Step12.com

[Dallas]

Step 1 Powerless over alcohol

When I was new in A.A., I thought that "Powerless over alcohol" meant that I was only powerless while drinking. That’s only part of the deal. I learned that for me, powerless over alcohol means that I am powerless over alcohol when sober!!!

If I were only powerless over alcohol while drinking... the solution to my problem would be simple. Just quit drinking. I wouldn’t need A.A., the 12 Steps, meetings, God, or a Sponsor! However, my real problem is alcohol-ism.

I am powerless over the next drink while I am sober, which means that I will ALWAYS have the next drink if my alcohol-ism is not being treated. The mental obsession, the physical craving, or the emotional compulsion, will draw me to the next drink just like the hidden energy in a magnet will attract iron to it.

Restless, irritable and discontented without a drink is only part of my problem. There have been many times that my life got so good and I felt so good that I went out to celebrate… just a tiny little bit. :lol:

On my own... I am doomed to drink again. But, "with AA’s help" I don't have to take the first drink.

Through AA’s 12 Steps, my obsession to drink has been removed. The physical craving will not come back unless I take the first drink. And, the emotional compulsion to drink was removed through the 12 Steps. And, I was able to make a conscious contact with a Power Greater Than Myself.... that could restore me to sanity, and provide the power that I need to take the actions that will lead me away from the next drink. That’s great! I must be recovered, right? Wrong! That’s what the alcoholic part of my brain would like me to believe. Recovered only means that I am sober today.

When I take Step 1, I am making a full unreserved surrender... It means "I'm licked". I lost the game. Now, I better find a new one. My old tools, methods, plans and techniques to try and control my drinking didn’t work. My old design for living didn't work. There were times that I could get sober… once, I stayed sober about six months, on my own! But I couldn’t stay sober. Sooner or later, against all my better judgment and experiences… I would pick up a drink again. And, even though it has now been more than 18 years without a drink for me… I will drink again… if I stop doing what I’m doing that keeps me from picking up the next drink.

This is why the First Step is the most important step. I will not be willing to take the other eleven Steps with the "vigorous action" that they require, nor will I be willing to surrender to a Higher Power.... if I'm not doomed…. While sober! :roll:

That’s why I go to A.A. meetings. In the A.A. meetings I remember what my problem is… alcoholism, and what the solutions is: AA’s 12 Steps. The meetings do not keep me sober. The meetings remind me of what my problem is and what the solution to my problem is. It’s the DAILY practicing and living the 12 Steps, and maintaining and improving on my conscious contact with a Power Greater than myself that keep me sober.

If I stop going to AA meetings, my head will forget what my problem is and it will forget what the solution is. On my own… I’ll come up will all kinds of problems other than alcoholism, and solutions other than Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 Steps, and a Power Greater than myself. And, that’s very dangerous for an alcoholic of my type.

It would also be extremely dangerous for me to believe that I could substitute the Internet cyber-meetings for the real live A.A. meetings. There is no substitute.

Now, sober... I have everything that I was looking for in the bottle... peace, joy, contentment, serenity, confidence, happiness, comfort, a new attitude, a new outlook on life, a design for living that really works, and I do not have to fear....... as long as I keep doing what I’m doing!

Thanks for letting me share… And, Keep Coming Back!

Dallas

[Rusty Zipper]

tues. night's. i lead a Step meeting. there are a few people with some time that have worked all the 12 step's... most are pretty new, and a lot struggleing... Dallas, you know my thought's about "Powerlessness".. since this step is about "Acceptance" i try to lead the meeting in that direction... alot of the people are cross addicted. mainl'y, crack, and herion. real tuff stuff. so we try to keep the focus on the powerlessness over not just the substance. but
also, the people, place's, and thing's that lead us into temptation to drink, or drug. alot of u'm come from broken homes, dysfuntional families, live in shelter's. or on the street... geting to open them up to see the fact that the substance that was once their friend, their ticket to fun, to selfesteem. to "Power"... now has turned it's ugly back on us... we talk, that it's staying away from the desire to use.
it's ok to feel the need, to act , say, and do thing's alcoholic... we "ARE"!... accepting that is the first big step into not useing when the desire strike's. we talk of working through the rest of step's to help try to change the thinking process of the alcoholic. and that will come from change. changing old ideas, old reaction's and a new belief in a" power greater than "... the young one's that come in.... do we have to raise the bottom the rest of us had?... of course there are real horror stories... all the warped mind's, the sickness do to usage, the unmanagability of our live. jail, institution's... the divorce's the bill collector'sect. but most of all. the unmanagablity of our working mind's. we see thing's all out of wack. self centered based... me, me, me. by "Accepting" all of this. does the newcomer, and the people with a little time. have a shot at not picking up. " one Day at a Time... good wishes to Step12! one day at a time xoxo Rusty Z

