- MOVING ON WITH OUT THEM

MOVING ON WITH OUT THEM




A discussion of topics related to relationships in recovery and treatment

MOVING ON WITH OUT THEM

Postby ROBERT » Wed Feb 25, 2009 12:12 am

HI GUYS--YA KNOW I GOT A LETTER FROM MY 23 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER,SAVANNAH THAT WAS A SHOCK--FOR 10 YEARS I HAVE BEEN OUT OF HER LIFE--MY 1ST 4 YRS. OF ATTEMPTED SOBRIETY BROUGHT HER AND I CLOSE--SHE WAS GETTING TO KNOW ME--SOBER. I PICKED BACK UP AND HER MOM WENT TO COURT AND SECURED AN INJUCTION SO I COULD NOT SEE SAVANNAH--I GOT BAD PRETTY QUICK --AND I LEFT THE STATE--SAVANNAH HAD NEVER SEEN ME DRUNK.TEN YEARS PASS BEFORE I GET BACK TO A.A. AND GET SOBER, THIS TIME THRU THE STEPS. WHEN I WAS SURE I WAS ON SOLID GROUND AND MY SPONSER AGREED I WROTE SAVANNAH--SHE RESPONDED!! I DID NOT MAKE ANY PROMISES - JUST SHARED WHAT I WAS ATTEMPTING TO DO,WE WROTE BACK AND FORTH. HER HURT,HER ANGER,HER CONFUSION--WERE ALL CLEAR IN THE LETTERS-I WAS SCARED-I FELT RESPONSIBLE,I FELT REMORSE,THIS WAS A DELICATE SITUATION-FOR BOTH OF US--I REALLY BEAT MY SELF UP AND MY FABULOUS SPONSER WAS GREAT--HE HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE W/HIS DAUGHTER--I WORKED ON ME-AND WE WROTE --I WAS IN ANOTHER STATE-THERE WERE NEVER ANY PROMISES MADE BY EITHER ONE OF US--BUT THE LETTERS CONTINUED--16 MOS. LATER I DECIDE TO MOVE BACK TO MY HOME TOWN AND SAVANNAH WROTE "LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU MOVE TO IN CASE I WANT TO WRITE" I GET BACK , SEND A CARD --SHE SENT IT BACK! AT FIRST I THOUGHT THER COULD HAVE BEEN A GOOF UP IN THE MAIL,I SENT ANOTHER --IT CAME BACK! WELL I DECIDED TO LET THINGS ALONE STEPS 1-2&3,.RECENTLY I GOT A CERTIFIED LETTER,AND SAVANNAH WAS BRUTAL--LEAVE ME ALONE-YOU SCREWED UP BIG TIME--I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU!!! OUCH-THE SAD,TRAGIC,REALITY OF IT ALL--THEN TODAY A POLICE OFFICER CALLED SAYING SAVANNAH CALLED THEM TO SIGN A COMPLAINT,SAYING I HAD CAME TO HER JOB,WELL THE OFFICER WOULD NOT LET HER SIGN ONE,SHE SAID SAVANNAH SEEMED VERY IRRATIONAL,I TOLD HER I HAD NOT WENT TO HER JOB AND SHARED THE LETTER WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS TO LEAVE HER ALONE--I SAID I'M MOVING ON W/MY LIFE AND THER IS NOTHING I CAN DO FOR SAVANNAH,BUT PRAY--THIS DISEASE SUCKS WHEN THESE TYPE OF THINGS HAPPEN--WE HURT THE PEOPLE CLOSE TO US --I NEVER WANTED TO HURT HER BUT I DID CHOOSE DRUGS /ALCOHOL OVER SAVANNAH,WHEN I WAS INSANE--SO THIS IS A TIME WHERE I GET TO SEE THE POWER OF THIS PROGRAM--TO BE ABLE TO MATCH SERENITY W/CALAMITY-I DO HOPE FOR US-BUT WHAT EVER SAVANNAH WANTS IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT.HOPEFULLY SHE CAN WORK THRU THIS SO SHE IS NOT IN PAIN--EVEN THAT IS NOT UP TO ME--STEP 3 ALL THE WAY--I'M GLAD THAT THIS SITE IS HERE---TO SHARE THIS STUFF SO MAYBE OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES..GOD BLESS..ROBERT
Last edited by ROBERT on Sun Jul 19, 2009 12:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Jools » Wed Feb 25, 2009 8:47 am

Good morning Robert,

I am sorry to hear about your daughter. My father is an active alcoholic and he is one sick puppy. I haven't spoken to him in years. Unfortunately, unlike your daughter, I had to live with him until I was 13. The beatings, rage, anger, etc. were unbelievable and no child should have to suffer that. I hated that man with every fiber of my being.

