- Love and Life

Love and Life




Personal experiences with a Higher Power of your own understanding.

Love and Life

Postby sunlight » Mon Jun 08, 2009 11:15 pm

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I belonged to God. Can't say why or how this came to me. I just knew it. I remember others - my family, friends or teachers - fretting & worrying about things, but I was in this state of bliss and happiness because I had a Heavenly Father who took care of everything. I tried to please Him and he looked after me.

Then, due to the rampant alcoholism in the family, a series of tragedies hit and my world fell apart. I was frightened and confused and no one could explain to me what was happening. (We were a family of secrets). I couldn't understand why my Father had let all this happen and it seemed that He wasn't listening to me anymore and I could no longer sense His presence in the chaos of my life.

As i grew older and listened to my peers, I allowed myself to be convinced that God had nothing to do with our lives, and it really wasn't cool to talk or believe in Him. We were basically on our own. Sure seemed that way to me. So, since God wasn't doing anything, I figured I'd better get busy and take charge myself. It was the beginning of SELF.

Of course, that was a major disaster and after many years of imposing my will on everything and everyone, I collapsed in frustration and fear and went back to the faith of my childhood. I went to church, took classes, led ministries, took on heavy volunteer commitments etc... I looked great and put on a shining show. But I could not find the God that I had known as a child. I could not connect. I was a big phony. And my life kept getting worse. And after I lost control of my drinking, I could not stay sober. I would sit in church and cry & tell God I was sorry for drinking & then go home and drink. :? :x

On the night of my last drunk, my son beat me up in a blackout. He yelled what a hypocrite I was trying to pretend all this God stuff when all I really was, was a drunk.

The next day I made it to my 1st AA meeting. I saw the steps on the wall and the mention of God. I KNEW God was the answer! But, I could not stay sober. These sober people must know something about God that I didn't & I decided to keep coming back to find out what it was.
But, in order for me to even begin, I had to admit that I was lost. Utterly, completely, fatally lost. I had to chuck all my ideas about God out the window and start anew. I had to admit that whatever I knew about God was not working for me. I had to admit that I knew nothing about anything!
Wasn't too hard to do cuz I was at my bottom. There was no where to go but up.

When I began taking the steps, I just let things unfold in a natural way. I didn't "try" or force or fake. I began to experience strange, meaningful things that convinced me that I was being re-connected with a Power that had always been there, but I was too lost in self to know it. I was staying sober! This alone was proof to me that I had found my Higher Power, or I had cleaned out enough wreckage to allow Him to find me. This connection grew with each day sober and with each step. It was like the way a friendship grows - slowly and sweetly. I don't really understand it. I just participate in it, cooperate with it and enjoy it .

It continues to grow! Just when I think I've come to understand this God who graces me with His help, He changes! Like the changing colors of a color wheel, always new, always flowing into another shade or hue. Of course it isn't He who changes, just my perception of Him. To me, He's the God of surprises! There's only one pattern that seems to be constant - love and life. Those two gifts are always where God is, for me. Through AA, He loved me back to life, and gave me life to love.

Thank you for letting me share. :D
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:48 am

Sunlight, thank you for sharing!
I feel as though you told parts of my story!
I felt those inner parts moving around as I read it. :wink:

I love to read sharing like this in the Grapevine magazine. (As well as on our site here, too!) :wink:

You may want to send them a copy! I'm sure they would be happy to have it.

Best wishes,

Dallas
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Postby Tim » Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:01 am

Sunlight--

Thanks for sharing a part of your story with us. The light of recognition (That's happened to me, I've felt like that) went on as I read your post.

I think that many of us in AA come to sobriety with a very distorted image of a Higher Power. We often need to fire our God and get a new one--one that is helpful to us in recovery. That has, at least, been true for me. I, too, have been surprised by God, in good ways.