[Dallas]

Hey Rusty, as always, I’m glad you’re here and I look forward to reading all your posts.
Thank you, that you keep coming back.

I know that we’ve had discussions previously on “powerless”, and sometimes I “accept” that I’m not sure what you are saying. Maybe I need more sleep or something.

I must be wrong about this, so I want to ask you: Do you mean that acceptance is the solution to Powerless? And, that if I accept that I am Powerless, that I am no longer Powerless?

I don’t think that’s what your saying. So, hopefully you’ll help me out here.

For me, regardless of whether I accept it or not, and whether I choose to believe it or not, I’m still Powerless over alcohol. It’s kind of like a lady that is pregnant, and doesn’t accept the fact or believe the fact that she is pregnant… “is means is.” (Sorry ladies for my politically incorrect illustration, I’m working on it!) And, true… someday she will be non-pregnant, I suppose.

As an alcoholic, I have alcohol-ISM, not alcohol-WASIM. That’s why I can NEVER safely put even the least amount of alcohol in my body! (Dr.’s Opinion… Big Book). The Dr.’s Opinion and the Appendix in the back of the book “Spiritual Experience” indicates that my only hope for recovery is to have a “psychic change” sufficient, to enable me to recover. (That means to go without a drink today!) I have seen a few “recovered alcoholics” return to drinking… and I sure don’t want to be one of them!

Again, for me, as I understand my alcohol-ISM, as an alcoholic, I’m powerless over alcohol regardless if I’m drinking or sober. Makes no difference, here. I accepted the fact that I am alcoholic and powerless over alcohol many years ago. The only difference is, once I consume alcohol…in any form at all, it’s going to eventually kick in gear that phenomenon of physical craving (which I don’t have today).

Heck, for me, even if I was perfect enough to be a Saint, which we know I’m not, and if all my behaviors were spotless… which we know they’re not… and regardless if all my intentions and motives are perfect good, and virtuous… it doesn’t change the fact one iota that I am alcoholic and powerless over alcohol.

I tend to hold to that old metaphor I first heard from the old-timers who came before me, that “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” And, you can turn a cucumber into a pickle, but once it’s pickled… (like I was ) you can’t turn it back into a cucumber! And, I was warned, very sternly, that the day that I forget that I’m powerless over alcohol and forget that I’m alcoholic will probably be the day that I pick up my next drink! (You might have guessed, that I’m not one of those card-carriers, who subscribes to the popular slogan of “powerless over people places and things.” Step 1, doesn’t say “We admitted we were powerless over people, places and things.” It says “Powerless over alcohol.”

Furthermore, if “the alcoholic is like a tornado… roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead.” (Page 82, of the Big Book) We should ask those people in our lives who experienced our destructive drinking, if “they” think we were powerless over them! Unfortunately, we did have some control over them, and that’s why we show up in Step 9, making amends to those that we harmed while we were exercising our power over them!

I may not be able to change people, places and things, but I sure have some control over them… I can choose to leave them and go somewhere else with someone else, or alone! If I can do that, I’m not powerless over them. Now, my alcoholism… that’s a different story. I can’t go somewhere else, with someone else, or alone… and get away from it! It goes with me! Kind of like my head. It’s attached. It goes where I go. But, someone else’s head? If their head bothers me, I can leave… and not take them with me!

