My Dilemma

[Anja]

I've enjoyed reading here since I began checking in. Thanks for your posts, All.

I have a problem with compulsive use of the computer. It was my life-line to interaction during my last relapse and, as such, provided me with my sense of still belonging to and participating in social life.

But this compulsion creates in me many reactions and emotions which match my alcoholic problems. Because of that, spending too much time here robs me of enjoyment of my "real life."

At present my mom is in hospice and I find myself increasingly drawn to this little box on my desk to "hide" for a while. It interferes with my spirituality and tends to dull my responses to real people.

While I understand that this kind of withdrawal from intense feelings is the denial stage of the grief process, and a natural and normal response to impending loss, I am waking up to the fact that it is dulling my enjoyment.

I'd like to be more actively responding to others' posts and sharing my experience, strength and hope with everyone here. And presently I am not doing much of that for the above reasons.

But I'm here every couple of days and reading what you have to share when I am able to be attentive.

We have a saying around here - "If one person calls you a horse, you can shrug it off. If two people call you a horse, you'd best sit down and think about it. And if three people call you a horse, it's time to go out and buy a saddle!"

Last week three different people in my life commented on my use of the computer. Okay. I HEAR that!

(I suspect there's supposed to be a three letter word after horse.)

[Anja]

Second thoughts.

I'm good at those!

And, of course, what I may be doing is postponing that moment when I get up and go outside to work in my flower gardens.

I think I've misabeled this thread. It's not really a dilemma at all. It's one of my problems. And, like any good alcoholic I'd like to say I'm troubled by the lack of solution (You can't fix me. No, you can't!) but I already know what the solution is - stop doing it!

So, this isn't my dilemma. It's just another compulsive behavior which I sometimes would rather do than getting into action.

Okay. I'm outta here.

[tim-one]

You take care of yourself, Anja. Do the next right thing.

I'm cutting back, too. I shared at my Relapse Prevention group the other day that I'm procrastinating my daily chores by spending too much time "staying sober" here. Working at home alone, I'm alone all the time. I'm using y'all so I don't call it "lonely".

I was never accused of being moderate with anything when I was drinking. By nature, I do EVERYTHING too much. I'm learning moderation.

I practice, practice, practice still
To heal my heart without a pill.

See ya 'round whenever our SHORT times on the 'puter coincide.

Love,
Tim-one

[Dallas]

Thanks for sharing.

It seems that you've done a great deal of thinking about this. My compulsion is to analyze. I love to think. I can get high as a kite or low as an ant just by thinking. I never have to worry about something to think about. I never have to worry about having another problem. All I've got to do is -- have a little free time on my hand -- and start thinking.

Thinking doesn't take much action or activity. It doesn't require a lot of effort for me. It sure does burn up a lot of the energy that I could be using for doing something else, though!


One of the things that I just love to think about is -- when I find something that can help me, or something that I like to do, or something I enjoy, or something that can be good for me... I'll think it into the ground.

I think it all stems from an unconscious need -- to not be nice to myself. (Sometimes... even to beat myself to a pulp! I can be good at that, too! It's something that I've thought much about!)

Thinking....

Thanks for letting me share my THOUGHTS.

Well. I better get back to thinking.

Best wishes,

Dallas

[tim-one]

Aw, hell. Look how quick I'm back.

Oh, yeah ... turn off the "Watching this Thread" notification. Yeah ... tha'ts it!

Hahahahahaha, Dallas

My sponsor and I were walking through a meeting room. He stopped me and said, see all those signs?
"One day at a time"
"Easy does it"
"Think think think"
"Let go and let God"
"Live and let live"

I said, "Yeah?"

He said, "The one in the middle is NOT for YOU."



Love,
Tim-one

[Dallas]

We used to turn the "Think, think, think" one upside down.... because thinking is the fastest way to get an alcoholic turned upside down!

My sponsor used to say "Dallas, when the first words out of your mouth are 'I've been thinking' ... I know you're heading into a problem!

[tim-one]

I'm doomed


No, wait ... I heard somebody else thinks I have a chance!

I'll go with that.

