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Sponsor Hunting




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Sponsor Hunting

Postby Jim A. » Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:10 pm

Here's a question you may not run into every week. I'd appreciate any and all feedback.

I've been sober for 22 years. I still go to a couple of meetings every week. I haven't had a sponsor since I was five years sober, and haven't felt the need of one. But some recent developments in my life have got me feeling that I would like to have someone to talk to on a regular basis, and finding a sponsor is an obvious way to do that.

I'm starting to look around, but finding a likely candidate is likely to prove tricky.

I'm an atheist. I don't really need or want a sponsor who engages in God-talk, or has a God-centered program. I have one good friend who is also an atheist and has slightly more time than I do, but he's not someone I feel comfortable talking with about emotional issues. I trust him, but his personal style is ... well, he's an engineer, let's let it go at that.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? How did it work?

Thanks!

~Jim A.
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Postby Dallas » Tue Sep 30, 2008 3:16 am

Hello Jim,

Welcome to the site and to the forum. Glad you're here.

I had a similar problem, or experience, if you'd rather not refer to it as a problem. And, eventually, I changed my mind.

I don't talk to my sponsor about God. And, he doesn't talk to me about God. We don't talk with each other about spiritual things. We talk about the actions that I need to take and I inform him of any problems that I experience. If I need his help with guidance and direction about how to deal with my problem, he's always there for me. That works out well for both of us. When I need to know something about God -- I ask God, not my sponsor.

Good luck on your sponsor search. I wish you the best.

Dallas B.
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Sponsor

Postby sunlight » Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:26 pm

Hi Jim,
Were you looking for a sponsor to work the steps or do you just need someone to talk to?

Are engineers not able to talk about emotional issues? Does someone's style prevent him from being a good sponsor? :?

I think,if you know someone you can trust,ask him to be your sponsor & if it isn't right,ask HIM to recommend someone.

I've asked more questions than given answers because today I am Clueless in Colorado
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Finding A Sponsor

Postby sober14 » Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:55 am

Hi my name is Sarah and i've been sober for 14 months now my first time in A.A.when i first came to A.A. i went to a meeting and grabbed a sponsor who had 23 of sobriety and she helped me through my first 90 days and is still a friend today just not the sponsor for me..then after that I ran into an old friend i used to drink with many years ago and she also had good sobriety and 10 years sober it did'nt work out she had health and personal issues which kept her from sponsoring me were still good friends today and she helped me through my first 4 steps and i now i really feel i need a good sponsor to help me.I would like to honestly go through all the steps again i do a thorough 10 th everyday and have a trusted higher power and go to meetings regularly..I trust in A.A. my life has never been better..i have faith and hope and stay plugged in but i feel i really should find a sponsor..Any advice or suggestions????I take my sobriety very seriously and live the program everyday,but definetly feel i need a sponsor to thoroughly continue to go through the rest of the steps and for guidance...what should i do what should i look for ??????i'd appreciate any feedback...thanks!
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Postby Dallas » Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:10 am

Hey Sarah!!! Welcome to the site! Great to hear from you!

It was great reading about your experience. It shows that it is possible to take sobriety serious and to live and work a great program -- even, if sponsor-less. I don't mean that as a suggestion or recommendation... to be sponsor-less.

I've discovered, that when an AA takes their program and sobriety and their AA serious... it's not easy to find a compatible and qualified sponsor. It can be done. I've read and heard and met some great AA's that are from the Philadelphia area.

If you're interested, I can provide you with the contact info for a lady up near you, if you'd like to check her out.

Best wishes and happy-hunting!

Dallas B.
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Hey dallas:)

Postby sober14 » Fri Feb 13, 2009 7:44 am

Thanks for the reply..and yes i take my recovery very seriously i cant imagine reliving the insanity and hopelessness again!for me or my family...and i agree it's hard to find a sponor that i can be compatible with not that im judging or character assasinating anyone but for me if i see someone not living the program outside the room then their just not the sponsor for me..im learning to live a sober and honest life and cant honestly take suggestions from anyone who cant live the same way!again i remain friends with the 2 woaen i had sponsor me but i do need to find one and absoultely i would love to have the contact info for someone near me thank you Dallas:)Have a great day...
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Postby garden variety » Fri Feb 13, 2009 4:56 pm

Hi Sarah,

Glad you could join us. I saw your posts about your adventures in sponsorship. I know from around here that women have trouble finding women sponsors. There's a lot of "gobbledy-gook" non-AA stuff that gets thrown into a 12-step recovery program. I especially see that more often with the girls, but I also see it with the guys, too.