If acceptance was the answer to all my problems (using the often misinterpreted, and taken out of context meaning of what Dr. Paul, O. said in his story “Doctor. Alcoholic, Addict” page 449, the old Big Book…. And I have watched some, who have taken that one page, out of 564 pages, and turned it into one page program of recovery. ) I wouldn’t need the 12 Steps, I wouldn’t need A.A., I wouldn’t need a Higher Power, and I sure the heck wouldn’t need to spend so much of my time in AA meetings. I would just accept it and then get on down the road. Or, if acceptance solved all my problems, heck, I could just accept it, and chug another shot of Jose Cuervo’s Liquid Sunshine, and yell out “Salud! Navidad!”

It’s kind of like the terminal confusion that often gets floated around about “recover, recovery and recovered.” Regardless of what I think about it, it just means that I’m sober and haven’t had a drink today! And, the day I get “recovered” (if that means no-longer alcoholic) it will probably be the day that I celebrate and start attempting to do some controlled-drinking!!!! Been there, done that, paid the fine, got released, and got a second chance to change my mind about it and go to AA!

For me, the most wonderful aspect (or “blessing” as some would call it) of my disease is that I am condemned to die an alcoholic death… if I stop treating my alcoholism. That’s wonderful news to me!!!

Here’s why I feel that it’s such a wonderful gift to be condemned to die an alcoholic death if I stop treating my alcoholism… The treatment, the 12 Steps, has produced the most incredible and wonderful life I have ever known. I wouldn’t want to trade it for anything. But, if I wasn’t sentenced to alcoholic death… if my alcoholism could go untreated… I would stop doing what I must do to survive!!! And, that would produce the most horrible and miserable life I’ve ever known…. Been there, and done that, too!

I’m one of those “grateful to be an alcoholic” kind of guys! Yes. I know that makes newcomers want to puke!!! I know. I understand. I identify. I’ve been there and done that, being a newcomer!!! And, I sure couldn’t survive being a newcomer again! Being a newcomer was THE toughest thing I have EVER done in my life! My alcoholism has continued to progress all these years, while I’ve been sober, to the point that being a newcomer again… I just couldn’t make it! So… lest I forget, that I am powerless over alcohol… WHILE I am sober… I just don’t want to do that!

Just another note… I am not Powerless over taking the actions that will keep me sober! True, I’ve lost the choice over whether I’ll drink again… that’s powerless. But I have not lost the ability to follow directions and take actions that will lead me away from the choice to drink. The old cop-out of “well… I’m alcoholic, what do you expect of an alcoholic, you know how we are” is just an excuse that is often used to continue bad behaviors and living an unstructured and undisciplined life of not taking actions necessary to recover.

In AA, we train our feet to go where we want our minds to go. We take actions and the mind will follow the body. We can’t think ourselves into right actions, but right actions will produce right thinking.

Thanks for letting me share!

Dallas

[Rusty Zipper]

good morning Dallas.hope all is well in sobriety land Dallas, thank you for not passing a judgement on me. at times it would be nice to have you right here in person. communicating is another one of the key's to the door of willingness. there have been way to many times in my past that i would not, or, could not communicate. drink or drug my feeling's or thought's away. Dallas, i believe you have some trust in me. Dallas, i now have some trust in a "Power Greater Than Me"... for me it's kind of like, Trusting is to Believeing, as, Accepting is to Addmitting... no, no, no, Dallas what i meant is that, first i have to compleatly addmit to the fact that i am a alcoholic. cast out any "Denial" denial is my ego's way of trying to let my addiction's back in. they will alway's be there. the trust in my H.P. help's keep them at bay... we have discussed this in the past Dallas, if i do not "Accept" the fact that i am an alcoholic, and with that come's all the crap with it. the behavour's, the lie's, the about me's, the manipulating, the crazy thinking process, ect, ect, ect. oh yes, cant forget denial!... so Dallas, i am compleatly "Powerless" for the rest of my life with my alcoholism. my disease want's me to say that i can drink, like the sensible one's. no, no, no can do... so Dallas, when i can "Accept" all of this. "Accept, Accept, Accept"... i can now have a real good shot at not picking up a drink, or drug... of course, One Day at a Time Dallas i hope this clear's the air, around the east coast it can be a little polluttted around here best wishe's to everyone's road to recovery, i love you all Rusty

[Dallas]

Hello Rusty!!! Happy Monday!

