- I had a rough day today

I had a rough day today




Alcoholics and Addicts sharing their personal recovery story with us to help others who want to recover.

I had a rough day today

Postby angel143 » Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:19 pm

I went to work today. That was good. I enjoy my job and the extra hours are always nice. The patients mom decided she didnt need me so she sent me home WAY early. Cool I thought. I can go home, have the house to myself for a few hours. Then on the way home I got an urge. It was a strong urge. I tried to figure out what triggered it. There hadn't been anything bad happen. Then I realized...it was habit. Normally if I had a few hours to kill I would just treat myself to a drink, or 2, or 3 or..... I had this horrible evil voice in the back of my head saying 'come on why not, just one, you can have just one, what will it hurt, no one will know and if you stop then you know you can control it' I ended up driving straight home! I had the power to decide to go home. I knew that would be a safe choice since my house was dry. Then it got compounded by the frustration that it took several attempts to get onto the site. Laughing I find myself sitting here, typing, drinking some soda, my leg just bouncing up and down. Watching the clock tick.

I kinda feel better writing it out....talking about it. I think im going to go to the gym.Workout some of these feelings...clear my head.

Thank you so much for reading and listening.

Love you all
Heather
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Postby Susan68 » Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:01 pm

Not that I'm an expert on this or anything, but the few times when alcohol came into my mind (although it has not yet been an almost uncontrollable urge type of thing) I immediately started thinking about how good I have felt the last X days, addressing this issue that has plagued my life a bit in recent times, and also the last time I drank, treated my 69 year old mother very badly, in public, and then was as sick as a dog the next day, all day, both physically and emotionally. I then think about how much better I feel physically (I've dropped 35 lbs since April -- I had actually cut my drinking down to once a week during April while I was on the diet, but that last one was a nasty one), and I feel bright, like there's hope and a future for me that can be normal. The momentary pleasure of a drink (physical or emotional) is just not going to a life make.

Congratulations on by-passing the urge. It's funny, last night I was driving past a swath of road that has within 200 feet on two sides of the road a Ruby Tuesday, a Houlihan's and a steakhouse, all three of which serve alcohol, and for a split second I had that "shall I stop off for a drink" thought -- not a big urge, but it was a thought that I had to think through.

Enjoy the gym.
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Postby Dallas » Sun Jun 14, 2009 11:48 pm

Hello Heather,

I realize this may sound weird... but, reading what you experienced, is what I refer to as "my alcoholism talking to me."

Alcoholism, for those that have it, is much more than just a habit. That's why it's so difficult for them to remain sober. It's a condition where the mind and physical body are affected.

For me, there seems to be an invisible spring inside me. I can't see it. And, I can only feel it, when it get's sprung. When it get's sprung -- my natural reaction is to grab a drink -- because deep in my subconscious -- it learned that the only way I had taught it to relax the spring, was to take a couple of drinks.

That wouldn't be so bad -- if I could stop with just one or two. I may be able to stop at one or two -- for a couple of times. But, it's unpredictable. I could drink myself into an auto accident, jail, E.R., on to a train track... or, who knows where it would it.

It's an obsession of the mind -- coupled with an obsession of the body. Then, to top it off -- the alcoholic body responds differently to alcohol -- than a non-alcoholic body. That's why some refer to it as "an allergy." Referring to "an abnormal physical reaction" to alcohol.

There are numerous theories as to why an alcoholics body does not metabolize alcohol like a non-alcoholic body.

But, theories are only important to academia and scientist. As an alcoholic -- it's not important to me "why" it happens. It's only important for me to know that "my body is different than a non-alcoholic body" which means I have to do whatever is necessary to -- not have the next first drink.

We'll never be rid of the physical abnormal reaction. So, we work on our minds... and personality using the 12 Steps. And, many of us also try to treat our physical body with care, and to be sure it is getting good nutrition and exercise.

That's the danger zone that we deal with. Especially so, during our first few years sober. We don't know when the trigger will be triggered or the spring will get sprung. So, we have to learn to take actions to keep our fingers off the triggers!

It would be nice if I could step out and have coffee with you and listen and talk with each other! Until then... Find yourself a few good AA's that you feel comfortable with in your area -- so that you can go have coffee with them and feel comfortable enough to spill your guts and your secrets!

Best wishes and keep coming back! I appreciate you!

Dallas
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Postby ROBERT » Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:09 am

Thanks for sharing Heather....many times I've experienced the same thing... it is a nasty,scary place to be,and it has taken me many years to learn.. it's part of the deal!For years I had this opinion that if I was really sober those thoughts would NOT come,when they did I was caught w/my defenses looking the other way and I paid the ultimate price. Today I realize it's part of the package of my disease,so when the thougts come,(and they do) my ability to turn to my H.P. FOR HELP is there,instead of trying to fight it on my own which is what I did for a long time.I don't have the needed power to not use,my power of choice in this matter is non exsistent,it MUST come from a power greater than my self.A huge blow to my ego indeed...but once accepted,I know a new freedom,and a new happiness. THANK YOU for reminding me....LACK OF POWER..THATS OUR DILEMMA...... Love/Peace........ROBERT
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Postby angel143 » Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:54 am

Thank you all for sharing with me!

Well....After I went to the gym I got home. I got on here and read some more. I felt so much better.

