- tough week

tough week




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

tough week

Postby Jools » Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:26 pm

Afternoon all,

This has been a really hard week for me. I've thought about drinking SO much. I'll give you a quick fill in on whats going on.

My brother and I are both alkies/addicts. He's a bad crack/cocaine addict. His recovery is drinking beer, smoking pot and buying things. He's a raging maniac and so am I right now. I loaned him money a couple of months ago and he's been buying this and buying that. He hasn't missed a payment and, in fact, he's a month ahead. When I loaned him the money he said he'd try to pay me back as quick as he could..blah blah blah. So the other nite while we were on the phone talking he mentioned he'd bought this and bought that. I said, Rich, I thought you'd said you'd pay me back as quick as you can?? He said, "I'll pay you your effin money and hung up on me". I just looked at the phone in disbelief and started crying, it really hurt my feelings.

Came to work the next day and had nasty messages on yahoo messenger from him so I sent some back, of course. LOL The same thing happened yesterday except I waited b4 I wrote back any response. I sat down at my computer with every intention of telling him that I was wrong and how could I be helpful. I read over his messages and just started typing, one of my barbers said I looked like a mad scientist. LOL NONE of what I typed had anything to do with how can I be helpful. Imagine that?

Well, the tips of my fingers were starting to hurt so I read over what I had typed and said to myself that this is absolutely ridiculous. I called him and said that we're both being ridiculous over one comment I made and everything was good after that.

I really wanted to drink over this two day incident. It was eating me up inside and I couldn't stand it.

Last night just added fuel to the fire. My almost 18 yr old son has been smoking pot since he was 14 yrs old. I've kicked him out, let him stay, bought him cars, sold the cars. I've tried to get him help in every way I can but there is just no help for teens here in NC unless you have money. I've been to juvenile justice, social services, court, he's been in jail and I didn't bail him out.

Ok, two weeks go he called me swearing he was ready to change. His dad didn't want him at his house anymore and he had no where to go. Sucker that I am, I let him come back home but told him he had to go to a meeting every night. The kid has been lying to me, smoking pot, lying, smoking pot and trying to use me in every way conceivable. I let him of course.

Last night he came home really high. Admitted that he was high finally and asked me if he could go to a movie in my car cuz I had sold his. I let him, which wasn't the smartest decision on my part cuz he was high. I KNEW he wasn't going to a movie and I just wanted to let him hang himself so I could feel justified in kicking him out again. I went looking for him, pulled up beside him at a stop sign and told him to get out of my car. He hauled @ss which really shocked me. I called him and told him if he wasn't home in 15 mins I would call the police and tell them my car was stolen. He came home and I handed him a book bag with a couple of changes of clothes and his toiletries. I'll move up a bit cuz the next part of the conversations was...what did "I" do? You're kicking your own son out????

I wanted to drink so bad last night I almost couldn't stand it. I called my sponsor cuz she said to call her B4 I drank, not after. We talked and she said the usual AA stuff..he's sick, the only one who can help him now is God, etc. She told me I could drink now if I wanted. LOL I love Carol.

Today the same thoughts are there. I'm weary, hurting and powerless over my son and I just want to drown in a bottle. I don't want one or two drinks I want to get so drunk I just pass out. I'm tired of fighting to stay sober and I'm not going to check my spelling or my grammar. LOL

Trey is sitting behind me...thats my son. I'm at the barber shop and he just showed up and is sitting here. I refuse to take him home or take him anywhere.

That's it.

Julie
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Postby Jools » Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:26 pm

That wasn't very quick was it? I about wrote a book. :wink:
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Postby garden variety » Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:06 pm

Hi Julie,

Yeah a rough one indeed.

Here's a simple suggestion because you are feeling the way you're feeling. Do it as much as you need to.

If you are praying regular, ask God to remove the obsession to drink because He has the power and you don't, and He will whenever you ask. Even if you're not praying regular, still ask Him to remove the obsession whenever you get the obsession. Keep it simple and just remember those "magic words". You know about the magic words don't you? Did your mom or dad ever say to you when you were asking for something "say the magic word"?

I heard this one as a kid: "Thank you and please are the two little keys that open the doors to happiness." That's all the complicated this program needs to be for you today. The God I know is a loving God, and doesn't want to see me struggle - I know that's not His will. I'm willing to bet you're God is a loving God, too.

I know it's been miserable for you, but the only part of the misery you need to worry about is the part while you're awake - in other words this won't last more than 24 hours at a time. For me, when I'm having a serious migraine, or one of my OCD "mental health/anxiety meltdowns", I know that I don't have to endure any of it more than one day. Sometimes. when you're trapped with a mental condition (I'm speaking about myself), it is a great comfort knowing that it ends when the day ends - instead of a lifetime, or a year, or a month, or even a week.

Take care my friend and God bless.
Paul
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Postby Dallas » Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:41 am

Julie wrote:I'm tired of fighting to stay sober and ....


I understand... :wink:

Thanks for sharing, Julie.

