- Forgiving ourselves

Forgiving ourselves




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Forgiving ourselves

Postby Jools » Thu Mar 19, 2009 9:16 am

The meeting topic last night was about forgiving ourselves and oh boy did I want to get up and leave as soon as the topic came up, but I sat there anyway. I did share that, so far, I haven't read anything in the BB about me forgiving me. That, for me, I feel like that's a form of self pity and keeps me focusing on me. The BB DOES teach me to become dependent on God, clear away the wreckage of my past and help another alkie whenever possible.

Then last night I wondered if I just don't have enough tolerance? Please share your experience with me.

Julie
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Postby Dallas » Thu Mar 19, 2009 4:52 pm

I understand! :lol: :lol:

It seemed easier for me -- to forgive others -- and nearly impossible to forgive myself. And, I couldn't do it (forgive myself) no matter how hard I tried!

What happened for me, was: when I stopped thinking about forgiving others... and focused my attention and actions on asking for their forgiveness and my offers to make amends... it somehow mysteriously snuck up on me and I discovered that I had been forgiving myself!

I didn't even know that I was forgiving myself at the time! Imagine that! Funny, how some things seem to work! :wink:

Dallas
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Postby sunlight » Thu Mar 19, 2009 9:49 pm

The St. Francis prayer says, "It is by forgiving that one is forgiven."

To me, that means I make the first move. Step 9 was a big help in doing that. Move or get drunk again. Ok, I'm moving!

Some people didn't accept my amends, but I still felt free & forgiven because I'd done all I could to make it right. I couldn't change the past, but I could do better right here, right now.

Unforgiveness keeps me in bondage! I do not relish the idea of being in bondage to anyone (my boss on the broom comes to mind), so I aim at behaving in a kind, open manner, without being servile or scraping, to those who are unkind to me.

And I certainly don't want to be in bondage to myself! What a drag. So, if my Father has forgiven me my trespasses as I have forgiven those who have trespassed against me, then who am I not to forgive myself?

Sometimes guilt gets mixed in there, but my pastor likes to point out that the purpose of guilt is to motivate you to change. Other than that it's pointless. He says to wallow in guilt without intending to change is just trying to fool yourself that you're actually DOING something about your behavior. I've been there! :roll:

So, it's HELLO STEP 11! :D "We must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review (of our day) we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."

Simple. Beautiful. My Father forgives me, & I want to be like my Father, so I forgive me.

Then I can get to having fun packing good things into the stream of life! :wink:

Thanks for the topic. You're good at them!
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Re: Forgiving ourselves

Postby garden variety » Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:48 pm

thanx_2hm wrote: I haven't read anything in the BB about me forgiving me.


Hey there.

I think what the book says is a little bit harder to see, but I think it pretty much tells me how to go about "self-forgiveness". Go to page 86:

"But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."

Now I bold-faced the things that are important to me. Like Sunlight said about St. Francis, it is in forgiving that we are forgiven. How I learn to forgive myself is by asking God for forgiveness and taking those "corrective measures", while at the same time, I'm supposed to keep my mind from "drifting into worry, remorse or morbid reflection". Now those thiings are pretty much different forms of the same habit I have which is self-pity. I can't forgive myself of anything because instead of taking unselfish constructive action which is the "corrective measures" on page 86, I'm occupying my time with destructuve inaction by spinning my wheels in self-pity. That's why I ask God, on the same page:

"...to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives."

But buddy let me tell you what, here's the best part that sums it up:

"It works - it really does."

"We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined."

OHHHH THIS IS BEAUTIFUL>>>>>NOW:

"There is action and more action."

Ain't that right, Dallas? :lol:
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Postby Dallas » Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:23 pm

Sunlight wrote:The St. Francis prayer says, "It is by forgiving that one is forgiven."


You know, I had read that many times and didn't realize what it was saying... and, one day I read it and it all made sense to me. "That's what I had been doing!" :lol: :lol:

I stole this little prayer below... from Some One by Some One in the Some Book... and added a little bit to it for me, and it has really made a wonderful difference in my life.

It's:

"Father... forgive them. They don't know what they did and they don't know what they're doing. And, please forgive me, too... because I sure identify in doing a lot of things that I didn't fully realize and understand what I was doing. And, please forgive me of the times that I did realize and understand what I was doing... and I went ahead and did it any way.

With your help, I pray, that I will do it differently next time.

And, Lord... please show me what to do so that I can make amends for the wrongs that I have done, and help me to make those amends."

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Postby Jools » Fri Mar 27, 2009 8:54 am

Thanks for sharing on this subject, y'all have enlightened this mind and heart.

I noticed that I carry around a lot of guilt because I think I should have done things differently raising him. That perhaps if I hadn't been so angry while he was growing up, he wouldn't be so angry. That perhaps if I had not handed him every lil thing his heart desired he'd be more motivated to work, that if I had stuck with his punishments instead of letting him off, etc. and the list goes on and on. I have been like a pig wallering in the mud by wallering in self pity.

Then I came to the conclusion that I can't change the past or how I raised Trey. I need to let go of the guilt, FORGIVE myself, and stay in the solution because he just may get sober himself one day and I can be there for him then. I can only do that by staying sober myself and living in the solution.

Please note that I haven't gotten perfect in this, but by realizing what I have been doing is a BIG step for me.

Julie
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Postby ROBERT » Fri Mar 27, 2009 11:44 pm

THE BOOK SAYS>>CHASING AFTER WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY,LEFT THE CHARACTER BUILDING IN MY DUST<<< WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WAS I FOCUSED ON THE DECISON I MADE AND MOVED ON W/THE PROGRAM OF ACTION,THE STEPS,AND LET GO OF "MY OLD IDEAS" THEN ONE GLORIOUS DAY I WOKE UP AND HAVING HAD A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING AS THE RESULT OF THAT DECISON,THE STEPS,I DISCOVERED I NO LONGER HATED MYSELF,GOD,OR MY FELLOWS!! IT WORKS IT REALLY DOES! ROBERT
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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - Forgiving ourselves