Now I read that you have a family. And you also said you're looking for a "compatible sponsor". Then you said you can't "honestly take suggestions" from someone who isn't living the same way. I'm not sure what you're looking for, but I want to relate something from my life.

I have quite a few friends, both in and out of the rooms. I have a couple friends that I classify as my "best friends". I know I can count on either one of them to help me if I ever needed anything. I can also count on them to pick out things I'm doing that aren't right. One is a friend in the fellowship who is my running buddy. The other one is a friend who is a manager in the building where I work.

I can count on my best buddy in the fellowship for help with sobriety according to the book. Believe it or not, my other best buddy helps more then you'd imagine, and I mean really more than you can possibly imagine, when I have things I need to talk about that involve my lady-friend. Yet this guy has never met her, and he is a gay man.

I hate to say this out loud, but I will for the sake of someone. That fella caught me flirting with a girl at lunchtime. He waited until the time was right. I could see the look in his eye and the way he walked that he was gonna tell me something I didn't want to hear. He did. He said I thought you and your lady-friend have a good relationship? He knew because I talk about her the way I do. I just looked down. He didn't have to say anything else. But he did through his teeth "Stop it!"

Now I'm not gay, but we both can talk loads of trash about "relationships" in the lunch room - I mean in a teasing joking way. Neither one of us are "compatible". Neither one of us lives our realtionships in anything near the same way. Yet that man called me on something I needed to be called upon. He told me if I'm happy with my girl, stop flirting so much. And he was 100% right, and I so much appreciate his friendship for those times when he's "got me covered".

I do the same thing for him, and that might sound crazy. Just the other day he was complaining about a potential date he was interested in (a guy younger than him). I told him to spend a few bucks to get his hair done better and put on some nicer clothes when he comes to work (his job is more of a manual labor job but with public contact). He looked at me puzzled at first because he thought I was joking. I said you know I'm being serious. He looks at his pants that are frazzled at the bottoms and the words come out: "You're right".

So what I'm saying is that in AA, there are LOADS of "issues" that folks may be incompatible with. And folks might be living a totally different type of life, too. But if "Eddy" and me can have a constructive friendship as different as we are, then as long as man or woman will mentor a new man or woman by the book called "Alcoholics Anonymous", there isn't very much else that matters about a sponsor.

It is the illness of alcoholism that we all have in common, but I been finding that human beings have more in common with other human beings than we sometimes make ourselves believe.

I wish you the best in finding your sponsor and keep coming back.
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Postby Dallas » Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:40 am

Hi Sarah, and thanks for your post! (And, for coming back! We need and want you here with us!!!)

Sarah wrote:for me if i see someone not living the program outside the room then their just not the sponsor for me..im learning to live a sober and honest life and cant honestly take suggestions from anyone who cant live the same way!


When I was new in AA, and didn't know what the heck a sponsor was for... or how to be sponsored, or how to pick a sponsor... Some AA Oldtimers that saved my life gave me their Golden Rule in Picking A Sponsor:

They said... don't just listen to the guy in the meeting. If you think you might want to pick him for a sponsor -- go home with him first. Do it a few times. Take note of how he treats his family, his wife, his dog and cats.... Go shopping with him -- and see how he treats the store clerks. Go out to eat with him, and see how he treats the wait-staff and strangers -- outside of AA. Check him out thoroughly and find out if he lives the program that he talks about in the rooms... BEFORE you ask him to be your sponsor. They said "After all, you want someone that can pass on to you what has worked for them -- that gave them the kind of good life that you'd like to live and to achieve for yourself."

For me -- that was great advice -- and I still pass on those suggestions to newcomers (or, anyone... including Old-timers) that are looking for sponsors.

It looks as though you're already following that Golden Rule of Picking A Sponsor -- that was passed on to me -- many years ago. It worked for me. And, I'm sure that it will end up working for you, too!

Best wishes!

Dallas
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Re: Sponsor

Postby DiggerinVA » Wed Mar 25, 2009 5:48 am

[quote="sunlight"]Hi Jim,


Are engineers not able to talk about emotional issues?



/quote]

Engineers and emotional are oxymoron's ;-)
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Postby Dallas » Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:57 pm

Especially if the Emotions have been Engineered. :lol: :lol:
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