Been there, done that, then took the Steps and didn't have to do it anymore! :wink:

When I was newly sober and literally pulling my hair out of my head... white knuckling it and fighting to stay sober... some A.A.'s suggested that I, too, pray. :shock:

Guess what??? Every time I prayed... like they suggested... IT GOT WORSE!!! :twisted: :mrgreen: :evil:

Finally... when I was totally at the jumping off place... hitting bottom sober... it was suggested that I "take the Steps!"

Take the Steps??? What the heck did that mean? :shock:

All the time that I had been suffering... sober... and hearing them read a portion of Chapter 5, "How it works"... I had always heard them read:
"If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths... you are ready to TAKE certain Steps..." and "Here are the Steps we took..."

Took the Steps??? Like in past-tense??? Yep. That's what it was talking about... Imagine that!!! :lol:

How was I supposed to "took-en the Steps?" :lol: :lol:

Well... when all else failed... even my attempts to help others... I finally decided I had better "took the Steps!"

Guess what??? I learned that I could take Steps 1 through 8, really fast... as in a couple of days... and I started on Step 9... and while I was taking Step nine... I didn't wait to start taking Steps 10, 11, 12... right away...

Guess what happened??? By the time I got to Step 10... I was no longer fighting to stay sober! WOW!!! IMAGINE THAT!!!

And, I discovered... that I had begun to act sanely... most of the time.

And, I felt happy... most of the time!!!

I didn't know... that one of the big reasons for taking the 12 Steps was so that I could reach a place of comfort in sobriety... that I was no longer fighting to stay sober!

I also discovered... that it didn't do me any good to just try to take the 12 Steps any ole' time that I pleased... I had to be in a lot of pain... before I could have enough willingness and humility... to take the Steps.

That's how it worked for me!

Dallas
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Postby Jools » Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:35 am

Good morning guys,

Thanx for your replies and sharing your experience. I went to the 5:30 meeting last night and shared. I couldn't stop the tears from coming out. My son, Trey, showed up here at the barber shop about 2pm and just sat here all day, so I took him with me. I just acted like he wasn't here and shared what was going on with me. About 1/2 way thru the meeting Trey shared too. He said he didn't know how to stop lying and he had no where to go. His denial amazed me, but I know he's sick too.

I brought him back to the house so he could eat and shower then took him to an NA meeting. While he was in there I called my sponsor. She told me that I wasn't ready for step 4 because I truly hadn't done step 3. Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I had told her that I would just have to deal with it without drinking. She said, no, no, no, Julie, turn it over. You've got to turn these things over to God. Then she told me to get my butt in that meetings. I'm SO not used to turning things over to God and I know it's going to be a daily struggle for me.

Trey shared, something I don't think he's done b4 other than the 5:30 meeting. He wanted to know how to be honest and he got some good feedback. At the end of the meeting he picked up a keytag (white chip for us).

The good new is........I didn't drink.

I really appreciate y'all and this forum.

God bless,
Julie
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Postby Dallas » Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:11 am

Thanks for sharing Julie, and for checking in to let us know how things are going for you.

I understand.... :wink:

I had a really difficult time with Step 3, also. It was so confusing for me. It was like "How can I do that?"

Then, I read pages 60-64 in the Big Book... which told me "How to Take Step Three."

I picked up a pen and put it to paper as I read the pages... making notes of all the things that I needed to be willing to change... Things like running the show... being in control of others... and playing God. I had to be willing to do all those things... but, I couldn't figure out how to do it... even after making my list of needed changes and reading the pages.

Then, my sponsor had me go back and read Step 3, on page 59...
I read it to him... and I still couldn't figure out how to do it. I explained to him that I had tried to make changes in the past... and had been unsuccessful at making the changes.

That's when he said to me... "Read the first four words of Step 3".

"We made a decision..."

And, I still couldn't figure it out!!! :shock:

So, he pointed out to me... that in Step 3, all I was doing was making a decision. I was only making a decision to do something!!!

He said "How many times have you made a decision to do something?" (As if I was dumb or something...) I replied "Heck, I've made many decisions to do something!"

He said, "Name one". (That was tough for me...)

Then he asked, "Have you ever made a decision to do something... and then not followed through with doing it?" Yep... many times!

He said, "Well... Step 3, is no different. All your doing in Step 3, is making a decision to do something He said you're only "deciding that you want what we have and are willing to go to any lenghs to get it" in Step 3.

He said, "You've only decided... to turn your will and your life over to the care of God, as you understand God. And, nothing happens until you take action on Step 3, by taking Steps 4 through 9." :shock:

"What???"

Yep... He said, In Step 3, I had only made a decision to do something... and that I hadn't really done it until I took Steps 4 through 9!

Why couldn't I figure that out???

Then, I asked... "Well... how can I make the decision... and change all the stuff that needs to be changed?"

And, he said... "You can't!" :lol:

What????

He said read pages 63, again... slowly this time... so I did.

Oh! I need God's help to do it? Yep.

"He said are you willing to go to any lenghs to turn your will and life over to the care of God? Are you in that much pain?"

