Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that I belonged to God. Can't say why or how this came to me. I just knew it. I remember others - my family, friends or teachers - fretting & worrying about things, but I was in this state of bliss and happiness because I had a Heavenly Father who took care of everything. I tried to please Him and he looked after me.
Then, due to the rampant alcoholism in the family, a series of tragedies hit and my world fell apart. I was frightened and confused and no one could explain to me what was happening. (We were a family of secrets). I couldn't understand why my Father had let all this happen and it seemed that He wasn't listening to me anymore and I could no longer sense His presence in the chaos of my life.
As i grew older and listened to my peers, I allowed myself to be convinced that God had nothing to do with our lives, and it really wasn't cool to talk or believe in Him. We were basically on our own. Sure seemed that way to me. So, since God wasn't doing anything, I figured I'd better get busy and take charge myself. It was the beginning of SELF.
Of course, that was a major disaster and after many years of imposing my will on everything and everyone, I collapsed in frustration and fear and went back to the faith of my childhood. I went to church, took classes, led ministries, took on heavy volunteer commitments etc... I looked great and put on a shining show. But I could not find the God that I had known as a child. I could not connect. I was a big phony. And my life kept getting worse. And after I lost control of my drinking, I could not stay sober. I would sit in church and cry & tell God I was sorry for drinking & then go home and drink.
On the night of my last drunk, my son beat me up in a blackout. He yelled what a hypocrite I was trying to pretend all this God stuff when all I really was, was a drunk.
The next day I made it to my 1st AA meeting. I saw the steps on the wall and the mention of God. I KNEW God was the answer! But, I could not stay sober. These sober people must know something about God that I didn't & I decided to keep coming back to find out what it was.
But, in order for me to even begin, I had to admit that I was lost. Utterly, completely, fatally lost. I had to chuck all my ideas about God out the window and start anew. I had to admit that whatever I knew about God was not working for me. I had to admit that I knew nothing about anything!
Wasn't too hard to do cuz I was at my bottom. There was no where to go but up.
When I began taking the steps, I just let things unfold in a natural way. I didn't "try" or force or fake. I began to experience strange, meaningful things that convinced me that I was being re-connected with a Power that had always been there, but I was too lost in self to know it. I was staying sober! This alone was proof to me that I had found my Higher Power, or I had cleaned out enough wreckage to allow Him to find me. This connection grew with each day sober and with each step. It was like the way a friendship grows - slowly and sweetly. I don't really understand it. I just participate in it, cooperate with it and enjoy it .
It continues to grow! Just when I think I've come to understand this God who graces me with His help, He changes! Like the changing colors of a color wheel, always new, always flowing into another shade or hue. Of course it isn't He who changes, just my perception of Him. To me, He's the God of surprises! There's only one pattern that seems to be constant - love and life. Those two gifts are always where God is, for me. Through AA, He loved me back to life, and gave me life to love.
Thank you for letting me share.