 2008 4:43 pm

sunlight wrote:There was a man who would cross the border to another country every day on his bicycle. The border patrol would stop him & search the bicycle, but would never find anything.
This went on for years, until the border patrol finally said to the man on the bike, "I know you're smuggling something but I just can't figure out what the heck it is. I promise I'll let you pass if you'll just tell me what on earth you are smuggling."
The man grinned & said, "Bicycles!"


Oh now that is BEAUTIFUL. Just BEAUTIFUL!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

You are thee "card" my friend. You really make sobriety look attractive to me. I said it before - I want what you have and am willing to go to any length to ge it!

Thanks for brightening my day!
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Postby Dallas » Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:42 am

Sunlight wrote:I would like spiritual experiences to be more of the laying on the beach variety!


GardenVariety wrote:So there IS "laying on the beach" type of spritual experiences?



Yes! There are Laying on the Beach types of spiritual experiences!!!

I hope that you'll enjoy many of them, soon.

Dallas
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Postby Jools » Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:05 am

Wow, I'm flabbergasted by the love and support I receive from you wonderful people. Thank you so very much for sharing your experience, strength and hope with me, I don't take it lightly and often write down things you share with me so I may apply them to my new life. :)

I definitely wrote down...

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

and this bit....
I started looking at my sobriety and recovery as a "relationship". I wasn't on a "plateau" like you mentioned, but I knew if I started looking at recovery and sobriety as a relationship, I knew there was always something I can do to make it better and more fun and more fulfilling. That "relationship" was there all along, but I never saw it that way until I started LOOKING for it.


Thank you Paul and Dallas. :)

I know all about the fence, Paul. I explain mine as a brick wall. I'm slowly removing the bricks to allow myself to trust others and I'm peeking out ready to grasp this sober life so I can be comfortable in my own skin and useful to God. I'm starving for the change that you people talk about.

Sunlight, your name suits you so much. You bring such brightness and hope to this alkie. I'm lookin' under my noze girl!

Ok, now...back to what orginated this post. How is your friend doing today, Paul? And how are YOU doing?

Hugs,
Julie
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Postby garden variety » Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:30 pm

Hi.

Thanks for caring and asking about her. I called her this morning and she's doing pretty good. She says she's not hurting anywhere, so that's a good thing.

As for me I wish I could tell you I've never been happier and the "Big Book" promises are in full and beautiful bloom. But that would be a lie. I'm the best Paul M. today that ever lived - thank goodness there's no competition today!

It's been hard for me to stop crying today, and I'm at work. No sugar coating here - no profound insights. It feels like my heart is being ripped out by its roots, but there's also a part of me inside that won't let go. I've had "heartbreaks" and "heartaches" in my day, and I've given away a few of those - but I've never known this kind of hurt - and I mean NEVER EVER. 50 years of living, and this is something new.

Another thing that is peculiar is that I can see, consciously, I don't know the "man inside" as good as I thought I did. It's like him and "God" have this thing going on, making preparations, doing things and turning on a dime, and I don't have a clue what's going on but it's me doing it. It's probably best that way anyhow. I just throw my hands up and think loudly, "You're the Director!" - I'm just giving Him the use of my arms and legs, or anything else "they" need. So that's where step 3 has taken me today.

I do know one other thing - without a doubt - I'm being blessed. It sure looks and feels like the opposite, but I'm so sure I'm being blessed that I'd stake my life on it.

But I'm not the one who is feeling the real pain - the kind of pain that makes you weak in the knees and takes your breath away. The kind of pain that won't let you take a bite of your sandwich. The kind of pain that you never felt before that makes you afraid of what's going to happen next inside your body. If you pray for me - then say 3 times as many for her. She needs so much more.

Thanks for your love - all of you.
God bless,
Paul

PS - I LOVE SOBRIETY! Especially today!
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Postby Jools » Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:38 pm

*handing you a box of tissues* and givin' you a big ole hug..........

(((((((((((((((Paul))))))))))))))))))

You're going through all of this emotional pain and turmoil and not once have you mentioned that you've thought about a drink. That in itself is a blessing.

Love ya kiddo
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Postby Dallas » Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:11 pm

Be careful...

As alcoholics... we drank because of feelings.
And, feelings can lead us back to drinking.