I agree with Dallas that your story would be a good one for the Grapevine magazine, our "meeting in print".
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Postby sunlight » Fri Jun 12, 2009 7:19 pm

I'll show it to my sponsor. If she approves, it's a go! :wink:

( Thanks, God! )
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Postby Jools » Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:34 am

Thanx for sharing this, Sun. I love when you share cuz you share from your heart. It's great to have you back here with us.

I felt like God has been calling me all my life and I just continued to ignore Him. I'd go to church periodically but nothing ever clicked for me. I know why now, all that crap that I was holding onto, the resentments, fears, etc, was blocking me off from the sunlight of His spirit. It was never He who walked away from me, it was I who walked away from Him. I love God's grace.

Love ya sista!
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Postby tim-one » Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:11 am

Oh, Sunny!

It continues to grow! Just when I think I've come to understand this God who graces me with His help, He changes! Like the changing colors of a color wheel, always new, always flowing into another shade or hue. Of course it isn't He who changes, just my perception of Him. To me, He's the God of surprises! There's only one pattern that seems to be constant - love and life. Those two gifts are always where God is, for me. Through AA, He loved me back to life, and gave me life to love.


That's just BEAUTIFUL! YEAH, baby. THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! He's in every true color AND in the blended shades between. Beautiful.

or I had cleaned out enough wreckage to allow Him to find me.


Uh huh ... as I clean mine, I find Him IN my wreckage. He'd been there all the time. I couldn't see Him ... blinded by self, sin, and just not payin' attention.

He's the God of surprises!


Durn tootn! Yep ... that's HIM, awrite! Amazes me these days.

Remember "Analyze This"? (Robert Deniro, Billy Crystal) "You ... YOU ..."

That's me all day now. Shakin' my finger at God, "You ....", knowing He set me up for a wonderful surprise behind my back. :D

I'm sure it's just that I'm payin' attention now. :wink:

Bless your heart, Sunny. Sounds like He loves you, too. Let's keep this a secret, huh? We don't want EVERYBODY usin' Him up, do we? 8)

Beautiful share.

Love ya, girl.
Tim1
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Postby Then, and only then » Mon Mar 07, 2011 1:23 am

I know now why you call yourself Sunlight, because you are. I appreciate you and this forum.

Three years ago today, I was drunk. Again, my wife left with my 2 year old son to her parents in California. She had it again. I was alone at home, did not work, did not eat, just drank. I stacked the empty Smirinoff bottles on my kitchen island. At the end, I ran out of the space.

I was going to stop tomorrow. The tomorrow never come. I did that about a month. I lost 40 some pounds. I had TV on, smoking, lights off, shutters closed. I went out to get the bottle and smoke only. I could not swallow solid food. My urine turned brown.

One night, I had burning sensation on my chest, so I drank some more. That would num it, I thought. That did not. I was diagnosed with Alcoholic Hepatitis next morning. My cousin also had it about a year ago. She was in her twenties. After her diagnose, she drank three more times. Each time, her father took her to hospital. There wasn't anything doctors could do. No medicine, no surgery, nothing but to watch her. The last time, her fever did not come down, she lost conscious, she died.

That was going to happen to me, I thought. I did it this time. Now, I had crossed it. As I was sitting on my deck smoking, the reality set in. I could not stop, but I could not drink. What have I done. How did I get here. A smart guy like me. I sat there for an hour or two. What have I done.
I took a shower, changed my under wares. I could not stop. I would go in clean clothes. Ya, at least, I owed that to myself. Then, I decided to clean all my toilets before the night came. What if my son found out his father was a drunk and a dirty one. I could not have that. The tears ran as I cleaned my toilets. I don't remember how long I cried.

The night finally came with this thought, I will drink tomorrow. That thought made me possible to pick up the yellow chip. Because till then, I did not believe AA would work for me. It took me another year to realize if I keep doing whatever the hec I was doing, I might die sober. Then recently, I want to live sober.

That was three years ago. Thank you Sunlight. Thank all of you. Thank you AA. Thank you, God.
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