My Dilemma

Alcoholics and Addicts in 12 Step Programs sharing their personal recovery stories with hope to help others who alcoholics and addicts who want to recover using the 12 Steps.
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Postby Susan68 » Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:20 pm

tim-one wrote:Makes me wonder if you can still sew with the needle when God's finished with the camel. In my experience, YEAH ! Ya CAN ! :D (Forgive me, please. That's a Bible thing. I ferget many may not know that story.)

I know the reference. :)

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Postby tim-one » Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:45 am

Hahahahaha ... Yep, Dallas. I'm a lot smarter thatn I am. :oops:

I shared in a meeting once:

"I'm a pretty smart guy. When I was 5, mom had a cool clock that didn't have hands. It had 3 dots that went around and you coold see right through the clock. I took it apart to fugure out how they did that. MOM FREAKED! "You put that back together right now ... AND IT BETTER WORK!"

I did. It did.

They told me my I.Q. was over 145. (whatever the hell THAT means. You're lookin' at what I did with it.) Kept me in trouble my whole school career of D's and F's. "You're just not applying yourself!"

In rehab, I thoroughly considered everything I heard. Thought it all through until it made sense to me. Actually ... it DID all make sense to me. Nuthin like a little experience to srew up a good theory.

But, I guess thinking I was "figuring it out myself", I put off getting a sponsor. I thought I was making good progress.

One of my fellow inmates (rehab resident :) ), that guy up there chairing the meeting, (what a hardass) kept telling me to get a sponsor, get a sponsor .... So I got a sponsor so he'd quit raggin' on me.

Man, did that make a difference! I started growing. Got me summa that "humility" stuff. Found out more truth about myself than I ever imagined I could.

Now, I'm convinced that I really am in the genius IQ range. I KNOW I'm a helluva lot smarter than THAT guy, cuz he "got it" long before I did."

Say ... Dallas. I'm not sure what you meant.

I would not be thinking of how to sew with a needle... (they got tailors for that!)... I would be thinking of how I could get through the eye of a needle without getting stuck!"

Worried about getting stuck in the eye OF the needle or stuck in the eye WITH the needle?

It would be just like THIS genius to try the wrong end. :oops:


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Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 15, 2009 6:16 pm

I wish you well in your search for wellness. I'm one of the lucky one's. AA works just fine for me.
Last edited by Dallas on Sat Jul 18, 2009 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby tim-one » Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:43 pm

I'm just baby, ya know. He's my pappy.

Hahahahahaha .... I kinda noticed a little twang there. Kinda infectious, ain't it? And really dam annoying. :lol:

Don't ever vacation in the hills of Arkansas. It'll take a YEAR to get THAT talk off ya. :roll:

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Postby Anja » Tue Jun 16, 2009 1:05 pm

Hey! Here you are talking without me! Tres kewl.

Congrats, Susan, on your progress.

AA suing other AAs? Sounds like a cultural glitch. Bless us to stay on track.

Guess I'm making good progress on my computer compulsion. I do have days where I have trouble drawing myself away. Baby steps. (Man, I detest that concept.) True to form any time I face my addict head on. Squirm time.

Today is our forty-second wedding anniversary. At this time forty-two years ago I was driving home from the hairdresser's. Hit a skunk! And (animal lover) me had only one thought - "I hope I squashed that sucker flat dead!" Had visions of strolling down the aisle and people holding their noses. Cognitive dissonance, anyone? :lol:

We spent the weekend in Mpls. Got a good deal on a four-star hotel and we pulled out all the stops on a steak dinner at a ritzy-ditzy steakhouse. Probably the last conspicuous consumption hurrah on this end for the next few years.

It was refreshing to refuse the offer of cocktails and not feel any pressure from waitstaff. Class act on their part.

Even bought a glitzy dress and teensy little not-too-high heels with rinestones on them. (Had to hold Beloved Spouse's arm everywhere we walked. Heh.) Dead feet. Peripheral neuropathy - a gift from my addict in conjunction with the Smirnoff folks. That will definitely be the last time I try to walk on those. I probably looked like I had been imbibing. But it was fun.