Then I ended up just like him. All that rage and anger were in me. :shock: Thankfully I didn't beat my son, but I think I did just as much damage because I said some horrible things to him and now he's just as angry as me. It's really sad.

Anyway, a lady said something at a speaker meeting that really hit home for me. She said, "then I realized that my father had the same feelings as me, he has the same disease as me." And that's where the healing began for her and my hatred for my father began to diminish.

Hopefully, some day someone will say something to your daughter that will allow her to heal and let go of all that pain and anger.

You're a fine example of a recovering alcoholic, thank you for sharing.

Take care,
Julie
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Postby garden variety » Wed Feb 25, 2009 9:12 am

Hiya Bob,

Ouch!

It's like I really felt how much that one hurt you.

I've been in the same place with my daughter. I know what it's like to get a letter from a daughter who was hurt. I got the same kind of letter from my daughter as a "gift" on Father's day while I was sober.

She might never speak with you again. Or maybe she will.

Thanks for making me braver today by showing me how you used the 3rd step. I love the 3rd step. Sometimes - a lot of times - the 3rd step becomes the wind in my sails.

I hope "one day" will come to you and your daughter.

God bless.
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Postby ROBERT » Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:25 am

THANKS JULIE&GARDEN-V.......THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THIS SORTA THING WOULD SEND ME INTO A TAIL SPIN---THIS TYPE OF EXPERIENCE,LIVING LIFE AS IT IS AND NOT AS I THINK IT SHOULD BE--GOING THRU IT W/OUT CREATING MORE PROBLEMS IN IT--ACCEPTING IT IN SPITE OF THE PAIN--ACCEPTING MY LIMITATIONS(STEP 1) HAVING FAITH (STEP 2) MOVING ON AND JUST LEAVE STUFF BE (STEP 3) IS THE STUFF STORIES ARE MADE OF & TO SHARE W/OTHERS,TO ENCOURAGE THEM THAT IT IS GONNA BE OK AND THIS THING DOES WORK-ONE OF THE 9TH STEP PROMISES COMING ALIVE FOR ME AND FOR OTHERS WHO CAN HEAR THE MESSAGE......THANKS AGAIN ......ROBERT
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Postby Dallas » Wed Feb 25, 2009 3:20 pm

I'm always amazed at how so many of us -- share the same or nearly identical experiences.

One day, we show up -- and he/she shares what their going through, or where they've been on their journey... and it feels like "Their telling my story!"

Sometimes, others don't accept our amends. Sometimes, their perception of us is so twisted because of their own twisted reasons -- that they don't see us as we are today. Or, they refuse to remember the good times and the way we really were with them, when there really was good times. Most often, they need a reason to feel what their feeling... and we become the best reason that they can come up with. People do things for their reasons -- and not for our reasons and it causes us confusion to try and "figure-it-out."

It can be mighty painful when others don't accept our amends like we would like them to receive them. And, it's important -- that we keep on moving on -- making incremental progress -- and staying focused on the pursuit of the Good Life. And, to remember and to be aware -- that we did our part.

Dallas
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Postby ROBERT » Thu Feb 26, 2009 12:48 am

WOW---YEA AT FIRST,12 MOS. AGO I WAS HOPEFULL BECAUSE OF THE GOOD TIMES SAVANNAH AND I HAD-THERE WAS NOT ANY DESTRUCTIVE STUFF AT THAT TIME IN OUR LIVES--I GOT HER ON WEEKENDS AND I WAS SOBER --WE HAD FUN,ONE OF HER LETTERS SHE SHARED THAT SHE TRUSTED ME AND I HURT THAT TRUST WHEN I DRANK AGAIN--SHE ASKED ME,WASN'T SHE GOOD ENOUGH-WHY DID I CHOOSE TO PICK UP...I FELT TOTALLY INADEQUATE--THE I WAS A SICK GUY WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH-TRYING TO EXPLAINE WHY I DID THAT AND HOW IT CAUSED A 10 YEAR SEPERATION WAS IMPOSSIBLE,SO FOR TEN YEARS SHE WAS AT THE MERCY OF CHERI,MY X,THE IMFORMATION SAVANNAH HAS TODAY CAME FROM 2 PLACES---1,ME NOT BEING THERE 2,MY X--TODAY I KNOW THIS FOR SURE-- (1)I AM A RECOVERED ALCOHOLIC--(2)MY ACTIVE ALCOHOLISM HURT PEOPLE--(3)I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE --(4) I DID MY PART W/AMENDS ON THIS(5)LACK OF POWER WILL ALWAYS BE A DILEMA(6) I CAN NOT HELP MY DAUGHTER(7)I CHOOSE TO LET GO AND LET GOD DO THE WORK (8)I AM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE(9)I LOVE MY DAUGHTER(10)I LOVE MYSELF & I TRUST MY GOD.....TOTALLY.....THANKS YA'LL
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