Thanks for your post! I had been up all night and it was 5 a.m., in the morning when I replied to your post.

As I mentioned there, I knew I was a bit tired and needed some sleep.

Well, I got some sleep and feel much better now. And, guess what? I got up and read your reply and I understood it. Gee. It’s amazing what some sleep will do for me!

Your message helped me understand what you were saying. Thank you!

I am looking forward to the day when I can come up and visit CT, and see you and meet your sober buddies! And, go to the flea market with you, and have coffee and catch some meetings and stuff like that. It would be wonderful to do that. And, now, that I’m free of taking care of my mother, I can start to do some travelling again like I used to. So, don’t be surprised when someday I write to you and say “Hey Rusty!!! I’m on my way!”

I have met so many really special people on Step12.com, and I also look forward to someday maybe being able to either visit each one, or possible we could put together something, some place where we could all get together with each other. Who knows… maybe kind of like a Step12.com reunion or something like that! That would be awesome!

Have a great day Rusty. And, to all of my other sober friends out there on Step12.com… I send you wishes for a great and awesome day, also!

KCB!

Dallas

[JR]

Wow! You guys are intense. This is the step I am on and I appreciate your insight. I need to do some more reading and absorbing of all the information in the BB and 12X12 on this.

I know I am powerless over alcohol. I know it. I don't like it, but I know it. I wanted to be one of the beautiful people with a glass of wine, but I just ended up drinking the whole bottle and needing a second (bottle not glass). When I drank prior to age 21, I just DRANK. This time I thought I was older, 41 and wiser and could drink like a normal person. Didn't happen. In fact a head full of AA really really takes the fun out of drinking.

My life is unmanageable? What? What part, just the drinking?

I managed myself right back to the bottle because I wasn't relying on The Higher Power. So, I have to get back to God being the manager of my life. I am out of practice doing this. It is amazing how little time it takes to forget everything you ever knew or were taught or even taught others. The alcoholic mind is really something.

I'm planning on reading your posts several more times during my study of this step.

I'm not leaving!!!!!

[Rusty Zipper]

JR, nice to see you here. its 3:50 am out east. was wandering around. recov. buddys and i little saying, when we get up in middle of night. just read your post. yea, we can be intence. alcoholism is intence!. there is alot of happiness, and fun in recovery too. as Dallas mentioned up top. i will get a bit more rest before replying to your post at lenght. need clear head. mabe Mr BB might beat me to itl! lol... JR, that man Mr BB {Dallas } has helped many a person in recovery over the years. including me. and we have not yet met formaly. so JR, keep an open mind, keep the willingness, remain teachable! chances are that you have a shot to a road of Happy Destiny! good wishes JR! kcb Rusty, aka PC

[Dallas]

Hey JR,

[JR]

Thanks Rusty for your insight. I will try to find the ref. about the guy who went out.

As the BB says there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. I think I have proven that to myself over the last 2 years.

The experiment with alcohol really proved to me all AA says about the alcoholic drinker. I was unable to bring into my consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of my previous drinking career.

I drank from age 17 to 21. By the end of it I had been to jail, totalled a car, alienated everyone, experienced pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I never really lost anything because I never had anything. I kept people at a distance. I didn't have long term relationships.

In sobriety, I got together with another newcomer and we stayed together for 16 years. We didn't have children because I didn't want to pass the disease onto anyone, although we raised his 2 sons. AA was a central part of our lives. When we divorced in 1999 I stopped going to meetings.

I realize now that meetings are part of the way we can remember the terrible toll alcohol takes by listening to other peoples stories. From 1999 to 2003 I didn't drink on my own. Slowly but surely I stopped practicing the principles in all my affairs. I convinced myself that it would be okay to try drinking. It was INSANE thinking. I gave up 20 years of sobriety for a drink. But, if it has taught me that I really am an alcoholic, all is not lost.

I'm 43 years old and have drank 6 of those years. As the BB says it was worth a bad case of jitters to once again get a full knowledge of my condition. Plus, my husband who is a normal drinker was a witness. He certainly has not let me off the hook and he has let me know all about my behaviour while drunk and/or blacked out.