The other half of my animal loving self kicked in when the meat tray came by and the waiter held up a very large and drowsy looking lobster for my approval. After he set the creature back down, the doomed little soul raised his head and looked around as if to say, "Hey! What the heck is going on around here?"

It was all I could do to not asked for Mr. Lobster to be delivered to my table live in a bag of salt water for his rescue.

I had the steak. It was already dead. :?

Mom is now on time-released morphine and has not had any further pain at this point. That's a relief to me. Oddly she seems even more alert than when she was on the artificial pain relief. Pain can be a real enemy of the senses.

Have my women's group meeting today at 5:30 and will be glad to see everyone.

AA Hugs to all.

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Postby tim-one » Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:10 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:evil: HEY ... this was a private conversation. Were you eavesreading? :lol:

Nice to hear from you Anja. Stay away some more . You came back funny as hell! And with BIG WORDS! Gotta love laughin' intelligently. (Don't EVER accuse ME of that. :wink: )

I know what you mean about high heels. Hurt. Wobbly. But, if I don't wear them, I'm not just up to my neck in ... uh ... stuff. :P

I'm happy for your mom. I'm sure it's nice for you to see her more comfortable.

Perfect example for me. The correct application of medications for the correct purpose makes one feel normal. If it ain't broke, don't medicate it.

Glad to hear from ya.


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Postby Anja » Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:51 pm


High heels? You must be talkin' boots.

You know I do live with some caution about even the right kind of meds for the right purpose. I could imagine needing surgery at some point and am more than glad to keep it in today on that one.

But I have already made some plans ahead of time. Because that was how I lost my first eight years. Not going to try to go it alone on that one.

At the time I was separated from my husband, living alone, went to the Mayo alone for a week. Attended meetings there.

The clinic screwed up on scheduling so I sat from six in the morning until one thirty in the afternoon before they got me a room. They gave me the pre-op too soon and it had all worn off by the time I got into surgery.

And they put me in the children's ward. Staff didn't want to deal with my CD issues, or too busy or didn't know how. Sent me up to the tx center but they didn't have time, referred me to the inhouse AA meeting.

Apparently that was a no-no because a patient who was suffering among all the recovering docs and nurses definitely wasn't in the plans for them. I suspect the TX staff was sending some sort of message to the docs, but really don't know what it was all about. Fairly bizarre, all. One of those deals where you know you've just walked into somebody's hidden agenda but don't have a clue. Or maybe I was fuzzy from the meds? Who knows?

Couldn't get ahold of my local AA contact. It was stressful and I felt so alone. All in all circumstances and attitude (by then I was jonesin' and pretty resentful) set me up big-time.

Got back to my apartment and called my psychiatrist. And she'd moved!

Called the Mayo and told them I needed a referral pronto and they said they didn't do psych referrals. Final straw. I drank just to fix them for all that shoddy treatment.

It was just one of those other-worldly disharmonic convergences or errors which can't be explained. We seem to be subject to those sorts of things, eh? But bottom line was that my attitude just plain, um, sucked. Ultimately that's what did me in.

In retrospect I learned a lot. Mainly never to allow myself to feel abandoned. That's the most dangerous spot I can be in. I know know why that's so scary to me and I also know now that it was a lie I told myself. :wink:

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Postby tim-one » Thu Jun 18, 2009 8:21 am

You sure showed them, drinkin' at them. Served 'em right, dammit! People like that deserve your suffering! Give 'em your hell, girl! :evil:


I'm not sure I was flowing with your story there. My brain ain't up yet. Maybe it's sumthin I missed from a previous post that probly 'splains it all.

You were having surgery at places where you were also being treated for addiction? I'd like to be sure I grok the situation before I share anything totally unrelated. (Which would be SO like me. :lol: )

Mind clearing that up for my blithered brain? :roll:


PS: uh ... yeah ... boots ... platform boots from the '70s disco days ... which is on my step-4 "would-rather-forget-than-not-regret" file. :lol:

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Postby Anja » Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:39 pm

Oh, the disco days. A variety of follies there. :lol:

No. I'll try to clarify.