So... when I got that much pain... I said "I'm ready and willing to do it"

And, he said, "then go ahead and make the decision -- say the prayer and mean it (on page 64) and you've taken Step 3!!"

That's all there is to it? He said "Yep. that's it" He said you've only made a decision to do it... now... you actually do it... by launching out on Step 4... and continuing with vigorous action... to take 5, 6, 7, 8, and start working on your Step 9."

When it was explained to me that way... I understood. And, I was able to make my decision.

I heard many people say to me... "You've got to turn this or that over to God." Guess what??? Each time I turned it over to God -- He turned it right back over to me! :lol:

God isn't going to do my job for me. He expects me to do it. (See page 63-64)... He's the Employer... The employer doesn't do my job... I have to do my job. That's why he's the employer... and I'm just the employee. And, the job ain't done until I do it! :lol:

Dallas
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Postby sunlight » Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:01 am

Oh Julie, I can SO relate!
My son is a heroin addict & he's been to so many rehabs & has always gone back out. Each time it gets worse & the last time left him without the use of his leg & in severe pain.

I was in this state of frenzy,going insane with worry,spinning like the Tazmanian devil. I wanted to kill him & protect him at the same time.
It was when I couldn't sleep that the thought came to me, "A drink would help me sleep."

It was like all the red flags, sirens & flashing warning lights went off at once! I have no mental defense against the first drink!

Then, depressed, I thought, "So it's come to this. I'm in deep sh**."

The rest of the story Ive posted under the topic "We Can?"

I had to do something & do it fast:a sponsor,the steps,ANYTHING but take that drink!

My experience has been that God wants my willingness & He'll help me from there. I usually have no clue how do things, so I just fling my will in a Godly direction (can't think of how else to describe it) & then it's like the book says, "What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving & powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer,a design for living that really works" (pg28) Now that's hope,sister!

As for my son, I had to stop enabling & rescuing him & let him face the consequences of his behavior. It's so hard & rips my heart out sometimes, but I've explained to him that my sobriety,sanity & serenity come first. It's also for HIS own good that I back off. Making my amends to him in the 9th step really helped me get rid of the guilt that kept me trapped in that "trying to fix him" hole.

My brother & sister are dead from alcohol. I don't think I could bear it alone. So:

Just letting you know we are with you in the fellowship of the spirit.

Love, prayers & Sunlight!
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Postby DME39 » Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:57 am

Hi Julie, Dallas, Sunlight.....

Julie...I went to a meeting last night and listened to many people in the same situation as you with your son....you are not ever alone girl! My son is too young to experience drugs and /or alcohol (yet), but I know what I put my parents through for years...it was their unconditional love and good example that got me to realize where i needed to get the help that i needed....may God make you an instrument and example of peace and serenity for your son...lots of love :)

Dallas....I am in such awe of your wisdom about the 12 steps...I have read your comments about the first three steps and I realize now why it was so hard for me to stay sober when I tried AA earlier this year...I could not give up the control, the power, my life ...over to God or anything or anyone more powerful than me.Sure I believed in God...or that was what I was supposed to believe in anyway...but did he have power over me? Not a chance...Now I have come to believe that only my Higher Power can guide me and that i have truely surrendered my life over to his care...My only issue now is determining the difference in this alcoholic mind of mine between God's will and my will..... This is all so new to me!

Sunlight....You are an inspiration for your son...Keep up the good work!!

Darlene
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Postby Dallas » Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:26 am

Darlene, Julie, Sunlight!!!

You ROCK!!!

That is some mighty-fine sharing!!! Thank you.

Keep it coming!!!
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Postby Jools » Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:32 pm

Hiya Dallas,

Thanx for the reply. I appreciate both of them. I need as much help as I can get.

That's exactly what I told my sponsor, that I thought step three was a decision and to follow thru with that I needed to do step 4. I think I'll go back to 59 - 64 in the big book today and really read it.

He said, "You've only decided... to turn your will and your life over to the care of God, as you understand God. And, nothing happens until you take action on Step 3, by taking Steps 4 through 9."


I agree with that 100%. My sponsor doesn't tho. I'm gonna start step 4 anyway cuz I'm tired of being in pain, then when she tells me it's ok I'll have it done. :wink" I hurt inside and I'm ready to do the things necessary to bring about a spiritual change.

Thanx again, Dallas,

Julie


Oh ((((((((((((((((((((Sunlight))))))))))))))))))))) I'm SO sorry to hear what you're going thru with your son. I've heard heroin is THE hardest drug to overcome. My heart goes out to you.

I know about that pain of letting him go. It hurts us so much inside and that look like I can't believe you're not going to help me or let me live with you. Please know if you ever want to talk I'm here.

Please know that I will pray daily for your son.

Love to ya, girlie.
Julie



Hiya Darlene,

I so hope God makes me an instrument and example of peace and serenity for my son...I want him to see he doesn't have to live with all that anger anymore.

Thanx for sharing. I'm with you on not turning my will and life over to the care of God.....I'm NOT going to make that mistake this time. I'm tired of being in control, it aint werkin' fer me anyhow! :wink:


Hang in there girl!

Hugs,
Julie
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