- To my friends on line

To my friends on line




Experiences along the way that bring us closer to our Higher Power

To my friends on line

Postby 918gma » Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:43 am

For lack of a better place to put this, I choose here. I guess I choose here because I help create here along with Dallas back when I thought I had all the answers. Today I don't have any thing but a disease called alcoholism.
A week ago today, after a speaker meeting, I called home from the road and told my daughter in law that I was going to the emergency room, because I didn't feel well. I told her that I was going to come home first and clear some things up, because I knew in my heart that I would be admitted into the hospital that night. She said Mom, don't even come home because if you do, you won't go and you need to go. It was true, I had been ill for some time. I didn't know how ill, because I refused to give into it. I fought it like I have fought every thing else I have ever come in contact with my whole life. But that night for a reason I can not explain, I could not fight any more. Every thing I had in me was gone. I walked into that emergency room powerless and defeated. The only thing I had going for me at that time was that I still had not taken a drink. I am still sober. That by the grace of God has still not changed.
But I now understand powerless in a way that I before had only believed I understood. In the blink of an eye, my health has taken a turn that has left me with no doubt in my mind that my life is now completely out of my control. It is the most frightening feeling I have ever known. I can't drive, I can't walk without holding on to some thing or some one. I can't do any thing with out help. I don't know if this is permanent or not, I only know that it is no longer my decision as to what is in store for me. Kay is well and I am having to rely on my family to help me with her another new one for me, and for my family. They now see what it is I have done myself for so long. This has been an eye opener for my whole family. I thank God that I have them, because I am now totally dependant on them.
I share this with you not asking for pity or sympathy, but for me and you to both see how our lives can change from one moment to the next.
I believe I am here at this point in my life because now it's time to see what God has in store for me, not what I feel he needs to do for me. It is his will that I am here and I must accept his will for me and do what he wants me to do. I just have to find out what that is. but that will come I believe that. I know that God would not have brought me here to dump me on my but and leave me for dead. Today I am an open book with blank pages. Now the real work must begin. Thank you for letting me share. I will be on line a lot I suppose because I can't work, I will need your experience strength and hope to see me through. Yes my friends it is true I 918GMA admit I am powerless and am asking for help truthfully and honestly for the first time in my life and I am scared to death but I love you all and I know you are there fro me as I am for any of you.

So you need to talk, you want to vent, share, what ever I am here. Thank you
918gma
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: Arizona

Postby Woodstock » Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:24 am

Hey GMA,

Sounds really scary what your talking about. I have wondered lately how life can change on a dime.

I was thinking how those years I was sober I didn't feel I really did much even though staying sober was quite a lot.

The past five years I drank heavier/harder and I could feel my body falling apart, and thinking I really didn't care. Felt lost, lonely, and just
didn't care. I wanted to want to be sober and healthy. Isn't it strange when I had several years sobriety I couldn't get back until I nearly killed
my wife and myself? One would think after that first drink I would have fallen apart then and come back. No, I am sure now alcoholism truly is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

You know, I used to read the BB and wonder if some of the information was correct. Well, I know what life is like in sobriety and what hell is like after sobriety. I truly am fortunate to have made it back and I know beyond any shadow of doubt, the first 164 pages of the BB is absolutley TRUE. Yes TRUE.

When I was drinking I isolated and didn't have any friends. After a few months, I'm meeting people all over town and talk to people of like mind on the internet. I've got people to talk to. I don't know you but I do know you; a gift of sobriety.

I don't know what your going through but I do know you have a HP in your life and you are not alone; you will never be alone. I'll talk to you as much as you need any time I'm available to do so. You have lots of people from this forum alone who will aide and comfort you; HP working in many ways.

A young person new in the progam asked me to give her a ride home from a meeting the other night. I told her I was so grateful she asked me 'cause she gave me an opportunity to do some service work. I was having a blast doing it because I could feel the act keeping me sober and motivating me to stay sober.

I'll leave you with a bit from BB, pg 98. Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the Idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.
The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house. 918gma your spirit is alive and well, I'll be praying for you. Jim
Woodstock
 
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Joined: Sun Nov 06, 2005 10:50 pm
Location: Pensacola, FL

Thank you

Postby 918gma » Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:58 am

Isn't funny how this program works. I don't know you either, yet there is no doubt I can trust and depend on you. A feeling very new and foreign to me but one I will have to learn. I never needing any one in my life. Now I can't live without help.
I have almost 18 months in sobriety, and this is my first trip, but now is when the reality of this disease has really hit home to me.
I heard some one share once in a meeting that if some one else had done to us what we have done to our selves, we would have killed them in self defence. Today I know and understand exactly what that means.
Thanks again.
918gma
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: Arizona

Postby JR » Sun Nov 20, 2005 4:25 pm

gma,

Sorry to hear of your health troubles.

I know how things can change in a New York minute. I've had tragedy hit without notice. Luckily, every time that has happened I was sober and had a program and support group. You've done the footwork, gma, so you'll get through this, as you have other things in the last 18 months.

I wish I could come over and visit, but I'll just have to settle for the online visit.

You'll be in my prayers.

