- On the Other Side of the Fence

On the Other Side of the Fence




Topics and discussions related to being single and or dating while in recovery

On the Other Side of the Fence

Postby Starting Over » Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:18 pm

I want to thank you guys (and girls) for all of your posts so far on relationships. After peeking at a few of the previous posts, I think you may understand my questions & be able to point me in the right direction?

I have been dating a guy for a while who really works his AA program (13+ years). I am not an alcoholic and prior to this relationship had never participated with AA in any way.

There are several...behaviors....I've encountered with him, that I've never experienced before, and it made both of us curious if it was unique to him or to AA's everywhere.

I'm trying to learn as much as I can about the AA program & philosophy. I think to be supportive of something that is so central in his life, I would need to understand how it works, what it entails, etc. I've also attended alanon.....not sure what I think of that yet.

I guess my question is...are there certain things you fear in a relationship? How does that make you act/react.

We've gone through the "yo-yo" a few times....things start going really really good, and then he RUNS! Each incident has been a little lower key as we've progressed, but I wonder if it will ever really END, and I wonder if that indicates a fear of commitment that will never, ever be overcome.

I'm not sure what makes this man so special to me, and I certainly can't explain my patience with him -- it's this very strange feeling of peace and patience that I get (from my HP?) when dealing with him. Like, I know (on a deeper level) that I just need to move very slowly and surely with him (like a domestic cat who was once wild...they seem to stay a little skittish of loud noises or quick movements).

So far, things are great, and I'm not asking for advice on how to manipulate him, but I am asking for advice from you guys who have been through what he's been through. I know there is no guarantee that the thought processes are the same, but they may be. I have been granted the Grace to instinctively know when to retreat, when to push and when to just be still with him, but I don't always understand what is going on in his head. (I know I could just ask, and sometimes I do, and he explains as best he can, but I always appreciate alternative input.)

I know I am asking a lot from you guys. I am open to any input...whether it be common fears, things I can do on my end to understand him, to understand me, to strengthen our relationship....pretty much anything. I would hate to unintentionally do some big, bad taboo action.
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Postby Dallas » Tue Nov 15, 2005 11:22 pm

Hey Starting Over!

Welcome to the forum.

First, I hope that you’ll keep in mind, that anything you read here... is not “Official AAâ€
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Postby Starting Over » Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:53 am

:oops: thought that might be the answer I got. I tried to be very general as I was trying to see if there were general traits, not looking for official AA answers.

I do have a copy of the big book & have read parts of it...guess I know what just went to the top of my reading list.

Thanks for the suggestion of attending open speaker meetings. There are so many different types of meetings, I'm never really sure of what I'm walking into.

I have been attending Al anon & some AA meetings, but not long enough to know anything yet.

I'm sorry I opened a can of worms not allowed here. I know ACoA has a "laundry list"....I didn't know if AA had something similar when it came to relationships AFTER sobriety.
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Postby Dallas » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:49 am

Hey Starting Over!

Good to hear from you again.

The only bad questions... are the questions that don't get asked. Questions, are always welcome. You did just fine in asking the question.

I always kind of figure that if a question opens a can of worms... the can belongs to someone else. And, if someone is not asking questions... I know, that I... may forget what the answer is!

With alcoholics, drinking or sober... it's sometimes too easy to start thinking in terms of "one size fits all."

It would be similar to saying that all diabetics, or most diabetics, have a particular laundry list and someone who has allergies to bee stings have another list.

As alcoholics, there are some things that we do share in common.... and one of those is our reaction to alcohol. There are some personality traits that's shared by many, but not all. I find that it's always a good idea for me, to not judge one alcoholic by another one.... just like I wouldn't try to judge one non-drinker by another non-drinker. Or, even trying to figure out if all doctors are the same... when it comes to fear, for example.

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singles in recovery

Postby samantha » Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:50 am

I'm going to Al-Anon meetings myself....I'm been married four times, :!: :!: so i can't give you any adivce on relationships. :oops:

give Al-Anon a try, it's working for me.... just keep coming back :D
xoxoSam
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Postby Rusty Zipper » Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:13 am

after read'n these posts, i just have to stick my 3 cents in. in Big Book, theres a storycalled The Man Who Conquered Fear! 1 cent...unconditional love! 2 cent's ... communication! my 3rd cent ... all good wishes Starting Over. xo The Zip :wink:
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Postby Dallas » Sat Nov 19, 2005 5:38 am

Careful Zip!!! Dividing up the 3 cents like that could end up rocketing you into the 4th Scent!!! You too funny!!! Glad you're that way. You keep me laughing. I guess "humor" could make it a nickel!

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Postby Angel » Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:26 am

Like Samantha, I can't give any advise on relationships, because I've been married many times and have had alot of bad relationship, I'm married now to a man who has 25yrs. in the program and it can get pretty hairy sometimes..right now were doing great (been married for 3 1/2 yrs.) I agree with Sam .. Al-Anon..best place for you..thanks for sharing..By the way ..Rusty you sure do have a way with words.. :lol:
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