God doesn't test us by putting us in dangerous places. He knows that we can do that well -- all by ourselves.

God doesn't create our misery or problems -- that's another area... that God leaves to us... because we're experts in that area. :wink:

Also Julie...

Why not post those thoughts above in the "Quotes" section... where they will be easy to find, read and refer to. They are good and appropriate here in this topic... but, they could have double impact by being in the Quotes section, too! Good stuff! Keep it coming!

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Postby garden variety » Fri Nov 14, 2008 5:00 pm

Dallas wrote:God doesn't test us by putting us in dangerous places.


You bring up a point that I love to argue about. This whole idea of "tests" and that somehow a "schoolmaster" type of "God" is giving them out to His students is preposterous to me. It really rubs me the wrong way - the problem I noticed is that some of this "testing" discussion does end up in the widely read 24-hour book. In my opinion writings like that are, like Dallas one time exclaimed, "dangerously close to spiritual theory". Talk about "be careful" - I tell you what!

I heard a lady say this about the God of her understanding:

"My God doesn't test me. He helps me through the tests."

To that I said AMEN!

I won't write a book about "feelings". Sometimes my feelings are right on the money. Sometimes my feelings are just that, "feelings" and nothing else. Sometimes my feelings are 100% wrong. So what I have to do is never totally rely on my feelings - especially when my emotions are running hot.

Ere-go the program. I don't have to rely on my feelings because there is a tool that fits any situation when there is a danger of me "reacting" based on my emotionally-charged feelings. It comes from the 5th step, and I call it the tool and spiritual principle of "Accountability". I have a fellowship and support group of fellow human beings that are there to help me when I'm overcome or overwhelmed by feelings or emotions, such as I was this morning. I have also been accountable to a number of folks in this forum at different times. Shame on me if I don't use that tool. I could, like Dallas said, end up dead.

The other thing that helps me to not totally rely on my feelings is the "Great Fact". That's why it's called a "Great Fact" - it is not a "Great piece of fiction", it is not a "Great Idea", it is not a "Great Theory", or "Great fad", or "Great impulse". It is a fact that doesn't need any further support or contradiction from my feelings. It is a fact that no longer needs to be disputed. For me, its a Great Fact because it has been around since the beginning of time.

The Great Fact says that if I make it my personal business to use all the earnestness at my command to make sure my relationship with a God of my understanding is at its best, then very big and powerfully good situations will "come to pass" for countless people including me (see the "Great Fact" on page 164). Well that Great Fact gives me a whole lot of comfort when my feelings are making me cry like today. It also motivates me to always be working on that relationship.

So in a nutshell, I have two relationships that come before ANY other relatinship including the one I've shared about with a former girlfriend I still love who is sick with a serious physical illness and also has not stopped drinking for all time.

1. My relationship with a God of my understanding
2. My relationship with my sobriety and recovery

I also won't mince words here either. Dallas is 100% correct in giving the warning to be extremely careful in my dealings with this lady-friend, and I know he gives that warning because he loves me and everyone else that is alcoholic here. I would never suggest to anyone with the problem of alcoholism to get involved in situations like this because it can be a risk to sobriety. Am I operating on self-will? Am I taking an unecessary chance? Am I threatening my own sobriety? I can't answer any of those questions because I just don't know. But there is One who does know, and I came to believe I found Him today. Anything other than that, time will tell.
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Postby Dallas » Fri Nov 14, 2008 7:21 pm

In my old life, I operated from a calculation that equaled feelings over intellect.

Emotions
--
Intellect


Now, in my new life, I strive to operate with I over E (Intellect over my Emotions.

So far... it's been working out pretty good that way -- when I keep working it that way! :wink:

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Postby Susan » Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:43 am

Great comments! We live in this world as it is not as we would have it.
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Postby garden variety » Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:35 am

Susan wrote:We live in this world as it is not as we would have it.


Susan - thanks for understanding. That is about the most simple but profound comment I've heard, and it helps a lot. You speak the same language as my sponsor. I think I remember the experience you had with one of your girls at the hospital. What a gift it is to get mercy - but I think you already know what a treasure it is to have mercy (although sometimes it hurts) - especially when everything looks like you should do the opposite.

God bless always.
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