I had had thyroid surgery locally but didn't get better. Turned out I also had parathyroid tumors. Kept going back to my local doctor and he said I needed a psychiatrist. (all in my head.) Finally, after months of persistance he referred me to Mayo where they found the parathyroid tumors.

I was sober but my mental health was suffereing from the chemical imbalance the tumors were causing. A comedy of errors. Later I found out that the first surgeon had left a note for my local doctor that I should be watched carefully because he suspected parathyroid tumors as well but I guess my local doctor had missed the note. A comedy of errors which could have cost me more than it did.

A good reason to be one's own best medical advocate.

They made a mistake locally on my pre-op and gave me the amount intended for the woman in the next room, a four-hundred-plus woman who was having an intestinal bypass! And it was touch and go for a while when they thought they'd overdoesed me.

That's where my high tolerance came to my rescue. I think that massive amount of mood-altering may have played a part because I'd requested the absoluted minimum of pain management possible.

So all in all it was just a series of errors with all good intentions all the way around. Just shows how things can go awry sometimes and why sticking close to the program and its people is so crucial. Being away from home added to the isolation.

The anaesthetist and one of my local nurses were program people and I had them watching over also. But it just went wrong. . .

After my second surgery at Mayo I had major withdrawal issues, mostly psychological, I think. But being in a children's ward, there was no one to talk to and that exacerbated my problem.

The treatment center was located in another part of the hospital.

I even went and sat with a dying patient in hopes that service would help distract me.

But inside that sense of being uncared for and resentment were roiling. Fear and anger.

When I finally got myself into a psych clinic post op the first night I was sexually assaulted by my roommate! It just was not my year.

Then I hooked up from there with a psychiatrist in the Cities who lost her license shortly after I started seeing her. Everywhere I turned I just couldn't seem to find any reliable help. It was so strange.

The psychiatric hospital's psychiatrist went off the deep end and didn't mail an explanation to my work place so I lost six-hundred dollars in benefits and subsequently ability to pay for my apartment. Later I found out that she'd lost her license as well. Had to get a lawyer just to get a letter for my work place.

I felt like I was carrying a dark cloud with me everywhere I went and it was all around me in others. Maybe it was! (You know - that thing I was saying about "disharmonic convergences" that we seem to be prone to? Attitude.)

And I got lost for quite a long time after that.

It's been ages since I even thought about that litany of woes and it's good to notice that I feel clear of any old baggage from all that. But for a long time I felt that there just wasn't any person or medical program or HP there for me anymore.

A long dark night of the soul, I think they call it. These days I avoid negative thinking like the plague. Which it is!

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Postby tim-one » Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:04 pm

Guud Lowerd, girl ! Wholly sheeat!

"Disharmonic convergences" - very philosophically put. You've apparently done a lot of work on yourself to call it that.

I'm sorry I nudged you into reiterating that negatory plinking. (I just made that up for you ... plinking = plague thinking. In Texas, plinking is shooting up bottles and cans for target practice. Seemed fitting to me somehow.)

Wow, hon. You're my new sober hero! Bless your heart.

I also really appreciate how you've re-dealt the whole thing to yourself as a "comedy of errors". You obviously understand that comedy doesn't mean funny:

Comedy - from Medieval Latin comoedia - "drama with a happy ending"
This run of luck falls into definition #3:
3: a ludicrous or farcical event or series of events <a comedy of errors>
as you said.

Thank you for your experience, strength, and hope. I laugh a lot ... mostly at myself and never AT others ... only with if they'e laughing.

But I'm still getting over my last several months of not being able to laugh at my drunkazz self. Laughter is the best thing God did to me. I mean for me. Absolutely the best. I was born with it and never outgrew it.

Boy, am I laughin' NOW being able to watch me from afar. Seriously ... I was a RIOT! Not so funny then, but if I was watchin' me in a movie, I'd be ROLLIN'. :lol:

"One man's tragedy is another man's comedy" I heard. You should sell Diane Keaton on the idea and let Woody Allen direct. :wink:

Wow. I'm still in awe. What a story. When and where is your speaker meeting? I wanna be there.


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