Step one is where I am at. I've been studying my BB and 12X12 and going to meetings. Also, my ex-husband and I conducted a step study for many years and I have all my forms and notes from that. So, I am starting from scratch. I'm looking for a sponsor. I don't feel that I can move on to step two until I have gone over step one with a sponsor.

The delusion that I am like other people, or will ever be, has been smashed. I know I am a real alcoholic and will never be able to control alcohol (although this really annoys me).

I still need help on the unmanageable part.

I have seen people die from this disease. It happens all the time. Wonderful people who you think 'have it' go out and die. I don't want that. I have a good life. The promises as a result of working the steps did materialize in my life.

I am grateful that I have been given another shot at sobriety. It is very humbling to be a newcomer again. I'd like to keep this feeling forever, but I know the alcoholic ego likes to stretch its wings. Practicing humility daily is probably the toughest part of the program of action.

Gotta I go, but I'm not leaving!!!!

[JR]

Thanks for the assignment, Dallas, I'll do it and get back to you.

[Rusty Zipper]

hey JR, you ok? what i PM'd ya, is in 918's "Dont forget to charge the Batteries' been thinking about your ? on unmanageability. i dont know if your a High, Mid, or Low bottom study. for me, it was below, low! arg, rrr, and a big phoey! ppppppppppp what i do know. is ask your self. has alcohol made you do things you didn't want to do??? and the other! has alcohol prevented you from doing things you wanted to do??? ... as you honestly answer these questions! pretty shure it wont be long before you come to realize the unmanagable part of your ism. ... hey JR, for me, even in recovery. at times my thinking can be unmanageable. its my disease, my "Band of Gypsy's" in my head that do the dirty work. they do not want me to be Happy in sobriety. they want me to drink, or drug! it's self sabotage for Rusty. thats when i'm wondering away from the daily disipline. so step- 1 is realy important to fully understand. yup, both parts. good wishes JR, your in the right place. xoxo Rusty, aka PC

[JR]

Oh yeah, I've done plenty under the influence that I regret and that I wouldn't have done otherwise. And yes it has kept me from doing things that I wanted to do.


Dallas gave me a pretty big assignment. I've started working on it, but I'm scared I will give him the wrong answer and he'll say I'm not done yet.

Bottom wise, I'm high bottom this time, low bottom last time. But the feelings are the same. Hopeless, sad, confused, disappointed in myself and scared.

I'm doing okay though, Rusty. I've been busy grocery shopping and cooking for the camping trip tomorrow and taking the occasional break to computerize. I only have to spend one night with the family and then it will just be me and my husband for two nights. My husband is very supportive in my not drinking efforts. He said he saw our future going down in flames on my last night drinking, it was pretty ugly. We have a lot to lose.

Thanks for your support!!!!! JR

[Rusty Zipper]

hey, pretty funny JR,... i promptly admit wrong!!! i hit the send button twice lol. JR, easy does it, you know that one im shure. and nothing to be scared of. there is nothing to fear in the dark. thats not there when the lights come on!!! take it slow, and honest. Dallas is all helpfull, and i believe not the judgeing kind. only truthfull. we alkys dont like to be told what we do not want to here. what we need is, to be told what we need to hea easy does it, but do it! lol xoxo Rusty

[JR]

When I was 17 I took my first drink. I got drunk and blacked out on my first try. I was on a trip with a choir I was in at the time and they sent me home.

My father was in a treatment facility at the time for his alcoholism. My mother took me there to be lectured by the nurses and doctors there. I told them about my experience and they talked to me for awhile. They pronounced me alcoholic that day.

That was in 1979. I spent the next four years living up to there diagnosis. I never once tried to control my drinking except for one brief 90 day period in 1981.

Today, I'm still powerles over alcohol. I know that there will come a time when I will have no effective mental defense against the first drink and that defense must come from a Higher Power. I feel that I have admitted to my innermost self that I am alcoholic. So, I must move on to step 2.

Thanks for all your sharing and for being here.

JR

[thanx_2hm]

I got so much out of these posts and I want to thank you all even tho it was a few yrs ago.

Dallas, you never cease to amaze me as to how you explain things. I wish I could just put a tape in my head with all the wisdom and experience you have in yours.

Peace ,
J