[GeoffS]

Its not uncommon for people to 'hide out' in AA. It can be comfortable and safe.

I did it.

My sponsor challenged me to carry the message, that took my recovery to a new level.

Second half of step twelve- practice these principles in all our affairs. You can't do that if you rationalize inactivity behind 'working on recovery' and don't get yourself some 'affairs'.

Balance is crucial, so is easy does it, but remember DO IT.

[tim-one]

Thanks, Geoff.

At the moment, I'm still a bit vulnerable (5 months) and intensely preparing myself for service.

I want out of my comfort level. Booze was my comfort. I don't want to be comfortable any more. I want to be useful to the world around me.

What I tend to do is become too absorbed in recovery stuff and procrastinate the other life duties I was procrastinating by drinking.

Oh, well. We each have things we're working on. The evidence is that I AM making spiritual progress and I ain't no saint ... yet.

Thanks for your solid BB response. THAT'S what I'm here for. Love it.

Love ya, brother.
Tim-one

[garden variety]

I want out of my comfort level. Booze was my comfort. I don't want to be comfortable any more. I want to be useful to the world around me.

Heya Tim ---

Reality check here bro'!

Do you know what you're saying? Man oh man, if you're saying that to your God, and that thought is sincere in your heart and mind, God bless you, man! I stopped saying things and thinking things like that a long time ago! God has an uncanny way of teaching me a little bit more about mixing self-control into my enthusiasm.

Why? God answers thoughts. God answers questions. God knows the desires of my heart, and by God, He certainly has the Power to do anything good I ask of him. So here is where "Think. Think. Think" comes in mighty handy. Sometimes it feels like God, with His unfailingly dry and sincere Wit and Humor, will answer me with such an inspiration:

"Why Paul, I'm glad you asked for that. I'll gladly take you out of your comfort zone and make you more useful to the world around you. In fact, I'll do it right now before you change your mind! I thought you'd never ask!"

Then KABOOM - in an instant I will be so far out of my comfort zone that I'll forget what a comfort zone was, then crying (real tears) wishing I was back in the zone again. In the twinkling of an eye, I'm smack dab in the middle of some kind of totally unexepected, whirlwinding, life-changing set of circumstances. I might find myself milking cows in Wisconsin for God knows why, and who, and how and what! But by golly, I'll literally be ankle deep in cow-poop squeezing nipples at 4AM 80 miles west of Madison - I tell you what! And I ALWAYS end up remembering my thoughts and prayers, and then saying to myself "why in THEE HELL did I ask HIM for that!"

You think I'm joking?

Now Now...(or as Geoff might say "Here, here!")

There is so much to be gained by trusting my Higher Power. My life is so much more enriched and better - better than it ever was. But brother, when He takes me out of the comfort zone, He'll take me WAY WAY WAY far out of that comfort zone when I "volunteer" to let Him do it. Then I find out through wrenching moments, that I MUST learn how to master my emotions and feelings (the Dallas B "I over E" theorum), or else I'm cooked meat.

I hate to say this. But I do that every day, my friend, when I pray the 3rd step prayer. I turn over all that I have and all that I am to Him. Buddy let me tell you what - I'm never again able to predict or forsee where He takes me. Sometimes nothing changes one day to the next: that gives me a moment of serenity. Did I say SERENITY? Did I say MOMENT? These are the things that deepen my love affair with TODAY. Buddy I hang on to today like there's no tomorrow.

For me, to think what you've written up there, or to pray for some kind of change that makes me more useful, I've learned to grab on to today and the moment with everything that is within me. Today is the very best day there ever was.

"Elders" in the fellowship always told me "it gets better" or "if you think it's great today, wait until you see tomorrow."

Well, I think I learned how to wait for tomorrow.

I wish you glorious adventures on this journey, Tim-one. I'm confident you're definitely heading for the "new adventures in usefulness" you long for.

Be prepared for the unexpected, my friend (sorry if that sounds like "advice"). Remember though, that we walk together, and we're here "in the spirit" and you'll probably "surely meet some of us as you trudge" into your Happy Destiny.

God bless,
and His Love to you my friend~
Paul