Then...all of a sudden I felt like I had someone sitting on my chest. It was so hard to breathe. There wasn't a craving or urge, but I felt like I was going through some kind of anxiety attack. I decided to keep myself busy and make dinner. Well, the kids and I will be eating left overs for at least a week...and it still didnt help. :roll: So I went over to the counter and pulled out a piece of papaer... 30 minutes later I was sitting in an AA meeting! :) Oh my, how I was glad to be there. I even talked. There were 3 new people there. It was great. The topic was 'why do you keep coming back to AA'? I simply said I will keep coming back because AA let me breathe. Everyone looked at me, the room was quiet...and then everyone shook their heads and said 'yeah'. Whew....I was nervous there for a second. Thought I put my foot in my mouth. I do that often. :lol: I came home, I felt better, no anxiety, but felt teary eyed. Ugh. I went outside, looked up at the sky and just prayed. I think it was the first true time since all this started. I asked for help. I admitted I couldnt do it alone. I cried as I admitted all the things I had done and all the ways I need help. Then I talked to my angels. And cried some more.

I came back inside, took a deep breathe, went to bed, and had sweet dreams. Now this morning, other than puffy eyes :lol: I feel so good. Its going to be a great day.

Thank you so much to all of you. I know I keep saying that. But I cant seem to thank you enough. Just knowing you are here helps me so very much. I think about you all, and hope for the best.

Love you
Heather
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Postby ROBERT » Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:43 am

We have a common solution---that keeps us all connected,not the problem,so what you share here about a solution,your solution,helps others,so THANK YOU for being here as a important part of the lives you touch....as you have for me. ROBERT
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Postby Susan68 » Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:32 pm

angel143 wrote:I came home, I felt better, no anxiety, but felt teary eyed. Ugh. I went outside, looked up at the sky and just prayed. I think it was the first true time since all this started. I asked for help. I admitted I couldnt do it alone. I cried as I admitted all the things I had done and all the ways I need help. Then I talked to my angels. And cried some more.


Are those uncontrollable tears not just the WORST? I am soo not a crier. I never let myself cry, never mind in front other people. After joining AA its like a regular occurence. The crying is what often keeps me from speaking at meetings. It's awful. I hate having people look at me with pity. Hate it.

Glad you're feeling better. Try to relax. I've said to myself a few times, "Susan, you were SANE before you joined AA!" Sometimes I just feel so, ugh, off kilter. Anyway, hang in there.
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Postby tim-one » Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:11 pm

Hiya, Heather.

no one will know

ooooooooo, that sneaky voice. I call mine Dummass. Used to call myself that till I figured out it was that ugly beast talkin to me. I even gave the disease a face. Gullum/Smeagul - the dual-personality slimey creep in "The Lord of the Rings" (the movie).

It's funny how Dummass makes me and God nobody. "Nobody will know".

Ya did good. Didn't drink, didja? A victory! Nice work.

Nuther movie - Luke and Hans in a Starwars shootout.
Luke: "I GOT ONE!"
Hans: "GREAT kid. Don't get cocky!" :wink:

That's me ... I get cocky. My warning signs - feeling too good or too bad about myself. Warns me that I'm mentally ripe for a trigger - one's comin'.

Well, shoot ... it's better than it was before. My warning sign was going to bed. My trigger was wakin' up. I wouldn't know if I had any reasons for drinking. I was already drinkin' when anything happened. Pick one.

Love,
Tim1
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 16, 2009 2:49 am

Susan68 wrote:.... I am soo not a crier. I never let myself cry, never mind in front other people. After joining AA its like a regular occurence. The crying is what often keeps me from speaking at meetings. It's awful. I hate having people look at me with pity. Hate it.


I SOOO understand!!!

I was the same way.

For me, what I think might have happened was... I got sober! :lol:

I was able to feel what I was feeling... without numbing it out.

It felt as though it was the first time in my life... that I was experiencing emotions that were so intense!

I felt humble --- even though I was going to any lengths to hide it. (And, often to deny it).

I felt grateful. Small. I came to believe... for the first time... that I needed others in my life... and that by having them in my life -- it was helping me.

Hey Heather???? Where are you??? I haven't read all the messages yet... but... I haven't seen you? Are you okay? Just busy? Reading? Sleeping? Eating?

Check-in with us girl! My head will get tied up in knots wondering about you!!! :wink:

Dallas
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Postby tim-one » Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:01 am

For me, what I think might have happened was... I got sober!
I was able to feel what I was feeling... without numbing it out.
It felt as though it was the first time in my life... that I was experiencing emotions that were so intense!
I felt humble ---


Yeah .... what he said ...

I never cried over death, anger, heartbreak, ... sad stuff. I always cried over sappy stuff. Movies. Babies. Love won, not lost. ....

Got a new one ... humility, redemption, amazing grace (how sweet the sound) ... all gratitude. Oh, how sweet.

I'M A MAN, DAMMIT! (Eddie Murphy, SNL - "I'M GUMBY, DAMMIT!")

I don't try to stop it. It's new, good thing in me. Humility. I cannot pray gratitude, thanks, anymore without kleenex. Just happens. And I love it. I'm not numb any more.

People in meetings and discussion groups always apologize for crying while sharing. I tell them to "shut up and talk. We don't need translation. We're cry-lingual".

I also learned from an Alanon to never hand a tissue to a cryer. It's co-dependent saving. They don't need sympathy. They need to cry.

We do that in small groups, too. We have a box of tissue in the middle of the circle that gets kicked around. Nobody but the crier touches it.

Love,
Tim1
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