I have worked the steps twice & am currently on my third time.
I always seem to get bogged down at step 10.
The first time I just figured my sponsor didn't know how to do 10 or she'd never done it. What do sponsor's know?
The 2nd time my life was in such turmoil I just did the best I could & when we were done my sponsor said she doesn't keep in contact with sponsees. So much for that.
But now, to feel bogged down again at 10 with an amazing sponsor & some clarity, had me puzzled. I talked to my sponsor & said that in my nightly inventory I have trouble seeing where I've been selfish. She said maybe I'm not selfish every day. OK, it's possible. I'm still stuck tho.
I was taught that if you're having trouble with a step to go back to the previous step.
Did I miss an amends?
On my 1st 4th step was my 1st love, & I saw my part & there was relief. But did I owe him an amends? No way! I'd found out he was engaged to someone else while he was with me.
Still, throughout the years I wondered. That should have been a clue
When my mom passed away in March I went to NY & he was there at the wake. We exchanged e-mail addresses & have been chit chatting now & then. I noticed a sharpness to the words. Did I owe an amends?
So I'm sitting flat as a pancake on that 10th step & know that something isn't right. Hard to explain - just not that growth & momentum of the other steps. I took Dallas's ACTION call to heart & have enrolled for training to bring meetings & sponsorship to the women's prison, so I'm not resting on those laurels.
Two days ago I get an e-mail from him. There's hurt in the words. GOOD MORNING SUNLIGHT - YOU OWE AN AMENDS!
I whip the e-mail out: "I harmed you, I'm sorry, what can I do?" (details deleted)
Response: "It was years ago, it's ok, no worries. But I owe YOU an amends as well. How can I make it right?"
And I replied: "Love your wife. Pay attention to her. Buy her candy & flowers. Tell her she's beautiful & that you appreciate her..."
I hit that send button & the rocket took off for the 4th dimension. I cried to think what I had wrote. I wished for her everything I wanted for myself & I meant it!
I'm not sure what happened here, but I feel like the Grinch whose heart was 3 sizes too small. Or like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning.
Last night my 10th step sparkled!
I still break out in tears & I don't know what that's about, but I think it's growing pains.
I'm here today to say - DON'T QUIT THE WORK!
More IS revealed when I'm ready& paying attention! It's such an amazing journey.
Just needed to share . Thank you.