XOXOXOX,

JR
JR
 
Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:24 am
Location: Pacific Northwest

Thank you

Postby 918gma » Sun Nov 20, 2005 8:38 pm

I feel better today. I am discovering what this is all about. And it's OK. When I got sober, I heard that I had a disease. I believed that it was a disease, but I never gave myself a chance to heal, physically from the disease. I know there is no full recovery. It is a daily reprieve based on our willingness to achieve a closer connection with our higher power by working the steps. What I didn't accept is the fact that there were physical, mental and emotional scares from the damage I had done. I never gave myself time to heal. When a normal person gets sick, they go to the doctor and follow his instruction and either heal or at least have a game plan of some sort to fix the damage that the disease caused. At the rate I was going, I could have very soon been told, Kathy your dead lay down. I believe God knocked me down before that point.
Thank you again for being there.
918gma
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: Arizona

Postby JR » Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:12 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: I'm so glad you have a sense of humor about it. Take care of yourself woman, we need you.

Love,

JR
JR
 
Posts: 132
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:24 am
Location: Pacific Northwest

thanks

Postby 918gma » Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:12 am

Good advice I am learning how to take batter care of myself. I believe the only thing that was left in tact is my humor, for which I'm grateful.
918gma
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: Arizona

Postby Rusty Zipper » Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:59 am

howdy 9! its your pal Rusty was at meets over weekend. read'n Daily Reflections. " When facing situations that must be met, and decisions that must be made. Renew that simple request " Thy will, not mine, be done " i am responsible for the effort and God is responsible for the outcome. 9! the BB. After all, our problems wereof our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopprd fighting anybody or anything. We have to! and 9, one more thing. i ever tell ya about the lady? was about three weeks not drinking. at speaker meets. lady tell'n story. hubby left, kids left, no job, live'n in a shelter, and dying of cancer. she made me laugh, was very humble, showed me i can face anything, and with the right attitude. she gave me "Hope!!!" 9, i wanted what da lady had. she had a thing called "Grace" well for today i have it. there been lot's'o thin's thrown at me in recovery. physicaly, emotionaly, and yep, spiritualy. for today, i believe i have a beautilfull thing called Grace. the 11th step realy helped me to learn about it. well got ta run, bring'n recovery buddie to see da Doc. good wishes 9, your in my prayers. think i have to cut out watching Everybody Loves Raymond at night. my prayer list is a git'n a bits long :shock: have a peacefull day my friend. all my love, Da Zip
Rusty Zipper
 
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Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:19 pm
Location: My Room in CT.

HEY FRIENDS

Postby 918gma » Sat Dec 10, 2005 2:49 am

Well guys, it looks like old 9 has to wear a new hat. Doc says I have to push paper at a desk. At first I was mad as heck. but after a few conversations with you know who, he won again. At least this way I will get to retire on my own two feet in June. Then it's back to school and a little fun for this crazy grandma. I appreciate all the e-mails and the support. Keep it coming and you know I'm here for any one of you any time Love 918gma :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
918gma
 
Posts: 285
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:25 pm
Location: Arizona

Re: To my friends on line

Postby Banjoman » Thu Sep 07, 2006 11:18 pm

918gma wrote:For lack of a better place to put this, I choose here. I guess I choose here because I help create here along with Dallas back when I thought I had all the answers. Today I don't have any thing but a disease called alcoholism.
A week ago today, after a speaker meeting, I called home from the road and told my daughter in law that I was going to the emergency room, because I didn't feel well. I told her that I was going to come home first and clear some things up, because I knew in my heart that I would be admitted into the hospital that night. She said Mom, don't even come home because if you do, you won't go and you need to go. It was true, I had been ill for some time. I didn't know how ill, because I refused to give into it. I fought it like I have fought every thing else I have ever come in contact with my whole life. But that night for a reason I can not explain, I could not fight any more. Every thing I had in me was gone. I walked into that emergency room powerless and defeated. The only thing I had going for me at that time was that I still had not taken a drink. I am still sober. That by the grace of God has still not changed.
But I now understand powerless in a way that I before had only believed I understood. In the blink of an eye, my health has taken a turn that has left me with no doubt in my mind that my life is now completely out of my control. It is the most frightening feeling I have ever known. I can't drive, I can't walk without holding on to some thing or some one. I can't do any thing with out help. I don't know if this is permanent or not, I only know that it is no longer my decision as to what is in store for me. Kay is well and I am having to rely on my family to help me with her another new one for me, and for my family. They now see what it is I have done myself for so long. This has been an eye opener for my whole family. I thank God that I have them, because I am now totally dependant on them.
I share this with you not asking for pity or sympathy, but for me and you to both see how our lives can change from one moment to the next.
I believe I am here at this point in my life because now it's time to see what God has in store for me, not what I feel he needs to do for me. It is his will that I am here and I must accept his will for me and do what he wants me to do. I just have to find out what that is. but that will come I believe that. I know that God would not have brought me here to dump me on my but and leave me for dead. Today I am an open book with blank pages. Now the real work must begin. Thank you for letting me share. I will be on line a lot I suppose because I can't work, I will need your experience strength and hope to see me through. Yes my friends it is true I 918GMA admit I am powerless and am asking for help truthfully and honestly for the first time in my life and I am scared to death but I love you all and I know you are there fro me as I am for any of you.

So you need to talk, you want to vent, share, what ever I am here. Thank you
I hope this brightens your day.. I have just read your poem 'who drives the bus'.. I loved every line. Thats me to a 'T'.. after 17 years of sobriety I tried to drive the bus. Didnt crash it that day but 3 years afterwards did. I crashed it up every day for two and a half weeks untill it wouldnt move any more. The people on the bus brushed me off and give me that book again. That was 6 weeks ago. God can do all the driving from now on lol. I am a danger to myself and all around me when I try to drive that bus. Thanks a bunch my friend. With regards to your illness. You are in Gods hands. Don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there. I love you.. Mike oxoxo. :shock:
Banjoman
 
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Joined: Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:40 pm
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